Election Night November 4, 2008 9:00 PM 14th and U
Anticipation
After 11:00 PM
JOY!
Photos by Royomar
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
40 Years and 7 Months Later: 9:00 PM Election Night 2008 14th and U
The Washington D.C. Riots of 1968 started April 4, 1968 at 14th and U NW at approximately 9:00 PM.
Election Night November 4, 2008 9:00 PM 14th and U
Anticipation
After 11:00 PM
JOY!
Photos by Royomar
Election Night November 4, 2008 9:00 PM 14th and U
Anticipation
After 11:00 PM
JOY!
Photos by Royomar
Okay So You Stood in Line for Eight Hours to Vote Today! Now Shut Up and Get Back to Work!
The one-upmanship has already begun at work on who endured the greatest hardship today attempting to vote.
“I had to wait for TWO hours in Dupont and then the machines broke down and I had to vote using a paper ballot. PAPER! It was like I was in a Third World country or Florida or something.”
“In Ashburn the line stretched all the way to Sterling. And it was snowing! Unlike when giving blood you don’t get a cookie and orange juice afterwards, who knew? Fortunately I had brought some Necco wafers to share.”
“I stood in six inches of raw sewage in Rossyln for three hours surrounded by a Barber Shop quartet but I voted!”
“Pink Crocs are banned at polling places in Virginia so I voted barefoot despite the broken glass and rusty nails strewn about. Oh and there were clouds of angry killer bees.”
“A roving gang of Elisabeth Hasselbeck impersonators in Bethesda saw my Obama button and tried to block my entrance to the polling place but I kicked their skinny a**es all the way from here to Starbucks.”
“Hungry, hungry pythons were crawling across the floor at my polling place in Arlington but I found that offering up Grandma (who was going to vote for Sad Grandpa anyway) was enough to distract them so I could vote. I feel better knowing she was delicious right to the end.”
Okay, people I get it. You made sacrifices to vote. It isn’t supposed to be easy. Democracy isn’t pretty. So shut up now and get back to work.
“I had to wait for TWO hours in Dupont and then the machines broke down and I had to vote using a paper ballot. PAPER! It was like I was in a Third World country or Florida or something.”
“In Ashburn the line stretched all the way to Sterling. And it was snowing! Unlike when giving blood you don’t get a cookie and orange juice afterwards, who knew? Fortunately I had brought some Necco wafers to share.”
“I stood in six inches of raw sewage in Rossyln for three hours surrounded by a Barber Shop quartet but I voted!”
“Pink Crocs are banned at polling places in Virginia so I voted barefoot despite the broken glass and rusty nails strewn about. Oh and there were clouds of angry killer bees.”
“A roving gang of Elisabeth Hasselbeck impersonators in Bethesda saw my Obama button and tried to block my entrance to the polling place but I kicked their skinny a**es all the way from here to Starbucks.”
“Hungry, hungry pythons were crawling across the floor at my polling place in Arlington but I found that offering up Grandma (who was going to vote for Sad Grandpa anyway) was enough to distract them so I could vote. I feel better knowing she was delicious right to the end.”
Okay, people I get it. You made sacrifices to vote. It isn’t supposed to be easy. Democracy isn’t pretty. So shut up now and get back to work.
Monday, November 3, 2008
FINALLY! THIS CAMPAIGN IS ALMOST OVER!!!
This election campaign has lasted almost as long as my promises to start working out again "soon!"
Don't forget to vote and if things work out right for your candidate, you may be making desperate pleas to snag tickets to one of the Inaugural Balls.
My endorsements?
Not McCain. I liked the old McCain, the Maverick. I'm not sure where this Sad Angry Grandpa came from. Plus he still needs to explain to me why he is collecting Social Security along with his other pensions and his Senate salary. Country First? Rich wife?
Local:
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
NOT MICHAEL "ROBOCALL" BROWN!
Maybe not Carol "I'm Only Going to Robocall You Once" Schwartz also. Carol, it was cute having your adult daughters call us tonight but it is still a second Robocall for YOU! I may be in a more forgiving mood tomorrow when the predicted rain will remind me of the remarkable durability, height and consistency of your hairdo over the years.
Sarah Palin? What Magic Comedy Fairy dropped you into our midst. I LOVE YOU! I disagree with most of your politics but come on folks, can't we let her live in the VP mansion anyway? "Plugs" Biden can ride his beloved Amtrak to work every day and be the "real" VP. Think how fun it would be to have the Palins baggin' their own groceries at Shoppers Food Warehouse or snow machinin' down Massachusetts Avenue. Huntin'? What about all those deer in Rock Creek Park?
November 4! It is here! Do your civic duty folks!
This Could Be You: Herb of DC at the 1993 Clinton Inaugural Ball
I learned the hard way that the extra large wrist corsage was a big no-no at crowded Inaugural Balls. Hers was oversize also.
Clinton plays the saxophone while some lady in the crowd fingers him.
Be sure to eat before you go...
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Annual Employee Halloween Party: A Whale of a Good Time?
The email I dread receiving each October:
"There will be a Halloween party hosted by the Employee Engagement Task Force in the atrium of the Headquarters building on October 31 from 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Prizes will be awarded to the best Halloween costumes. Refreshments will include cider and doughnuts."
The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit is deservedly well known and respected for its very serious and important mission, but the ability to throw a rockin' party is not part of its Official Charter or corporate culture.
The annual Halloween party is usually a yawn inducing affair. Since the organization is officially politically neutral, you won't see a pander of Palins or a babel of Bidens. You will never see a bill of Baracks or a maverick of McCains marching back to crack with Joe the Plumber.
Sexy Nurses? Not here? More like Nurses Thankful for Comfortable Shoes. Towering fabulous drag queens dressed as the Venerated Big Humanitarian Foundress? Are you kidding me? No hottie firewomen, booty shaking pirate's wenches, saucy Girl Scouts, UPS deliverymen with large Humanitarian Non-Restrictive Endowments or half-naked leather clad buff Warren Buffetts, either.
In other words there is not a single costume allowed that I would want to wear.
At best the predictable costumes seen are what you would find at a tasteful and expensive plus-sized Day Care Center. Impossibly large Kandy Korn People, along with puffy jaded Lady Bugs and what must be refugees from the Jenny Craig Pumpkin Patch stand around and knock back some apple cider while discussing Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Challenges. Pre-hypertensive Bunches of Grapes, bored looking Disney characters with swollen ankles and for whatever reason this year a large number of jumbo Cleaning Products slowly trudge back and forth across the atrium in a vain search for a doughnut not covered in orange and black sprinkles.
I was standing with my back to the Security Guard Station eavesdropping on a leaning Statue of Liberty and a droopy Tweety Bird discussing fund raising opportunities through the use of Social Media when I suddenly heard loud scurrying noises behind me.
An eight foot tall light blue whale, with a jaunty sailors cap emblazoned with the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit's symbol was about to make an entrance flanked by what could be best described as, sexy Humanitarian Dolphins!
Someone didn't get the memo!
One by one the sexy Humanitarian Dolphins swam through the Security Gate each carefully swiping her ID card before entering the atrium. The crowd began to move closer to the Guard Station eager to greet the great light blue Whale and his escorts that were going to save the party from its annual dullness.
Due to his Non-Profit girth the Whale had to slowly slide through the Security Gates sideways.
BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
Undaunted by setting off the alarm the Whale entered the atrium to much excitement and applause. The sexy Humanitarian Dolphins protectively circled him as they began to take a lap around the atrium.
"Sir,SIR" the Security guard yelled, "You must swipe your card."
Not getting a response, the guard turned to me, the closest Big Humanitarian Non-Profit official (read: I wasn't in costume and look old) and said "You need to tell the Whale to bring me his ID or I will have him thrown out."
Choking back the temptation to ask the guard how he knew the Whale was a male since I saw no Whale sized genitalia I meekly complied.
Fortunately I quickly discovered by asking one of the slower swimming Dolphins that one of the other sexy Humanitarian Dolphins was carrying his ID in her pouch (do all Dolphins have pouches or just the sexy ones?). I was able to satisfy security requirements and no embarrassing Whale evictions were needed!
I rock!
I saved the Whale!
On Halloween!
Now what do we need to do to get the Whale to return for the the annual Holiday Party?
"There will be a Halloween party hosted by the Employee Engagement Task Force in the atrium of the Headquarters building on October 31 from 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Prizes will be awarded to the best Halloween costumes. Refreshments will include cider and doughnuts."
The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit is deservedly well known and respected for its very serious and important mission, but the ability to throw a rockin' party is not part of its Official Charter or corporate culture.
The annual Halloween party is usually a yawn inducing affair. Since the organization is officially politically neutral, you won't see a pander of Palins or a babel of Bidens. You will never see a bill of Baracks or a maverick of McCains marching back to crack with Joe the Plumber.
Sexy Nurses? Not here? More like Nurses Thankful for Comfortable Shoes. Towering fabulous drag queens dressed as the Venerated Big Humanitarian Foundress? Are you kidding me? No hottie firewomen, booty shaking pirate's wenches, saucy Girl Scouts, UPS deliverymen with large Humanitarian Non-Restrictive Endowments or half-naked leather clad buff Warren Buffetts, either.
In other words there is not a single costume allowed that I would want to wear.
At best the predictable costumes seen are what you would find at a tasteful and expensive plus-sized Day Care Center. Impossibly large Kandy Korn People, along with puffy jaded Lady Bugs and what must be refugees from the Jenny Craig Pumpkin Patch stand around and knock back some apple cider while discussing Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Challenges. Pre-hypertensive Bunches of Grapes, bored looking Disney characters with swollen ankles and for whatever reason this year a large number of jumbo Cleaning Products slowly trudge back and forth across the atrium in a vain search for a doughnut not covered in orange and black sprinkles.
I was standing with my back to the Security Guard Station eavesdropping on a leaning Statue of Liberty and a droopy Tweety Bird discussing fund raising opportunities through the use of Social Media when I suddenly heard loud scurrying noises behind me.
An eight foot tall light blue whale, with a jaunty sailors cap emblazoned with the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit's symbol was about to make an entrance flanked by what could be best described as, sexy Humanitarian Dolphins!
Someone didn't get the memo!
One by one the sexy Humanitarian Dolphins swam through the Security Gate each carefully swiping her ID card before entering the atrium. The crowd began to move closer to the Guard Station eager to greet the great light blue Whale and his escorts that were going to save the party from its annual dullness.
Due to his Non-Profit girth the Whale had to slowly slide through the Security Gates sideways.
BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
Undaunted by setting off the alarm the Whale entered the atrium to much excitement and applause. The sexy Humanitarian Dolphins protectively circled him as they began to take a lap around the atrium.
"Sir,SIR" the Security guard yelled, "You must swipe your card."
Not getting a response, the guard turned to me, the closest Big Humanitarian Non-Profit official (read: I wasn't in costume and look old) and said "You need to tell the Whale to bring me his ID or I will have him thrown out."
Choking back the temptation to ask the guard how he knew the Whale was a male since I saw no Whale sized genitalia I meekly complied.
Fortunately I quickly discovered by asking one of the slower swimming Dolphins that one of the other sexy Humanitarian Dolphins was carrying his ID in her pouch (do all Dolphins have pouches or just the sexy ones?). I was able to satisfy security requirements and no embarrassing Whale evictions were needed!
I rock!
I saved the Whale!
On Halloween!
Now what do we need to do to get the Whale to return for the the annual Holiday Party?
McCain and Palin on QVC and Don't Call me Herbie!
On SNL last night John McCain and Tina Fey's Sarah Palin hawked their message on QVC and at the end were joined by Cindy McCain to sell fine gold.
FEINGOLD!
HA!
Will Sarah Palin become Ms. Fey's Fonzie? I have to admit when I was watching "30 Rock" this week I kept waiting for her to do Palin. I understand how career limiting playing a breakout character can be; sometimes when I am visiting Indiana I will run into old friends who only want to rehash my groundbreaking interpretation as the Scarecrow in the Western Heights grade school production of the "The Wizard of Oz." Who knew I would be the first (and perhaps last) to play the role as a very fashionable and sarcastic Scarecrow?
People back there also still insist on calling me "Herbie" but that is a very painful and heartbreaking future post.
FEINGOLD!
HA!
Will Sarah Palin become Ms. Fey's Fonzie? I have to admit when I was watching "30 Rock" this week I kept waiting for her to do Palin. I understand how career limiting playing a breakout character can be; sometimes when I am visiting Indiana I will run into old friends who only want to rehash my groundbreaking interpretation as the Scarecrow in the Western Heights grade school production of the "The Wizard of Oz." Who knew I would be the first (and perhaps last) to play the role as a very fashionable and sarcastic Scarecrow?
People back there also still insist on calling me "Herbie" but that is a very painful and heartbreaking future post.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
On the Second Day of Halloween...
Nov 1
13th St NW Washington, DC
I'm sitting down to eat and the doorbell rings. Opening the door I see two unfamiliar young girls dressed neatly in jeans and sweatshirts.
"Do you have any Halloween candy left?"
"No" I said rather stunned.
"Okay" they mumbled and started down the sidewalk. No apology for disturbing my dinner. No explanation why they were a day late and a costume short.
Finally realizing that DC uncostumed candyscams had reached new heights in chutzpah I yelled "And I won't have any tomorrow night either!"
This post originally appeared in November 2007.
Leslie Kritzer's "Americans on the 2008 Election"
The brilliant actress, singer, writer and filmmaker Leslie Kritzer imitates celebrities ranging from Rachel Zoe to Liza Minnelli to Riff-Tina in this short video. What you don't know Riff-Tina? Where have you been?
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