You Missed My Birthday!

Again!

But Herb Sr remembered:

The Annual Birthday Call from Herb Sr:

(Ring)
"Hello"
"This is your Dad-Happy Birthday!"
"Aw thanks. How are you..."
" Whoops, commercial break for American Idol is over. Have a good birthday. Your card is in the mail."
(click).

Sally Struthers is 60!

The Celebrity birthday of the day--Sally Struthers!

July 28, 1948

Looking good Sal!

(OK I am totally going to he**)

Another Birthday!

Nothing like realizing your birth was greeted with telegrams to make you feel old! Well at least it isn't a scroll or a cave drawing.

And Jerry never did share those damn trains!

What I should do on my birthday today: take down the Christmas tree.

Pathetic, I know.

Red Hot Monogamous Hawk Lovin'!

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

I never was really sure what my blog was about but now I know: it's about birds. My post below was featured on Wonkette.com and DCBlogs.com and has generated some interesting emails.

There are a lot of bird experts out there. And some of you scare me. You know who you are.

One thing I have learned is that hawks are monogamous, mating with the same individual for many years. In other words, hawks are like my parents. A Red-tailed Hawk will only take a new mate when its original mate dies.

As noted in Wikipedia "During courtship, the male and female fly in wide circles while uttering shrill cries. The male performs aerial displays, diving steeply, then climbing again. After repeating this display several times, he approaches the female from above, and grasps her talons briefly with his own. Courtship flights last 10 minutes or more. Once the flight is completed, mating takes place. The male and female spiral to the ground, then land on a perch and preen each other. The female then tilts forward, allowing the male to mount her. Copulation lasts 5 to 10 seconds."

Yep, like my parents. Both times.

Happy Birthday to the sister of Herb of DC!

Photography Credit:
Nikographer: Jon McRay
Date: Winter 2006
Place: National Zoo
http://www.dcnature.com/

MAL Recovery! Men! Brunch!

This post has been updated for MAL 2008 here.


















The infamous Mid Atlantic Leather(MAL) weekend has come and gone. MAL is that special time of year when thousands of gay men and 11 women converge on Washington DC to visit museums, enjoy fine dining and stand in the coat check line at the Eagle.

All I can say is I am still very tired. Along with the pressure of all my birthday celebrations (mostly trying to remember how old I told people I was LAST year) there were parties to attend, slings to be slung, cigars to be smoked, visitors to be scowled at, a beer belly to be sucked in and a vendor mart to be shopped.


Of course most of this I didn't do since that would require me to leave my house during a particularly agoraphobic time of the year. However I was able to self medicate myself and make a few forays to the Washington Plaza after checking several times that my oven wasn't left on and wouldn't burn down the house. My major insight into MAL is that this event is the OCD Daddy of Leather events. This is a great party put on by the hard working Centaurs, fun with sexy men and porn stars, but safely predictable and similar to prior years in that my house did not burn down while I was there.

Those who attend MAL seem to fall into the the following groups:


The First Timers




The First Timers tend to be from small towns without leather bars or have that combo leather/cowboy/drag/lesbian bar that is ubiquitous in rural America. The First Timers buy the entire MAL "package" and spend their weekend enthusiastically being bused to leather brunches, attending lectures such as "Leather Symbolism in the L'Enfant Design of Washington DC" and "Incorporating S&M Into Your Project Runway Parties." The highlight of the trip to MAL includes going to the Tysons Galleria Mall in Virginia to the "Sew Your Own Leather Chaps" store.

First timers arrive at the DC Eagle at 9:00 pm, are drunk by 10:00 pm and passed out at the hotel by 11:00 pm. Due to their strict adherence to "the schedule" First Timers are rarely seen by anyone besides other First Timers, the bus driver and the waiters at Annies. The one exception to this is the person on the dance floor at the Reaction Dance who spilled his drink on you. That was a First Timer but fortunately he left hours before last call thus missing the arrival of your more sketchy local friends who might be confused and frightened at the specter of partyers using alcohol at a club.

First Timers are up early on Monday to make the long trip back home. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on leather they rarely wear it again except when riding in the back of a pickup truck covered with balloons in the local Gay Pride parade.

A few first timers return to become Fetish Veterans...


The Fetish Veterans




The Fetish Veterans spend their year planning for MAL or surgically recovering from it. They book their rooms for the next year at the the Washington Plaza as they check out. Fetish Veteran chat rooms vibrate with activity all year as they swap blueprints for newer and bigger sexual mousetraps.

Fetish Veterans arrive each year in trucks towing large U Haul trailers filled with sexual toys purchased at Home Depot, the Sports Authority, PetSmart, or medical equipment supply firms. Duct tape and World War II Surplus items also seem to be highly desired tools of the play. Fetish Veterans, like First Timers, are rarely seen during the weekend except by other Fetish Veterans, the waiters at Annies, and a few local emergency room doctors.


Fetish Veterans all request a late check-out, on Thursday. Or sometime in February.


The Sash Queens



The Sash Queens proudly wear the symbols of their triumphs from hotly contested manly beauty pageants around the world. They are seen by everyone and are seemingly everywhere. At least half of the men in Homo DC (9th St to 17th St) seem to be sashily dressed as the Gay Mayor Of the Lollipop Guild and all seem to be searching for the same ribbon cutting opening ceremony at Whole Foods or the Crew Club. All of these Leather celebrities in one spot: Mr. Eagle 2006, Mr. Leather Ramrod 2005, Mr World Top 2000, Ohio Leather Boi 1999, Mr. Rinse and Spit 2002, Ms. Continental Divide 1998, etc. Its like the Golden Globes in that you never really heard of the the winners until the envelope is opened but you pretend to be impressed with of his or her body of work and feel obligated to politely genuflect when in their sashed presence.

I am concerned that there does not seem to be a governing body like the FDA or a moral authority like Donald Trump to validate the actual provenance of these titles. Is it really possible that all of these folks are legitimate leather pageant winners?

Is this like the Special Olympics and everyone is a winner? I am very tempted to have a sash made with some generic title like "Mr Tri-State Leather 2003" since apparently Sash Queens only sleep with other Sash Queens. Or at least they don't sleep with me. Get me my Beadazzler! "Mr Leather OCD 2007" here I come!


The Locals

Many locals spend the weekend in smug self-congratulation on their choice of such a fun place to live. This pink cloud lasts for three days and then they return to complaining about DC, the rudeness of the men, housing prices, traffic and how much fun and attitude free DC men are when you run into them in cities such as NYC or Ft Lauderdale.

Most locals get the "package"a couple of times before realizing that they can save money by just sluttily hanging out in the lobby of the Washington Plaza and purchasing tickets to the one or two things they wish to attend such as the Reaction Dance or Blowoff.

At some point during the night, Plaza security prevents anyone from going upstairs without having a room key or being with someone with a room key. Locals know to find a suddenly highly desirable drunk First Timer and flirt with him enough to get upstairs. As soon as he passes out in his room clutching the remote control, you can roam around freely looking for Fetish Veteran parties, Sash swap meets, or Ice machine room orgies.

The greatest tragedy is when a local meets another local at the hotel. This may work out if one of the locals lives within a few blocks of the hotel. However, in that this is someone you will eventually meet in Ft Lauderdale, I would hold out for finding a drunk First Timer.

Happy Birthday? Me? With Leather!

Yes that is my baby picture. I hate it each year when some overly caffeinated power mad office party organizer solicits pictures for the dreaded "Guess the Co-Worker's Baby Picture Contest." I always win (or lose) since everyone immediately guesses mine. My co-workers pictures all seem to be in color and posed with Barney, various Teletubbies, Chuckie Cheese, or Starr Jones. I seem to to have the only baby picture originally drawn with charcoal on the wall of a cave somewhere in Southern Indiana.

So if baby pictures are appearing here, in the great blog tradition, it must be MY BIRTHDAY!

Once again it is Mid Atlantic Leather weekend (MAL) weekend here and the MLK holiday which is always conveniently close to MY BIRTHDAY. Normally I prefer that not much of a fuss be made over it. I'm one of those recovering Methodists who think elaborate birthday celebrations should end about the time you get your first set of car keys from Jesus. It's not that I fear getting older; you couldn't pay me enough to be in my 20s again. I just think that birthday parties (especially with presents) for adults are silly. Sorry. But please feel free to send me cash if you feel obligated.

Cards are fine, small dinners or lunches are great, and 2:00 am booty calls are awesome (call my cell before ringing my doorbell and if you don't remember the exact address ask the cab driver). Two good friends sent me this very creative and sweet rhyming letter this year explaining how with all the activities going on this weekend, they would like to prepare a home cooked meal of my choosing next weekend.

Perfect!

This is not to say that I'm not working the MY BIRTHDAY angle during MAL, endlessly sending out Instant Messages to strangers saying something subtle like "Hey hope you are having a good time at MAL. It is MY BIRTHDAY! What is your room number?"

I'll have to provide further updates on the success of the MY BIRTHDAY marketing campaign but right now I am tired. And I feel just a little bit old.

Happy Birthday to me! Thanks Herb Sr and Pug for doing "it" at least once. (I figure my older sister has got to be adopted by the way but that's an entry for another day).

MAL 2007

Apologies in Advance! Home Renovation Stories and Pictures to Follow!

I'm sorry, I don't want this to turn into one of those home renovation blogs. I'm not sure what the point of my blog is but "Gee How Awful it Is to Try to Renovate an Olde Wreck of House in a Now Trendy Neighborhood" is not the theme I am aiming for. Plus its hard to work in funny OCD stories about asking everyone in your group therapy session to raise their feet so you can precisely straighten the Oriental rug if your blog is limited to home renovation.

I usually lie when I tell people how long I have lived in my house. If I say five years (or less) they naturally sympathize and understand what a challenge it is to renovate a house in such a short period of time. And besides I have been so busy with my full time job at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit when not reading to inner city children or drinking at the Eagle.

The truth is I have been here over 10 years. Okay, maybe more. Inexcusable. The gray industrial carpet, the (death) spiral staircase to the 3rd floor and the tract lighting all scream "I Heart the 80s." The kitchen is so outdated you expect to see Alice pushing Mrs. Brady's head into the oven at any moment.

I have done some home improvement over the years but it has been limited to painting and the occasional eviction of a boyfriend.

So this year I decided to remodel my 2nd floor bathroom. Okay, I didn't do the work--but thanks to Case Design and Remodeling, Chevy Chase Glass, American Standard, Behr Paint, American Olean Tile, Lowes, Home Depot, Smoots Lumber, Nostalgic Warehouse Hardware, Valium, Skye Vodka, Painter Bear and most importantly, my E*Trade Home Equity Line of Credit, the job is now done.



It was a hassle while the work was being done and at one point I had three toilets (I'm great at buying but bad at returning) and one bathtub stored in my living room not to mention drywall, tile, a sink, several non-English speaking workers and somewhere in all of that, my bewildered pooches Lucy and Lizzie. However I can't say enough good things about the excellent job Case Design did in doing the remodeling. They were very professional and came in close to budget and on time.

The old bathroom was poorly laid out and had some unfortunate features, such as the shower that leaked into the dining room beneath it and the window that had rotted out letting in cold breezes in the winter. Despite the rather large size of the space (for DC) the tub, toilet, and sink were all crowded onto one wall, probably for some turn of the century ablution purposes I don't want to think about. There was also a stand alone shower unit on the opposite wall that blocked the view as you entered the bathroom that you had to squeeze by when entering the room.

I guess if I had the forethought to take "before" pictures this description would make a lot more sense. Oh well, take my word for it, it was a mess. I know me messes. I've been to WOOF a few times.

Choosing the design was not easy. I do not have the "design gene" and I spent hours at Home Expo in Fairfax staring at tile choices. It was rather like being at the DC Eagle on a crowded Saturday night, lots of attractive choices but none that you felt you could take home and live with for any length of time.

As part of my my contract with Case Design I was assigned a designer. Somehow I got assigned the only young straight male University of Georgia grad bathroom designer in DC. It was like having a slacker frat boy visit when we had design meetings. He was very helpful and responsive but at any moment I expected him to pull out the beer bong. "Dude, your sink faucet set has to match your shower faucet." (Who knew???)

We finally punted and decided on a classic black and white bathroom design. The remodeled bathroom retains its original foot print although I believe the space is more wisely used now.

Alas, it will never be featured on the Logan Circle house tour. No Italian marble, the only steam shower occurs if you run the hot water for a long time and there is definitely no chandelier hanging over the non-existent soaking tub containing the frolicking muscle cubs of my dreams. Just a simple retro look--roomy and perhaps somewhat cold. A reflection of my personality, who knows? Or maybe I am just cheap. Oh and definitely no (visible) beer bongs.

The first picture below is the view of the shower/tub unit from the doorway. I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. Between my lack of digital camera skills and the steel gray/blue paint job, the pictures have an odd color cast to them. There may also be some resolution issues but I can't find my glasses tonight.




The sink/dressing area. This is where the stand alone shower once stood. The sink is 36 inches tall, definitely Herb-sized.











The fun thing about working with old houses is you end up with some unusual quirks. Yes I could probably gut my 1900 town house and make it look like a sleek 14th St "loft" with concrete floors with 15 layers of hand applied stain, bamboo counters and titanium cabinets and I would become popular and develop abs and drink at Halo nightly and be featured in Metro Weekly and have people write nice things about me on Craig's List as the ONLY man in town over 40 who can buy his clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch. Blech! Or I could hang myself.

Notice in the picture below the box-like thingy in the ceiling. At one point the sink was in that corner and there was about a foot wide bump out from the wall to conceal the pipes to the third floor master bath. After a little bit of work (thanks Case Design) we reclaimed most of this space except for about a foot of space in the ceiling. So I have a strange box like architectural folly in my ceiling. I love it! Next year at Christmas I am totally going to wrap it.






The bathroom still isn't quite finished. I would like to hang a nice black and white photo on the wall over the toilet. Something like from this guy http://www.winterbottom.com/

It's almost my birthday...so come on. Someone help a poor guy out!

Martin Luther King, Broccoli, and Me

Once again it is almost my birthday--a significant one this year that I come close to sharing with Dr. King. It often falls on the Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) weekend here in DC which gives me endless opportunities to hit up leather clad strangers for free drinks.

This year has been unseasonably warm and I have broccoli ready for harvest in my Logan Circle front yard. So for my significant birthday this year I will have 13th ST free range organic, crack-free broccoli, high in vitamin C and soluble fiber. Thank you global warming for providing me for free compound glucoraphanin which leads to an anticancer compound sulforaphane. I guess at my age--I need it!