Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A FIRE WEATHER WATCH FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA FROM 10 AM EST THIS MORNING THROUGH THIS EVENING. A FIRE WEATHER WATCH MEANS THAT CRITICAL FIRE WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE FORECAST TO OCCUR.
Sent by DC HSEMA to e-mail, pagers, cell phones....
Victoria's Secret models give advice for Valentines Day ("The bigger the box, the better!)
I don't have the "Wedding Bell Blues" but I do still love the 5th Dimension.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I found Martha! Martha the cleaning lady was featured in a commercial by the Farm Bureau (or State Farm Insurance in my failing memory) before each Indiana University basketball game broadcast. This was back in the day when IU basketball was dynomite and I quite possibly had feathered hair. Anyway, students were assigned home game tickets via lottery which due to the demand at the time meant you only got 4 or 5 tickets a season and the rest of the games you watched on TV with Martha leading off the broadcast singing the Indiana fight song.
I remember one season she made a live appearance in Assembly Hall with her bucket and apron and the crowd went insane--I still get goosebumps thinking about it. (Okay remember the winters were long and cold back in Bloomington in those days and the weed wasn't as half as potent as it is today.)
I learned today a new word today-altocelarophobia. Who knew folks had this phobia?
Didn't I warn you people about Inaugural Ball scams?
My friends are mocking my Slap Chop. Whatever. As the infomercial promises I've noticed that I'm in a great mood all day because I'm slapping my troubles away with my Slap Chop. In fact I am slapping it right now.
Tonight's menu: "Tacos, Fettuccine, Linguine, Martini, Bikini."
Once they see my nuts they'll be sorry I didn't purchase an additional one for $9.95.
To the person who stored 20 plus boxes in my basement in 1999, contacted me less than 5 times over the years and returned only last week to pick them up to haul them to Colorado, I did not lie when I said I didn't know where your freaking overhead projector was. Who uses overhead projectors any more anyway? Did you plan on climbing into your Way Back Time Machine to teach High School Geometry in 1981?
Two years ago I threw your nasty, rusting overhead projector away. It made a wonderfully satisfying shattering noise when I tossed in a nearby construction dumpster. Not being an expert in DC construction site disposal rules, I can say with good conscience I don't know exactly where your overhead projector is.
It would have been nice though, to concentrate on the 20 + boxes remaining that I preserved over the years. Offering me a gift card or something would have been a graceful touch, an acknowledgment that you taken advantage of my good nature and space for years. Even a profuse apology would have helped defrost the coldness of the exchange. Instead you chose to quiz my tenant who was helping you haul your crap out if he had seen the overhead projector which really just proved what a self absorbed D-bag you are.
Oh and thanks for leaving the old tire in the corner. Who knows when I might purchase a 1985 Dodge van and need an extra tire?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wait? Haven't I already done this a few times over the years? I just need to add a few more feet facts...
25 Randomly Recycled Things About My Feet
1. On Mother's Day when I was 5, my sister cut the tip of my right big toe off.
One of my strongest memories of that bloody day was being upset that Herb Sr was running red lights on the way to the emergency room. After I was stitched up we stopped at a pet store on Washington Avenue and looked at puppies.
"Can I have a puppy?" I whimpered.
"No dear" my mother Pug answered, "A puppy would lick your toe and it will get all infected and fall off."
2. I am right-handed yet left-footed.
3. When I graduated college my shoe size was 10.5 N. My shoe size today is 12 M.
4. I can't tie shoe laces
When Herb Sr and Pug tried to teach me to tie my shoes for some reason I couldn't grasp the conventional method. Instead I learned a "special" method reserved for "exceptional" children.
It goes something like this:
- Make two bunny whiskers and cross them
- Make two bunny ears and cross them
- Poke the bunny's eyes out and set on fire along with your sister's Barbie doll
Okay maybe step 3 technically happened in High School but even today I can't really tie my shoes correctly. My left shoe especially comes untied using this method.
5. I cannot wear slip-on shoes, only shoes that lace up and require tieing
6. I hate to touch the feet of other people
7. I once was a very successful lady's shoes salesman
If I was asked to assist someone with putting on her shoes I would reply in my most patronizing tone "We sell fashion, not fit." (Intimidation works really well at the higher end of the lady shoes biz.)
8. If I had to choose between being water boarded or a pedicure, I would yell "Strap me down Mr. Cheney and unleash the hoses!"
9. I wear the same pair of comfortable shoes to work every day and I am not a nurse or a Phys Ed teacher.
10. I have Moderate Pronation. This is not to be confused with Janet Jackson's 1989 album "Rhythm Nation."
11. I also have Plantar fasciitis. This is not to be confused with anything except the sweet, sweet relief of water boarding.
12. The Miracle Foot Repair Cream ("As Seen on TV!") works really well on dry, cracked feet and heels. It will not regrow the tip of your right big toe. Trust me on this.
13. I buy argyle socks but never wear them since I don't want to look all "matchy-matchy."
14. I have owned but never worn publicly sandals.
15. I have never owned Crocs.
16. I once sprained my left ankle while wearing cowboy boots.
17. I am sad that on Mother's Day I no longer have a mother to call and remind how my big toe was savagely wounded on her special day. Now I call and remind my sister.
18. A new pair of Keds never made me run faster or jump higher.
19. Unless you make your own pottery to sell at Renaissance faires or you are Judy Collins, you shalt not wear Earth shoes. It is wee too painful for me to explaineth how I learneth this lesson.
20. I wore Doc Martens for most of the 90s hoping to look like a hipster artist or renegade architect. In retrospect I looked like that sad, doughy accountant at raves who is always yelling "I don't think it's working yet!"
21. A dog that sleeps under the blankets on your feet is a joy in the wintertime but a particularly smelly hell in the summer.
22. At the height of the Age of Disco I had a pair or red and blue platform shoes.
23. In my medicine cabinet are two cans of "Cordovan" shoe polish. "Cordovan" was never a Crayola crayon color--not even in the big box of 64 with the crayon sharpener that my sister always got for her birthday since she was "the artistic one." Yeah, that was really artistic when you tried to hack my toe off on Mother's Day you demented junior Vincent Van Gouge.
24. Calling those heartless wretches at the Employee Assistance Program hotline to discuss your potential Post Traumatic Stress Disorder disability claim due to a childhood toe accident is a total waste of time.
25. My left shoe is untied as I write this.
Judy Collins who apparently has all of her toes, sings "Both Sides Now."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Dang it, I published the story about the singing cab driver two days early! Who knew? Research!
Well who knew besides MalSnay and the Jonas Brothers?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Climbing into the nearest cab which was fortunately quite toasty I grumbled something about the freaking cold weather.
"But February is the coldest month, right sir?" the cabby said in an odd sing-song manner.
"Oh great," I thought, "a chatty cab driver." I needed this like I needed another 1.75 % merit increase since I am "at the top of the salary band for your grade." Whatever. Suck it Human Resources.
"Sometimes January is colder" I said as patronizingly as possible, pretending to apply for a very complex commercial mortgage on my cell phone keypad.
"But the song says February makes me shiver."
"Is it okay if I sing it for you?"
Before I could finish miming typing "Debt service coverage ratio" and yell "NO!" he launched into singing in his high pitched lightly accented style.
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.
But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.
Suddenly I recognized the tune. This can't be true?
OH MY GOD HE IS SERENADING ME WITH DON MCLEAN'S "AMERICAN PIE" THE WORLD'S LONGEST SONG! AM I BEING PUNK'D?
(If so I wanted to have a long man-to-man with Ashton and get a really good closeup look of Demi for signs of recent plastic surgery or the receipt for the sale of her soul but that was beside the point.)
I was tired.
I just wanted to get home!
He stopped singing for a minute to explain.
"I am from West Africa and we sing all the time. When I moved here I learned your English by singing American songs. That is how you learn the language and the soul of a culture."
He resumed singing:
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, Miss American Pie...
The traffic was slowly moving up 20th St and he turned around and said,"You can join me."
This can't be happening! This cheerfully demented West African Mary Poppins is going to sing the entirety of "American Pie" and he wants me to sing the chorus with him?
This was looking to be the worst cab ride of my life.
Or the best.
So I joined him singing...
"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin, "This'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die."
Traffic was terrible as we painstakingly sang our way through Dupont Circle and the history of the 50s and 60s. Somewhere around 18th and Q, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost had caught the last train for the coast and we finished the song with both of us bursting out laughing.
"See," he said "You hardly noticed the bad traffic."
Traffic? Work? This was better than any Happy Hour! He sang a bit of Glenn Campbell's "Wichita Lineman" and John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" before pulling in front of my house.
"Now we will sing the song every child knows" he instructed.
"Itsy Bitsy spider climbed up the water spout..."
Parked with the interior lights on for all to see, my West African Mary Poppins of a cab driver and I sang that childhood favorite--complete with hand gestures.
It was the best cab ride of my life! I emptied my wallet and gave him a $20 tip wishing I had more money to offer.
Did I mention it was the best cab ride ever!
I smiled all weekend.
And I'm smiling now...
And they were singing,
"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "This'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die."