Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanksgiving Fail!


For delivering everything ordered except the turkey and the pan!

DC USA Target--FAIL!

For posting signs in the organizational storage bin aisle teasing "If you can't find a lid for the bin you want just ask!"

I asked a red-shirted clerk for help finding a lid and she displayed a Miss Cleo clairvoyance by knowing exactly the bin I desired without bothering to ask and told me that there were no additional lids in the back.

Herb of DC: "So why does the sign say to ask?"

Miss Cleo Target: "I don't know."

DC USA Target--FAIL!

For having a red Customer Service phone near the storage bin aisle that requests that you press 1 to speak to a Customer Service agent or press 2 to have an associate meet you at that station to assist you. The 1 and 2 buttons on the phone do not work.

Herb of DC--FAIL!

For finding the nearest working red Customer Service phone and pressing 2 to have an associate meet me at that station to assist me with finding the lid for a large storage bin, not realizing that the ringing bell and flashing light would summon a less than pleased Miss Cleo Target. An elaborate pantomime ensued of "Oh does this red phone contact Target, I thought I was calling Russia or something?" before slinking off to hide in housewares.

Fried Turkey--FAIL!

Thanksgiving Cakes--FAIL (From Cake Wrecks)

Thanksgiving Sweater--FAIL!

Green Bean Casserole--WIN!!!


Monday, November 24, 2008

The Year the Cat Died During Le Jour de L'action de Grâce Dinner

On Thanksgiving Day 2004 I was hosting about 10 guests for a buffet Thanksgiving dinner. I am embarrassed to say that there was a slightly pretentious menu published in advance in French celebrating the first Le Jour de L'action de Grâce Dinner between les Pilgrims and les Indiens d'Amérique.

Lucy the 19 year old cat looked particularly frail that morning when she turned her back on my rushing around and made her way into the basement. No begging for turkey (er...la dinde). No perching on the stool watching me cook. No attempts to jump on the forbidden couch that had been temporarily stripped of the Lucy-proof aluminum foil in order to welcome guests bearing Haricots Verts in Beurre Blanc Casserole.

Lucy had been in my life for for almost 17 years and at times the skinny purring furball was the best cat in the world.

Except when she wasn’t.

Her favorite trick was to chase a foam ball and drop it in front of me to toss again for her to fetch back in her best dog fashion. Being a cat though, she refused to ever do this trick when there were witnesses and gave me a disgusted look when I commanded "Lucy, fetch" in front of others.

She could also be the most evil creature this side of a Star Jones divorce affidavit if she was displeased with you.

The first time I stayed out all night I returned to find a token of Lucy's disaffection in the middle of the glass topped coffee table. As my mother Pug would say, "That's not an accident, that's a purposeful." (This makes more sense when said in a soft Kentucky accent and perhaps after knocking back a couple of bourbons.) Lucy continued to express her disapproval of me and my lifestyle over the years through her digestive system with elaborate purposefuls on furniture, shoes, suitcases, bedding and once on a quickly short-lived radio.

For five years I traveled back and forth between DC and Pittsburgh for work much to her disgust. She initially destroyed the white leather living room furniture upset that I was leaving her during the work week although one could make a case that she was judging my Miami Vice-like taste in furniture. I tried taking her to Pittsburgh during the week and she demonstrated her outage by urinating into two handset phones taking down an entire home phone system in my rented house in the Steel City. (Just in case you are wondering, Verizon Customer Support does not have a code for “Cat Urine in the Phone” when taking service requests).

Finally Lucy and I eventually developed a mutual trusting relationship where I kept most of the furniture covered in aluminum foil and all phones wall mounted and she pinky-paw promised to keep her purposefuls to a minimum and occasionally play fetch with me as long as I kept her in Fancy Feast, her fetch secret safe and didn't make her travel to Pittsburgh any more.

In 2004 she had begun a gradual decline--the usual things that happen to a cat that old, slow kidney failure, hearing loss and general lack of energy. It just seemed like there was less and less of Lucy every day and rarely were there any purposefuls any more. She seemed content and not in pain although sometimes she was a bit befuddled. Most days she would slowly make her way down the steps to the basement to find her favorite red cushion next to the furnace and spent her days warming her bones and purring to some far off memory of a private game of fetch.

Perhaps I contributed to hastening her demise by adopting Lucy and Lizzie the dogs early in 2003. I had planned on changing their names to avoid pet confusion but Lucy and Lizzie are, well let's go on and say it, a few Milk Bones short of a box. Attaching the command "NO, we do not eat leather belts" to any name besides Lucy and Lizzie seemed unrealistic. Lucy the cat's last year of her life was a confusing cacophony of "Lucy, no not you, the OTHER Lucy. The one chewing the Christmas lights" so perhaps it was a blessing that she was losing her hearing.

Before Thanksgiving Dinner I checked on her in the basement and she stared at me with a look of confusion as I interrupted her vigil by the furnace. She was purring but the poor thing had not quite made it to her soft red pillow and was on the cold cement basement floor. I gently helped her onto her pillow and noticed how even skinnier and frailer she had become.

"Please Lucy," I recall thinking, "Don't leave today. Not on Thanksgiving."

I'm not saying that Lucy did a final purposeful, but she did depart this world sometime during Thanksgiving Dinner between the turkey, I mean la dinde, and la tarte à la pumpkin with Les Cool Whip. Sneaking downstairs I found her peacefully curled up in a ball next to the furnace but no longer purring and no longer on her red cushion. She was gone; however, the Lucy I knew had been gone for several weeks and mercifully her body was catching up with her soul.

Saying a little prayer, I thanked her for 17 years of companionship and fetch playing and apologized for the dogs and Pittsburgh. I put her back on her red cushion one last time. There may have been a tear that I later attributed to an overly spicy la farce les pèlerins.

"Where's Lucy," guests asked later.

"There she is" I would say a little too quickly and loudly, pointing at Lucy la chienne in mid-bite of a tasty Thanksgiving electrical cord.

"No, the cat."

"Uhm, she's in the basement."

I mean really what could I say? I didn't want to ruin Thanksgiving for others or have guests worriedly whispering to one another "Did the cat eat any of that la dinde this morning?"

Lucy did have one final road trip. The pet crematorium didn't open until 8:30 am the next day so Lucy and her beloved red cushion made a 4:00 am Black Friday trip in the back seat of my SUV to Wal-Mart. I always like to think that she enjoyed it. I kept the car nice and warm and Northern Virginia is definitely not Pittsburgh.

Happy Thanksgiving Lucy! No, not that Lucy. The PURPOSEFUL Lucy. I hope you are somewhere playing fetch with a special friend and yes, your fetch secret is always safe with me.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

November 22, 1963

I was home sick from school. My mother and I were watching "As the World Turns" on CBS when the first bulletin interrupted with news that bullets had been fired at President Kennedy's motorcade.

Thanks to YouTube I can view these bulletins again and despite being 5 yrs old at the time I still remember most of them.

The Avon lady dropped by after it had been confirmed that Kennedy was dead and my mother told her the shocking news. She left immediately in tears.

The next day Friday, all schools were closed as part of a national day of mourning. My sister and I roller skated in the basement before we went to a special service at our Methodist Church.

The rest of the weekend was spent watching the black and white coverage up to and including the State Funeral.

Later my mother purchased as a keepsake the assassination issue of "Life Magazine" which is still in the family. I remember being surprised to see the events also took place in color. Still though, when I think back on these terrible days the images are all in black and white.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My Letter to Aramark

Dear Aramark:

I will make this brief and to the point. I have noticed that you now serve Swedish Meatballs on Wednesdays and Fridays at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit Cafeteria.

If I wanted Swedish Meatballs twice a week I would go to work at IKEA.

Thank you,

Herb of DC

P.S. Just as a gentle reminder, Wednesday is "Soup Day" and Friday is "Fish Sticks Day." Now let's dance it out!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hi! Love to All, Whimpy (The 1957 Prequel)

The prequel to yesterday's post, the first postcard in the series from Whimpy in January 1957 to Col. and Mrs E.B. Walker.

So how did these wonderful postcards end up in a church rummage sale in a bag labelled "APO Posted Cards ASIA $1"? Are there any family members remaining who would be interested in them?

"Hi! I am returning to Korea after a wonderful seven days with Art and Eva for 4 days, Tokyo 3 days. It was grand. Love to All, Whimpy."

Monday, November 17, 2008

Dearest Mammy... Much, Much Love Whimpy!

From a package of 20 vintage postcards I purchased for $1 at a church rummage sale.

A serviceman (Whimpy/Jack/John) writes from Southeast Asia to his mother (Mammy/Mother/Mrs. E.B. Walker) in Chevy Chase, MD at the height of the Vietnam War.

May 1967: "Hi Mammy-I have a conference in Washington soon and will see you before long. Get strong! XXOO Whimpy"

June 1967: "Dearest Mammy...So glad to get your card that Lily Mae wrote for you...I have my leave orders and will see you soon! Much Love Whimpy"

July 1967: "Dearest Mammy-Finally caught up on my work and already planning my next leave home with you. Your late afternoon dizzy periods will soon get better. Next time we go to a Chinese restaurant! Much love Whimpy!"

Dec. 1967: (Mother has a new address) "Dearest Mother-Miss you very much!... XX Jack"

Feb 1968: "Dearest Mother-I think you will enjoy seeing this beautiful picture...Much Love! XX Whimpy"

October 1968: "Dearest Mother I am three days late in writing....but a long letter soon. Much love XXOO Jack"

The last postcard in the series.

Nov 5, 1968:(Election Day, Nixon defeats Humphrey) "Dearest Mammy - I am listening to the election. Seems to be very close. Mailed you a Christmas present and am going to try and come home. XXOO Much, Much Love Whimpy."

Names: Jack Walker, Col John W. Walker, Whimpy Walker, Mrs E.B Walker, Art and Eva, Lily Mae, Jony, Art Sweberg, Nancy, Jean O

Address: 4007 Underwood St, Chevy Chase, MD

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Notorious H.E.R.B. Sr.

I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:

High School Musical 5
Inaugural Balls
do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida
miss america susan powell
Herb Recipe Magazine
esoteric herb
real hookers caught on Tape
what do they do at the inagural ball

maveric Herb
DC brothel
orville redenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob

Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!

Wait, "esoteric herb?"

That's a new one!

Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.


Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.

I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?

Some choice lyrics to "Herb"

You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time

But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme
A herb, if you claim your raps is official
But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue

Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:

A herb, actually, better yet a joke
If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke
If you traded in your comic books and stamps
For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants

You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump

But go to school tying your bandana in the front

"Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd
Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb
Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame
But hide yaself online with a fake screen name

More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:

You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads
Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads
A herb, if you never pay for a date
A big herb if you never reciprocate

And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:

A herb, if you steal out the tip cup
If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up
You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this
If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless
If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans

If you dis the goon group because you left a bean
You're a herb, m*therf*cker

I don't even know where to begin.

Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class.

Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:


1) (on the streets) A stupid person.

2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.

3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.

Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...

5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t

Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.

And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this?

So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.

It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.

This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result:
Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.

Don't mess with Herb Sr, people!

Sunday Warehouse Clearance Sale

1. I know it's none of my business but I would really like for there to be a little White House baby in 2009. I'm not above starting internet rumors to make it happen. Barry and Michelle?

2. Some complain about blogs that only provide links without comments. Here is the link to the latest internet sensation, the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam. My comment: Lucy and Lizzie, you can be replaced!

3. Due to my blog posts or comments, I have been contacted twice in the past month by Mainstream Media to participate in their stories. This is sad.

Sarah Plain reminds me of one of those American Idol contestants we laugh at who never makes the finals yet shows up up each new season even more determined. Instead of taking voice lessons or studying music theory she spends the off season memorizing a new song, one more intense and that can be sung at a higher volume than all previous ones. Through sheer determination, tenacity and personality, she dares us to overlook her lack of talent and reminds us over and over that she and she alone deserves to be the next American Idol.

5. I like lemons. I like lemon drops. If you want to smell like a lemon drop use this body scrub. Yum!

6. Those who are saying blogging is dead haven't seen my blog. Well haven't seen my blog in 2009 when I have all those great blog posts about that White House baby.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Crowd Reaction Around the World at the Moment of Obama's Victory!

We all have seen the footage of the crowds celebrating Obama's victory but what happened the moment it was announced? I found on CNN.com today an article about this amazing blog dedicated to showing clips of crowd reactions the instant the Obama victory was announced on CNN. I have to admit I got a little teary eyed at watching and listening to the young and enthusiastic crowd at Georgetown University.

You will hear the crowds begin the countdown, ready to cheer when the countdown clock hits "1" except this time CNN follows that with calling the race for Obama.

What I find stunning is that on some of the clips you can hear the moment it registers with them--the cheering for the countdown switches to screams of joy at the victory!

Relive Nov. 4 again with Countdown to Victory Blog here.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Need Inaugural Tickets? Just Calm Down People and Avoid the Scams!

So who is in a panic trying to find tickets to the Inauguration?
If you are Oprah, Gayle, Grandma Biden, Katie Couric, teachers at the Chicago Lab School, Tina Fey, Amtrak conductors, Joy Behar, Bruce Springsteen, John Stewart or are from Scranton, don't worry, you are in. You may confidently purchase your ball attire. If you are a Kennedy, most likely you are in except for, well you know who you are.

Those who are going to a Ball to Nowhere: Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joe the Plumber Country Singer, Aunt Zeituni, Bill Ayers, Scarlett Johansson, anyone Lieberman, Jeremiah Wright, Chuck Norris and the State of Alaska. Hope you kept those receipts!

So for the rest of you, how will you get tickets? How can you avoid being scammed or paying high prices for free tickets? I answer many of your emails below.

Dear Herb of DC:

Please send me tickets to the Inauguration Swearing-In ceremony. Could you also include a check refunding your Mother's and my contribution for your 4 years of college at that Prestigious Basketball University? I thought by now you would be a big-shot corporate executive not that I am not proud that you are a Systems Analyst III at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit.


Herb Sr (Retired)

P.S. Please have that check certified

Dear Herb Sr (Retired):

You have a much better chance than I do to obtain tickets! Put down your remote control, pick up your JitterBug phone and contact your Congressman or Senator in one of those Red States you live in and ask to be put on the list for one of the 250,000 free Swearing-In ceremony tickets. You must pick the tickets up in person the week before the inauguration.

There will also be space on the Mall that will not require tickets.

It's already too late to request tickets if you live in DC. Rep. Eleanor "Holmes Rule" Norton has said "Yes We Can't" and asked that people stop contacting her for tickets. Just STOP it people!


Looks like she forgot to tell the webmaster on her campaign site.

You should also know that no website or other ticket outlet actually has Inaugural Swearing-In tickets to sell, regardless of what they may claim.

"Any website or ticket broker claiming that they have inaugural tickets is simply not telling the truth," said Howard Gantman Staff Director for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies. "Tickets for the swearing-in of President-elect are all provided through members of Congress, and the President-elect and Vice President-elect through the Presidential Inaugural Committee. We urge the public to view any offers of tickets for sale with great skepticism."

Find your very own representatives here.


Herbie of DC

P.S. Could I send you some pumpkins instead?

Dear Herb of DC:

I am desperate to go to an Inaugural Ball. I will do anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Sexual favors, house cleaning for a year, dog sitting, limericks, free legal advice, etc. I see websites offering tickets now for outrageous sums to Inaugural Balls. Are these legit?


Pink Crocs in the Drive-Thru Lane

P.S. Did I mention that I would do ANYTHING?

Dear Pink:

Take a cold shower, chant "Yes We Can" and calm the heck down! The locations of the Official Inaugural Balls have not been announced. The Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC), which hasn't even been established yet is responsible for all official balls and galas hosted in honor of the newly-elected President.

Be very cautious in purchasing these tickets online now unless you are purchasing tickets for one of the unofficial Inaugural balls and you can confirm the ball's existence. Exercise great restraint in purchasing tickets to a ball with a location of TBA, has a generic name like "Inaugural Ball" or has tickets that cannot be delivered yet. Those sound like a croc of a scam to me.

Fashionably Yours,

Herb of DC

P.S. Could you define "anything" in the form of a limerick? Oh wait, you did last week.

Dear Herb of DC:

Okay Mr. Smarty, so what's the difference between an official and unofficial Inaugural Ball?

Violating My Restraining Order,

Dave the Auditor

Dear Dave:

That's easy, Dave. Barack twirling Chris Matthews Michelle around the dance floor. Joe and Jill Biden's J-Setting dance routine. These take place at the official balls. You will also see politicians, celebrities and people from all around the country celebrating this historic moment. You may also find overcrowding, uninspired food choices, long lines for coat checks and stout Swing State women wearing the best of The Quacker Factory. Ticket proceeds from these balls are used to offset the cost of the inauguration.

The unofficial balls are often more fun with better music and entertainment but there is only a remote chance that you will see some presidential star dust. Unofficial balls are hosted by state societies, veterans organizations, universities, Gay and Lesbian organizations and entertainment media. Celebrities, politicians and ordinary folk will be seen exchanging fist bumps and most likely be better dressed and better fed.

Unofficially Yours,

Herb of DC

Dear Dude of DC:

I had a dope sky Presidential Seal Beer Bong made especially for the Inaugural balls. Which ball venue will be the best for heavy dude partying?


DC Hipster Prince

Dear Hipster:

Try Clinton's first Inaugural.

Party on,

Herb of DC

Dear Douche of DC:

But you still haven't told us how to get tickets to Inaugural Balls!

Getting Annoyed,

Doug in Las Felices

Dear DILF:

Okay, my friend here you go.

Start networking now! Do you have a relative in another state who is a party official or a big donor? That relative is now your favorite! Send homemade "Change Happened" cookies now! Have them start working their connections!

Call your own Senators and Representatives. Email anyone you know who worked on the Obama campaign. Continue making donations to the Democratic National Committee, State Parties or the Obama campaign. When The Presidential Inaugural Committee is formed contact individual members or any website they may set up. Don't forget to mention how you knocked on every door in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Florida until your knuckles bled.

Watch online for the unofficial balls as they open up. Buy your tickets now directly from the organizations (charging on a credit card for safety) and not through a ticket broker.

Do not pay cash for any of these tickets!

And if all else fails chill out and organize your own party.


Herb of DC

P.S. Oh yeah the Inaugural Parade. Free bleacher seat tickets from your Representatives and Senators.

So...what are you inaugural plans?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I'm Slowly Starting to Get It

The below is from an email from a 24 year old acquaintance, I didn't ask for permission to print this but I think it will be okay.

I am still so damn happy, I want to cheer and cry every minute of the day. Obama's victory means so much to me. I feel inspired. I think back to when I was in 7th grade and we had to discuss in groups what we wanted to be when we grew up. I said I wanted to be President and the boy next to me said I would never be president since my parents weren't white or born in America. I told him that was bullsh*t, because in America you can be anything.

I have never been this proud to be an American. And I hope the feeling never wears off.

Herb again...

I know most of my readers read the Washington Post but if you missed this linked article about a retired White House butler, take some time and read it. It is a long article but worth it and if you don't tear up a little at the ending, you truly have no heart.

Inappropriate Hottie Rundown - The Obama Cabinet!

Back to the superficial...from the folks at 23/6

"Obama's starting to name his cabinet picks, and the speculation is swirling about who the top contenders might be. Everyone's ranking them by their qualifications and their previous work with Obama blah blah blah, but it's about time someone got around to figuring out which ones are the hottest. After a quick glance, we're thinking this cabinet should be at least as smoking as Clinton's though not quite as hot as Carter's (mmm, Muskie!). After the jump, we rate them one by one. If this cabinet's rockin', don't come knockin'!"

Friday, November 7, 2008

Beware Inaugural Ball Ticket Scams!

With all the chattering on the interwebs about how to snag tickets to the official Inaugural Balls, it is not surprising that the scammers have also arrived. I am not going to provide links to these official looking sources but let me be clear:


No one has tickets yet for the official* Inaugural Balls.

The Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC)—established after the November election—is responsible for all official balls and galas hosted in honor of the newly-elected President.

Come back here later for more info but do not be tempted now to buy any of those online $2500 tickets!

*What you don't know the difference between an official and unofficial Inaugural Ball? Must I do Google searches for everyone?

Look for an upcoming post soon and I will explain!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Post Election Blues with Skippy the Licensed Therapist

My weekly appointment with Skippy the Licensed Therapist pretty much follows the same script.

We discuss:

1. My Tenant who pays rent yet never takes out trash
2. The Other Tenant who sleeps on a couch in exchange for walking the dogs and light chores
3. The unwalked dogs, incomplete light chores and piles of trash bags left in the kitchen
4. My deep and angst ridden blog and why I don’t give Skippy the URL
5. Skippy’s kitchen renovation
6. My boss
7. Skippy’s upcoming vacation
8. The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit
9. Skippy’s kitchen renovation
10. 1993
11. “The View”
12. Skippy
13. Moral deficiencies of mutual acquaintances
14. Skippy’s partner
15. My leaky roof
16. Skippy's kitchen renovation
17. My alleged "Problem"
18. Wrap-up and My Pledge to Try Harder
19. The status of my out-of-network reimbursement from Don’tCareFirstBlueCrossBlueShield.

This week I switched it up by revealing how depressed I am now that the election is over.


Massive soul crushing "don't bother to take the little blue pill and am I too old to go Goth?" depression.

I thought I would be happy now since in general I am pleased with the election results. Plus:

No more coming home to hear Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann blathering about who has the bigger man crush for Barack on the All Obama Network.

No more channel surfing past Bill O’Reilly screaming about socialism, Keith Olbermann or the ladies of "The View."

No more pretending at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit gym that I am listening to my non-functioning iPod when I am really watching the ladies of “The View” on the overhead TV go at it gato a gato.

"So Skippy" I asked, "Why am I so blue?"

I looked up and there he was with his head nodding up and down and lightly snoring.

I should have kept to the script.

Update 11/06/08

Apparently others feel the same.

Cindy Brady/Obama Connection Revealed!

What happened? I woke up and suddenly I am older than the president-elect!

From the Washington Post, here are some other "firsts" related to age that the elite liberal mainstream media suppressed until after the election:

First president too young to have gone to Woodstock.

First president too young to have been drafted.

First president younger than Caroline Kennedy.

First president younger than almost all of the "Brady Bunch" (he's 10 days older than Cindy).

First first lady too young to have voted for Jimmy Carter.

First first lady to graduate from high school in the 1980s.

First first lady younger than 60 percent of the stars of "The Breakfast Club."

First first lady younger than Madonna.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

40 Years and 7 Months Later: 9:00 PM Election Night 2008 14th and U

The Washington D.C. Riots of 1968 started April 4, 1968 at 14th and U NW at approximately 9:00 PM.

Election Night November 4, 2008 9:00 PM 14th and U


After 11:00 PM


Photos by Royomar

Okay So You Stood in Line for Eight Hours to Vote Today! Now Shut Up and Get Back to Work!

The one-upmanship has already begun at work on who endured the greatest hardship today attempting to vote.

“I had to wait for TWO hours in Dupont and then the machines broke down and I had to vote using a paper ballot. PAPER! It was like I was in a Third World country or Florida or something.”

“In Ashburn the line stretched all the way to Sterling. And it was snowing! Unlike when giving blood you don’t get a cookie and orange juice afterwards, who knew? Fortunately I had brought some Necco wafers to share.”

“I stood in six inches of raw sewage in Rossyln for three hours surrounded by a Barber Shop quartet but I voted!”

Pink Crocs are banned at polling places in Virginia so I voted barefoot despite the broken glass and rusty nails strewn about. Oh and there were clouds of angry killer bees.”

“A roving gang of Elisabeth Hasselbeck impersonators in Bethesda saw my Obama button and tried to block my entrance to the polling place but I kicked their skinny a**es all the way from here to Starbucks.”

“Hungry, hungry pythons were crawling across the floor at my polling place in Arlington but I found that offering up Grandma (who was going to vote for Sad Grandpa anyway) was enough to distract them so I could vote. I feel better knowing she was delicious right to the end.”

Okay, people I get it. You made sacrifices to vote. It isn’t supposed to be easy. Democracy isn’t pretty. So shut up now and get back to work.

Monday, November 3, 2008


This election campaign has lasted almost as long as my promises to start working out again "soon!"

Don't forget to vote and if things work out right for your candidate, you may be making desperate pleas to snag tickets to one of the Inaugural Balls.

My endorsements?

Not McCain. I liked the old McCain, the Maverick. I'm not sure where this Sad Angry Grandpa came from. Plus he still needs to explain to me why he is collecting Social Security along with his other pensions and his Senate salary. Country First? Rich wife?



Maybe not Carol "I'm Only Going to Robocall You Once" Schwartz also. Carol, it was cute having your adult daughters call us tonight but it is still a second Robocall for YOU! I may be in a more forgiving mood tomorrow when the predicted rain will remind me of the remarkable durability, height and consistency of your hairdo over the years.

Sarah Palin? What Magic Comedy Fairy dropped you into our midst. I LOVE YOU! I disagree with most of your politics but come on folks, can't we let her live in the VP mansion anyway? "Plugs" Biden can ride his beloved Amtrak to work every day and be the "real" VP. Think how fun it would be to have the Palins baggin' their own groceries at Shoppers Food Warehouse or snow machinin' down Massachusetts Avenue. Huntin'? What about all those deer in Rock Creek Park?

November 4! It is here! Do your civic duty folks!

This Could Be You: Herb of DC at the 1993 Clinton Inaugural Ball

I learned the hard way that the extra large wrist corsage was a big no-no at crowded Inaugural Balls. Hers was oversize also.

Clinton plays the saxophone while some lady in the crowd fingers him

Be sure to eat before you go...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Annual Employee Halloween Party: A Whale of a Good Time?

The email I dread receiving each October:

"There will be a Halloween party hosted by the Employee Engagement Task Force in the atrium of the Headquarters building on October 31 from 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Prizes will be awarded to the best Halloween costumes. Refreshments will include cider and doughnuts."

The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit is deservedly well known and respected for its very serious and important mission, but the ability to throw a rockin' party is not part of its Official Charter or corporate culture.

The annual Halloween party is usually a yawn inducing affair. Since the organization is officially politically neutral, you won't see a pander of Palins or a babel of Bidens. You will never see a bill of Baracks or a maverick of McCains marching back to crack with Joe the Plumber.

Sexy Nurses? Not here? More like Nurses Thankful for Comfortable Shoes. Towering fabulous drag queens dressed as the Venerated Big Humanitarian Foundress? Are you kidding me? No hottie firewomen, booty shaking pirate's wenches, saucy Girl Scouts, UPS deliverymen with large Humanitarian Non-Restrictive Endowments or half-naked leather clad buff Warren Buffetts, either.

In other words there is not a single costume allowed that I would want to wear.

At best the predictable costumes seen are what you would find at a tasteful and expensive plus-sized Day Care Center. Impossibly large Kandy Korn People, along with puffy jaded Lady Bugs and what must be refugees from the Jenny Craig Pumpkin Patch stand around and knock back some apple cider while discussing Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Challenges. Pre-hypertensive Bunches of Grapes, bored looking Disney characters with swollen ankles and for whatever reason this year a large number of jumbo Cleaning Products slowly trudge back and forth across the atrium in a vain search for a doughnut not covered in orange and black sprinkles.

I was standing with my back to the Security Guard Station eavesdropping on a leaning Statue of Liberty and a droopy Tweety Bird discussing fund raising opportunities through the use of Social Media when I suddenly heard loud scurrying noises behind me.

An eight foot tall light blue whale, with a jaunty sailors cap emblazoned with the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit's symbol was about to make an entrance flanked by what could be best described as, sexy Humanitarian Dolphins!

Someone didn't get the memo!

One by one the sexy Humanitarian Dolphins swam through the Security Gate each carefully swiping her ID card before entering the atrium. The crowd began to move closer to the Guard Station eager to greet the great light blue Whale and his escorts that were going to save the party from its annual dullness.

Due to his Non-Profit girth the Whale had to slowly slide through the Security Gates sideways.


Undaunted by setting off the alarm the Whale entered the atrium to much excitement and applause. The sexy Humanitarian Dolphins protectively circled him as they began to take a lap around the atrium.

"Sir,SIR" the Security guard yelled, "You must swipe your card."

Not getting a response, the guard turned to me, the closest Big Humanitarian Non-Profit official (read: I wasn't in costume and look old) and said "You need to tell the Whale to bring me his ID or I will have him thrown out."

Choking back the temptation to ask the guard how he knew the Whale was a male since I saw no Whale sized genitalia I meekly complied.

Fortunately I quickly discovered by asking one of the slower swimming Dolphins that one of the other sexy Humanitarian Dolphins was carrying his ID in her pouch (do all Dolphins have pouches or just the sexy ones?). I was able to satisfy security requirements and no embarrassing Whale evictions were needed!

I rock!

I saved the Whale!

On Halloween!

Now what do we need to do to get the Whale to return for the the annual Holiday Party?

McCain and Palin on QVC and Don't Call me Herbie!

On SNL last night John McCain and Tina Fey's Sarah Palin hawked their message on QVC and at the end were joined by Cindy McCain to sell fine gold.



Will Sarah Palin become Ms. Fey's Fonzie? I have to admit when I was watching "30 Rock" this week I kept waiting for her to do Palin. I understand how career limiting playing a breakout character can be; sometimes when I am visiting Indiana I will run into old friends who only want to rehash my groundbreaking interpretation as the Scarecrow in the Western Heights grade school production of the "The Wizard of Oz." Who knew I would be the first (and perhaps last) to play the role as a very fashionable and sarcastic Scarecrow?

People back there also still insist on calling me "Herbie" but that is a very painful and heartbreaking future post.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

On the Second Day of Halloween...

Nov 1
13th St NW Washington, DC

I'm sitting down to eat and the doorbell rings. Opening the door I see two unfamiliar young girls dressed neatly in jeans and sweatshirts.

"Do you have any Halloween candy left?"

"No" I said rather stunned.

"Okay" they mumbled and started down the sidewalk. No apology for disturbing my dinner. No explanation why they were a day late and a costume short.

Finally realizing that DC uncostumed candyscams had reached new heights in chutzpah I yelled "And I won't have any tomorrow night either!"

This post originally appeared in November 2007.

Leslie Kritzer's "Americans on the 2008 Election"

The brilliant actress, singer, writer and filmmaker Leslie Kritzer imitates celebrities ranging from Rachel Zoe to Liza Minnelli to Riff-Tina in this short video. What you don't know Riff-Tina? Where have you been?