Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun

Blogger Block continues to afflict me but here is the

Best. Video. Ever.

Shadow Dancing

Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" was the Number One Song exactly 30 years ago. According to Billboard's Book Of Number One Hits, Gibb became the first solo artist in the history of the U.S. pop charts to have his first three singles hit the Number One spot.

I always wanted to have his hair.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Great Brothel Throwdown--The Washington Metro's Hookers Versus the Bunny Ranch's Bunnys!

Now that we have learned that the Washington Metro, especially the red hot Red Line is offering prostitution as a new service to generate revenue and relieve the stress of its record crowds, I decided to compare the Metro's newest service with the oldest profession as represented by the famous Nevada brothel the Bunny Ranch (NSFW).

In comparing the two by viewing their FAQs I found remarkable similarity between the two service providers but over all for Customer Service the Bunny Ranch comes out a head (cough-cough).

What are your hours?

Bunny Ranch: 24 X 7 365 days of the year since 1955.

Metro: Opens 5:00 am weekdays, 7:00 am weekends. Closes Sun-Thurs Midnight, Sat and Sunday 3:00 a.m. Closes sometimes in inclement weather (or threat of inclement weather).

How many bunnys are there?

Bunny Ranch: There are over 500 ladies licensed for your pleasure here. There are approximately 40-50 at any given time.

Metro: Two station managers and a custodian named Pam.

I don't want to be recognized. Do you have private entrances?

Bunny Ranch: We do have private entrances here at the ranch. Anonymity is not a problem.

Metro: Public elevators and frequently broken down escalators.

Do you take credit cards?

Bunny Ranch: Credit cards and there is an ATM on site

Metro: Cash, Credit cards or SmarTrip Cards

Do you take virgins?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. The Bunny Ranch has turned into the devirginizing capital of America.

Metro: Yes and they usually can be seen standing to the left.

Do I have to have a line up?

Bunny Ranch: No. A line up is not required. You are welcome to come in and have a cocktail at our bar or in our parlor and select your Bunny.

Metro: Pam will be paged over the Metro loudspeaker system.

Do you serve food?

Bunny Ranch: There is a restaurant called Dick’s Roadhouse located less than a half-mile away. Delivery is available upon request.

Metro: No. Up to a $100 fine for eating or drinking.

Do you sell alcohol?

Bunny Ranch: Yes, we have a full service bar. We charge neighborhood prices, not inflated strip club prices.

Metro. No but patrons are frequently heard screaming "I am soooo drunk!" on weekend nights.

Do you sell Merchandise?

Bunny Ranch: We sell shirts, hats, lighters, hot sauce, cozies, water bottles, shot glasses and other items customized with a picture of your favorite Bunny.

Metro: T shirts, mugs and umbrellas customized with your favorite Metro station name.

Is there a Dress Code?

Bunny Ranch: You don’t have to get dressed up, but cleanliness and a little common sense helps you get a little further with the ladies.

Metro: Tourist casual.

Military Discount:

Bunny Ranch: Talk to your favorite bunny. They take pride in themselves in taking care of our servicemen.

Metro: No

Are you Handicap Accessible?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. As of Dec. 2006

Metro: Yes

Do you Have She-Males?

Bunny Ranch: No. But all the bunnys can accommodate you with their personal [adult toys].

Metro: Well. Not sure. But it is the Dupont Circle station.


Bunny Ranch: America's Hottest Cat House!

Metro (current): Metro Opens Doors!

Metro (new): Metro's Open Whores!

Any other suggestions for a new slogan?

YouTube or Porn for Blogger Block?

When a blogger has blogger block he can turn to YouTube or porn to grab a quick post. Much to the disappointment of my tens of readers I chose this classic YouTube video of the Fifth Dimension singing "Up, Up and Away. The song is not only great but you can spend a few minutes at work today pondering why the usually fashionable Flo is wearing a mini-shower curtain.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Petting Garden of 13th St

I see you reach over my fence and stroke the rosemary bush as you walk up the street. I do this also as I leave my house for work and somehow the bright and fresh smell of rosemary on my hands always seems to provide a pleasant start to my day. What's rosemary good for besides lamb and potatoes--oh yeah, memory.
Besides memory, rosemary may also be useful in the prevention and treatment of head lice. When was the last time you had head lice? See, it's working!

This year I decided to expand the Petting Garden to add a menagerie of esoteric Herbs such as basil, lavender, oregano, sage, dill and cilantro to join the rosemary on the strip of yard between the boxwood shrubs and the fence that borders 13th St. Not sure which Herb you need to get through another day of DC cubicle life? Whether you need protection from witches or a cure for excessive lactation, there is something for you in the Petting Garden of 13th St!

Basil--Sweet, Purple and Cinnamon varieties line the fence. It is traditionally used as supplementary treatment of stress, asthma and diabetes in India. It is a symbol of love in present day Italy but was symbol of hatred in ancient Greece. Take some to your boss--let her guess your mood today.

Oregano--Oregano in medicine is used for suppressing coughs. Dried oregano is sometimes mistaken for marijuana. In the movie "A Few Good Men", Tom Cruise's character has the following exchange with a very irate junior prosecuting JAG officer while at softball practice: "It was oregano, Steve. He bought a dime bag of oregano." Crumble a few leaves and throw some on a table in the break room and see who empties the vending machine of munchies in the afternoon.

Mint was originally used as a medicinal herb to treat stomach aches and chest pain. Mint was also used to whiten teeth in the Middle Ages. Oil from mint is used in environmentally friendly insecticides to kill some common pests like wasps, hornets, ants and cockroaches.

Sage--Sage is the little Herb that can! Sage has medicinal uses ranging from indigestion, gas, liver complaints, excessive lactation, excessive perspiration, excessive salivation, anxiety, depression, female sterility, and menopausal problems. And you just thought it was the Thanksgiving smell!

Cilantro--Some dislike the soapy taste/smell of cilantro but it is thought to relieve
anxiety and insomnia.

Lavender--Lavender is used to induce relaxation. Oh definitely you must pet the lavender as you go by.

Dill--The name dill is thought to have originated from a Norse or Anglo-Saxon word "dylle" meaning to soothe or lull since the plant has properties for relieving gas. In the Middle Ages dill was thought to protect against witchcraft. Is today a company "Team Building" day? Take some dill. Maybe two pinches!

The Petting Garden of 13th St (13th St NW between Logan Circle and U) (follow your nose).

Herb references from Wikipedia and the back of Burpee seed packets.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

June 21: This Day In History

New Hampshire becomes the ninth and last necessary state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, thereby making the document the law of the land and saving the DC street that runs parallel to the Mall from being named Articles of Confederation Avenue.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Remember the Bees?

I have been busy at work so I am recycling posts from the Vault of Herb.

Originally posted June 16, 2007 as:

The Bureau of Misdirected Destiny (Logan Circle Style)

R.I.P. bees or is there a new Borf for bees?

I found this odd street memorial to the mysteriously missing bees this afternoon near the corner of 14
th and S NW (behind the Garden District). I'm not sure when it went up but it wasn't there last weekend.

(Click to enlarge...but you know that!)

Individual homages to the victims of Bee Colony Collapse Disorder (

Jesus candles and abandoned honey combs

A bench is in front where one may sit in quiet reflection on what we may have done

Bureau of Misdirected Destiny

UPDATE June 19, 2007:

This is the work of artists Matthew McGuinness and Eliza Newman Saul as part of SiteProjects DC .

UPDATE June 30, 2007:

Wonkette commentator Disinformationministry believes he has located the missing bees.

Where Are the Updates?

Herb! You have not posted in a week. What am I suppose to do when I am sitting on my iphone wasting time during the work day?

16th St Reader

Dear 16th St Reader:

I apologize for not posting but I have worked the last two weekends and am not in a posty type of mood. Fear not though, I am going to recycle some items from a year ago this month from the Vault of Herb before my readership exploded to tens per day.




Monday, June 9, 2008

The Mysterious Metro Emoticon

What is the subliminal message Metro is trying to convey here in its email and text messages? Is this


a typo or is it a previously unknown Emoticon? If it is a typo why does it appear over and over again in communications over the past few weeks?

From a message sent several times Monday concerning the derailment on the Orange Line:

ID 44490) Disruption at Court House. (Trains are sharing a track between Clarendon and Foggy Bottom due to a derailed train outside Court House station. Shuttle bus service has been established. Orange Line customers should seek an alternate form of travel.).



It certainly isn't a smile :-) or a wink ;-)

So what do you think is the emotional content Metro is trying to convey with "Orange Line customers should seek an alternate form of travel.). ?"


Christmas in June and Judging Miss Oklahoma

Once again I am flummoxed by some of the Google searches that bring folks to my blog. Today the two most bizarre are "judging miss oklahoma" and "conspiracy satan or santa." What kind of blog does Google think I am running here? Me judgmental? Satan/Santa conspiracy theories?

Oh wait, I did blog once that Santa=Satan and how some guy with lots of time on his hands (why do I know that only a guy would do this?) discovered that if you play "Silver Bells" backwards you hear some satanic message. Or is least he does. It was kinda lame but since it is so freakishly hot out, if a little devil-may-care Holiday music puts you in a cooler mood, you can listen to it here.

There do you feel a little cooler now?

The Miss Oklahoma 2008 crown was won by lyrical dancer Kelsey Cartwright. Ms. Cartwright prepared for winning the title with "a lot of calf raises and Fox News watching."

Oh Kelsey! I don't judge. I just present the facts and like the Fox News slogan: "We report. You decide."

Zen Waterfall

The sound of running water is very soothing unless it is coming from your ceiling. Turning off the air conditioner during the biggest heat wave of the year seems to stop the tide.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Blogging While Impaired

BWI. Not the airport.

Home. Back problems. Pain killers.

I greatly dislike the word "presumptive." I also hate "jetted", "corded", and "slotted."

The cat keeps staring at me.

The seed packet for my "Envy" Zinnias suggests that one should "Use flowers to decorate platters of home grown tomatoes or watermelon."

I should be more bothered by the fact that over 50% of the Google searches bringing people to my blog are looking for information on "High School Musical 3, 4 or 5." Whoops.

I wonder if Martha Stewart drunk still talks that way.

This looks like the best potato recipe ever. I would go make them now except I'm afraid I would fall asleep and burn down the house. I should probably credit the blog where I first saw this link. Oh well. It's not like she will see this.

I haven't used the word Sisyphean on my blog in a while.

Finding information on "High School Musical 5" here is a Sisyphean task.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The DC COMEDY CAB: Jokes! Misogyny! Monica Lewinsky!

It was not just my first ride in a sweet metered Diamond Cab Company DC Cab. What, you are expecting some typical weenie DC blog post about how-nice-to-finally-see-a-meter-so-I- tipped- the- driver-extra-money-for-obeying-the-law. Nope, not here bud cause I got jokes, I got Hillary, I even witnessed the return of Monica Frackin' Lewinsky cause I was riding in the DC COMEDY CAB!

And off we go departing from 14th and T NW! Whee!!!!

Meter: $3.00
DC COMEDY CAB: Did you hear that Bill Clinton's dog died? He climbed into bed with Hillary and froze to death.

Meter: $3.75.
DC COMEDY CAB: Do you know why Bill Clinton won't let Hillary wear mini skirts? He doesn't want her b***s to show!

Meter: $5.25
DC COMEDY CAB: Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is leaving the Democrat Party? She said that the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Meter $6.50
DC COMEDY CAB: Monica was at the dry cleaners and asked the hard of hearing owner when her dress would be ready. "Come again?" he said. Monica "No just ketchup this time."

Meter $7.75
DC COMEDY CAB: So Chelsea Clinton was visiting Iraq and asked a soldier if he was ever scared. He said "The only thing that scares me is Osama, Obama, and yo Mama."

Arriving at 17th and E the total damage was $7.75 plus the $1.00 gas surcharge for $8.75 which was only .25 more than the old reviled zone rate. And I got COMEDY! I got Bill Clinton! Just don't forget to tip your DC COMEDY CAB DRIVER! He'll be here all week. Try the veal!

Metro's 12 Car Train!

How to solve Metro's overcrowded cars? How about a 12 car train! What you say, that won't fit on the platform? So how come a 12 car train passed through 7 stations and no one noticed the potentially dangerous error? From the Washington Post:

Metro was operating a particularly long train Sunday morning on the Blue Line. It was supposed to have six cars. Train 409 had 12.

A preliminary investigation suggests that the mix-up occurred as the train was preparing to leave the Largo rail yard at 7:27 a.m. to begin its run to Franconia-Springfield. Metro officials think the regular six-car train might have rolled backward on an incline and hooked up with a six-car train behind it, said Metro spokesman Steven Taubenkibel.

No one noticed anything unusual as the 12-car train traveled to seven stations. At Eastern Market, a station manager thought he was looking at an eight-car train that had not stopped properly at the platform, a recurrent problem.

The station manager radioed Metro's control center, which alerted the train operator. By then, she had pulled into the Capitol South station.

The controller asked the operator what kind of train she had.

A six-car train, the operator said.

The controller told her to double-check.

The operator looked out her cab window and remarked, "It looks like I have more lights than I should,'" according to Taubenkibel. She got out for a closer look. Sure enough, there were 12 cars.

No injuries were reported, although it is unsafe for train doors to open in tunnels or other areas away from station platforms. A station platform is only 600 feet long, the exact length of an eight-car train.

The operator is on administrative leave while Metro investigates.

Monday, June 2, 2008

My New Favorite Blog--"Things Younger Than John McCain"

My new favorite blog "Things younger than Republican Presidential candidate (oh, and did I forget to mention war hero?) John McCain"

For example from the May 19, 2008 entry:

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is younger than John McCain.

I put Kraft Macaroni and Cheese right up there with the wheel and the iphone as one of the world’s great inventions. Created by divine inspiration in 1937, it’s the perfect meal when you have a cold or when you’re too lazy to make, you know, real food. The key, however, lies in my own secret technique… which I will share with you here and now:
The Double Drain™.

You see, the directions call for the chef to drain the water after the macaroni has come to a boil… but that’s insane. Between the milk, the butter, and the excess water that didn’t drain, you’ll still be left with a runny mess that will deprive you of the full “cheese” experience. One must do a second, “cleansing” drain just prior to emptying the contents onto ones plate. And one must also use a wooden spoon.

For the less industrious among us, there’s a product called “Kraft Easy Mac” which can be prepared with just water and a microwave in 3 1/2 minutes… but that’s just sad.
Finally, to borrow from a comment that Joe G. wrote about the corndog (which was one of the five most impassioned odes to the corndog I’ve ever read), “Elect a President that was born before the invention of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Not on my watch, pal.”