"I'M GOING TO THE FEMALE SUPER BOWL" (MISS TEXAS 2007)

My Pointless Live Blogging of the Totally Irrelevant Miss America Pageant from Las Vegas Nevada!!!!

So I am channel surfing tonight and I stumble cross the once iconic Miss America Pageant on CMT (CMT as in Country Music Television I think). Remember when this was an annual event the entire family gathered around and watched together? Remember how each member of the family would fill out paper ballots and vote for their favorites using the same weighted point scoring system as used by the judges for evening gown, talent, swimsuit and interview competitions? Remember how you got the final 5 correct almost every year except when that poor Carolyn Sapp (Miss Hawaii) won in 1992? Remember when this all still mattered?

Please do not confuse the Miss America SCHOLARSHIP competition with that booze soaked, skank fest Miss USA pageant. The Miss America program exists to "provide personal and professional opportunities for young women to promote their voices in culture, politics and the community." The Miss USA pageant exists to provide future wives for Donald Trump or clients for the Betty Ford Clinic.

This is a scholarship competition dammit. The Miss America pageant is the "largest provider of scholarships to young women in the world and made available $45 million in 2006." So take that Bill and Melinda Gates and your stinkin' multi-billion dollar Foundation--maybe if you made those poor countries dress up in bathing suits and tap dance for their medicines people would give a rat's ass!

8:10 pm As I join the the broadcast the "Parade of States" or whatever they call it now had already started. Dimpled Mario Lopez is the host. In the past each contestant would dress in a costume representing her state which often generated a spate across Dixie of slutty Scarlett O'Haras and the occasional unfortunate naughty Eskimo from Alaska. Now they are dressed as though they are going to a sexy cocktail party or Bill Clinton's funeral. They are already well into the "M" states ("Miss Montana") so I miss most of the perennial Miss America powers from the big haired Southern states and all those earnest girls from "I" states with no chance in hell of winning.

8:16 Mario announces the final 10.

Miss Georgia (Big haired brunette)

Miss Pennsylvania (Big haired brunette from Beaver, PA, get it?)

Miss Mississippi (Big haired brunette and said something about an uncle with Downs syndrome-not sure if this was her platform issue or she was playing to the crowd considering this is "LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS!")

Miss Oklahoma (Big haired blond and said something about the diverse state of Oklahoma although the 100% of the crowd screaming for her appeared 100% white. Maybe by "diverse" she meant blonds versus brunettes)

Miss Texas (Big haired brunette, first "African American Miss Texas" and yes she really did say "I'm going to the Female Super Bowl." Camera pans to her mother, "Starr Jones" who apparently has kicked off her Payless shoes long enough to jump up and down and jiggle with excitement.

Miss Alabama (Uh, oh... all the coastal Southern states are getting in, maybe this is some odd "faith based" initiative of the Bush administration to provide Federal relief to big haired victims of Katrina and other hurricanes of 2005.)

Miss Utah (Big Mormon hair)

Miss Hawaii (Big Hawaiian hair with a flower in it in case we forgot where she is from. Her talent per the website is "Tahitian" which I'm not sure how being from another country is a "talent" and how you could become Miss America if you aren't, well American? )

Miss Washington (Big haired blond)

Miss California (Big haired blond)

In that Miss Louisiana was totally ignored, this proves my Katrina theory that only gulf states receiving hurricane disaster relief aid from the Federal government made the finals.

The Judges

Chris "I'm Straight" Matthews (High volume host of MSNBCs "Hardball".
Chris was there to make idiotic straight guy comments like "To appear in your bathing suit takes guts. And guys like guts. And guys like girls in bathing suits." )

Michael Feinstein (pianist/singer/cosmetic surgery aficianado and possibly Miss America 1965)

Debbie Allen (the Allen sister who says "GUrrrl" a lot. Not the one who is the permanent Mrs Bill Cosby on TV)

Susan Powell (Infomercial hostess and Miss America 1981)

Cliche Caustic British Guy (Some judge from "America's Next Top Model")

Swimsuit Competition

8:37 pm I lean close to the screen to look for evidence of cellulite or signs of recent cosmetic surgery but apparently this is displayed best with HDTV or when the show is on a real network like NBC. I think they are all wearing stripper tights that my friend Bob once tried to explain to me but I failed to comprehend the concept or understand how he was so disturbingly knowledgeable of this topic.

All wore tiny bikinis except Miss Utah. She wore a one piece with scarf tied jauntily around her waist as though she was embarking on a Carnival cruise to Cancun. Maybe this was due to Mormon modesty? Either that or she was having a poorly timed visit from her "monthly friend."

Evening Gowns

8:50 pm These all looked about the same--kinda sparkly and regal yet sexy; something a drag queen would wear to a State Dinner at the White House during the Reagan administration.

Miss Pennsylvania's gown had a slit cut up so high in her dress that at certain camera angles, you could see both London and France. Both Miss Alabama and Mississippi had donated one sleeve of their gowns to Katrina relief organizations.

Miss Hawaii was greeted by total stunned silence from the audience since she had removed the flower from her hair and was thus unrecognizable and perhaps "Tahitian".

Miss Washington, bless her heart, was a bit confused and wore her talent competition costume for an authentic Flamenco dance number.

The remaining contestants looked nice and might have been wearing the same gown.

Miss Congeniality

8:58 pm The finalists were the Misses Alabama, South Carolina and one of the Dakotas. Somehow the audience at home also voted for this although the mechanics and logic of that escaped me. The winner was Miss Alabama who since she is already in the final 10 probably eliminates any remaining chances of actually winning.

The Final Five

9:01 pm The Katrina Quadruplets (Misses Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and Texas) and Miss Oklahoma (a major Katrina evacuee relocation state by the way) all make it. I first learn that Miss Texas's first name is Shilah thus eliminating her chance at winning.

Talent

9:16 pm Misses Texas, Oklahoma and Alabama all sing songs I had never heard before or will ever again about not giving up, reaching for your goals, the miracles of modern contraceptives, etc. One sings this in Italian (or maybe Tahitian). Miss Oklahoma is eerily joined by a chorus of unseen back-up singers or perhaps this was the offstage "congenial" Miss Alabama assisting.

Miss Georgia performed the world's slowest tap dance or perhaps she was miming someone tap dancing. Miss Mississippi played the piano while wearing this huge red ball gown that later revealed Chris "I'm Straight" Matthews, the increasingly "congenial" Miss Alabama and a family of Katrina evacuees hiding beneath it.

Judges Interviews

For the first time ever, excerpts from the all important judging interviews were played throughout the show. Highlights include:

Chris Matthews braying "Why did Faulkner hate to use commas?" to some poor dear caught in the headlights contestant. Either that or he yelled "Why did Faulkner hate to use condoms? In either case America was spared from hearing the answer.

Miss Georgia after being asked who in the world is the most powerful woman, said "Oprah. Despite all the slack they are giving her about that school in Africa and the slack she is getting for disliking rap music she does such good work. "

Now the natural followup question would be, "Honey don't you mean flack instead of slack?"

Instead Chris "I'm Straight" Matthews asked, "Are those real?" No seriously he asked "Well how come she doesn't have a boyfriend."

Miss Georgia "She does have a boyfriend, Steadman."
Chris "Is she still with him?"
Miss Georgia "Duh!"

Okay I made up the "Duh" but the above exchange did take place.

Miss Oklahoma when asked one thing she could change about herself, she said "I would like to grow three inches " thus endearing herself to every gay man who has ever posted a profile on ManHunt.

The Final Three

9:38 pm Miss Georgia, Miss Oklahoma and Miss Texas

When Miss Texas's name was announced, the cameras once again panned the crowd showing "Starr Jones" jumping up and down. Either Miss Texas was the only contestant whose mother was in the audience or the producers took the gamble that the only black woman in the audience was somehow related to her.

The Important Final Question:

9:42 pm

Miss Georgia

Debbie "I'm Not Mrs. Cosby" Allen "If you became president what would be the first thing you would do?"

Miss Georgia "The first thing I would do is invite Miss America to dinner (well rehearsed pause for laughter)... We would discuss eduction and the "No Child Left Behind" program and ... (the rest was said so fast I really couldn't follow it but it had something to do with her controversial platform of providing education for children.)

Miss Oklahoma

Susan Powell "Despite all the progress women have made, women still make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. As Miss America, how would you change that?"

Miss Oklahoma "As Miss America I would be the best role model possible, and by being a good role model people would see that Miss America is a good role model for all women in America. "

Susan Powell: "WTF?"

Miss Texas

Chris Matthews: "Do you have confidence in America and if so why?"

Miss Texas: "I have confidence in America because education is available to every child and I had to pull myself up my my bootstraps and education is available for all and an entitlement to every American child.

Chris Matthews: "Are those real?"

The Winner

9:55 pm

2nd Runnerup: Miss Georgia

1st Runner up: Miss Texas

Winner: Miss Oklahoma

Another Lazy Weekend

My (Now Irrelevant) AIM Conversation with Pastor Davies!

I was on AIM tonight and noticed that our favorite Bear for Jesus, Pastor Davies , whose brilliant performance art has been debated on Joe.My.God and other blogs this week, was online. Despite my adamant declaration that his 15 minutes of fame was over I decided to give him five more minutes for my ones of readers, especially since he has been remarkably quiet today. I tried to glean some additonal information from him but obviously I'm not a very good detective or he is just like most other guys on AOL and I am not cute enough to be bothered with.

Update: It appears his secret identity as been discovered by a JMG reader and he is actor Joey Oglesby. Good show Joey!!! Thanks for the fun this week!

TallGuyDC06 [6:18 PM]: hey how are you?

PastorDavies [6:18 PM]: Saddened

TallGuyDC06 [6:19 PM]: why? your videos are awesome!

PastorDavies [6:19 PM]: They've destroyed our MySpace profile. But we made the video available on our homepage. You can download the HD version there. Help spread the word, thank you so much.

TallGuyDC06 [6:19 PM]: any more coming out?

PastorDavies [6:19 PM]: Yes

PastorDavies [6:20 PM]: the CHOPS program is almost finished.

TallGuyDC06 [6:20 PM]: is there a paypal account where people can donate to your work?

PastorDavies [6:20 PM]: We're looking into charities that we'd rather you donate to.

TallGuyDC06 [6:21 PM]: oh thats a good idea

TallGuyDC06 [6:21 PM]: what does the S in CHOPS stand for?

TallGuyDC06 [6:23 PM]: If I know someone who could use the CHOPs program, do I send you his information to enroll? How does someone sign up?

TallGuyDC06 [6:23 PM]: (PastorDavies is currently not signed on)

On Such a Winter's Day (with Bathtub Dancers)

In honor of our first DC snow and to memorialize the passing of Denny Doherty, (the cuter, bear cub guy in the group) I decided to post from YouTube a clip of the 60s group "Mamas and Papas" singing the beautiful 'California Dreaming'.

Take 3 minutes to view this video people! You are not that busy at work! It is worth the time just to catch the "bathtub" dancers pop up and start rocking out. This dancing totally explains the Vietnam war and Watergate and the need for later generations to develop certain "party favors." Geez, give these girls (now grandmothers or dead) a bump or something.

Porn Stars and I Are for the Environment!

Like you, most porn stars and other ordinary Americans, I attended a house party and watched Al Gore's scary documentary "Inconvenient Truth."


Okay, that's a lie since I prefer not to leave my house unless its the type of party where there is really good food or one where the host is known for not doing a good job hiding the good liquor, pharmaceuticals, or past tax returns.


And really I am just including porn stars here since apparently visitors to blogs do not linger unless you have pictures of porn stars or are gossiping about other bloggers. Or at least that seems to be the case for the ones of speed readers of my blog.


But I did watch Gore give his PowerPoint presentation on Oprah one day and it scared the beejeebus out of me.


One of the 10 things he suggested you do is replace your light bulbs with those spiral light bulb thingys. This will eliminate 150 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions each year. I'm not sure how it does that but if it was said on OPRAH, you know its true.

These light bulbs last 9 years and per the package, will save me $184 over 9 years. Based upon the inflation rate and my natural acumen for investments, this means I will lose about $5000 per bulb but each bulb will eliminate 150 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions each year! Oprah and Al said so!


My problem is, well how can I say this, these bulbs are fugly. I mean in a lamp they are okay, they are hidden by the shade unless you host parties where guests get drunk and put lampshades on their heads. However, I put some in the overhead recessed lighting and they just look really awful. Someone needs to invent a recessed lighting cover to hide these things. You can count me in for 50% of the royalties since it is my idea.


The light bulbs also put out a harsh white light. Really harsh. If Wal-Mart had a discount operating room, it would be bathed in this light. This morning when I looked at myself in the mirror my skin looked sallow, I had crow's feet, my eyes appeared bloodshot, I looked over 40 and the odd shadows it cast gave me the appearance of a pot belly.

On the positive side I am eliminating 150 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions per year per bulb. Oprah and Al said so. Oh and so did that porn star!

I feel good about this. Really.

MAL Recovery! Men! Brunch!

This post has been updated for MAL 2008 here.


















The infamous Mid Atlantic Leather(MAL) weekend has come and gone. MAL is that special time of year when thousands of gay men and 11 women converge on Washington DC to visit museums, enjoy fine dining and stand in the coat check line at the Eagle.

All I can say is I am still very tired. Along with the pressure of all my birthday celebrations (mostly trying to remember how old I told people I was LAST year) there were parties to attend, slings to be slung, cigars to be smoked, visitors to be scowled at, a beer belly to be sucked in and a vendor mart to be shopped.


Of course most of this I didn't do since that would require me to leave my house during a particularly agoraphobic time of the year. However I was able to self medicate myself and make a few forays to the Washington Plaza after checking several times that my oven wasn't left on and wouldn't burn down the house. My major insight into MAL is that this event is the OCD Daddy of Leather events. This is a great party put on by the hard working Centaurs, fun with sexy men and porn stars, but safely predictable and similar to prior years in that my house did not burn down while I was there.

Those who attend MAL seem to fall into the the following groups:


The First Timers




The First Timers tend to be from small towns without leather bars or have that combo leather/cowboy/drag/lesbian bar that is ubiquitous in rural America. The First Timers buy the entire MAL "package" and spend their weekend enthusiastically being bused to leather brunches, attending lectures such as "Leather Symbolism in the L'Enfant Design of Washington DC" and "Incorporating S&M Into Your Project Runway Parties." The highlight of the trip to MAL includes going to the Tysons Galleria Mall in Virginia to the "Sew Your Own Leather Chaps" store.

First timers arrive at the DC Eagle at 9:00 pm, are drunk by 10:00 pm and passed out at the hotel by 11:00 pm. Due to their strict adherence to "the schedule" First Timers are rarely seen by anyone besides other First Timers, the bus driver and the waiters at Annies. The one exception to this is the person on the dance floor at the Reaction Dance who spilled his drink on you. That was a First Timer but fortunately he left hours before last call thus missing the arrival of your more sketchy local friends who might be confused and frightened at the specter of partyers using alcohol at a club.

First Timers are up early on Monday to make the long trip back home. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on leather they rarely wear it again except when riding in the back of a pickup truck covered with balloons in the local Gay Pride parade.

A few first timers return to become Fetish Veterans...


The Fetish Veterans




The Fetish Veterans spend their year planning for MAL or surgically recovering from it. They book their rooms for the next year at the the Washington Plaza as they check out. Fetish Veteran chat rooms vibrate with activity all year as they swap blueprints for newer and bigger sexual mousetraps.

Fetish Veterans arrive each year in trucks towing large U Haul trailers filled with sexual toys purchased at Home Depot, the Sports Authority, PetSmart, or medical equipment supply firms. Duct tape and World War II Surplus items also seem to be highly desired tools of the play. Fetish Veterans, like First Timers, are rarely seen during the weekend except by other Fetish Veterans, the waiters at Annies, and a few local emergency room doctors.


Fetish Veterans all request a late check-out, on Thursday. Or sometime in February.


The Sash Queens



The Sash Queens proudly wear the symbols of their triumphs from hotly contested manly beauty pageants around the world. They are seen by everyone and are seemingly everywhere. At least half of the men in Homo DC (9th St to 17th St) seem to be sashily dressed as the Gay Mayor Of the Lollipop Guild and all seem to be searching for the same ribbon cutting opening ceremony at Whole Foods or the Crew Club. All of these Leather celebrities in one spot: Mr. Eagle 2006, Mr. Leather Ramrod 2005, Mr World Top 2000, Ohio Leather Boi 1999, Mr. Rinse and Spit 2002, Ms. Continental Divide 1998, etc. Its like the Golden Globes in that you never really heard of the the winners until the envelope is opened but you pretend to be impressed with of his or her body of work and feel obligated to politely genuflect when in their sashed presence.

I am concerned that there does not seem to be a governing body like the FDA or a moral authority like Donald Trump to validate the actual provenance of these titles. Is it really possible that all of these folks are legitimate leather pageant winners?

Is this like the Special Olympics and everyone is a winner? I am very tempted to have a sash made with some generic title like "Mr Tri-State Leather 2003" since apparently Sash Queens only sleep with other Sash Queens. Or at least they don't sleep with me. Get me my Beadazzler! "Mr Leather OCD 2007" here I come!


The Locals

Many locals spend the weekend in smug self-congratulation on their choice of such a fun place to live. This pink cloud lasts for three days and then they return to complaining about DC, the rudeness of the men, housing prices, traffic and how much fun and attitude free DC men are when you run into them in cities such as NYC or Ft Lauderdale.

Most locals get the "package"a couple of times before realizing that they can save money by just sluttily hanging out in the lobby of the Washington Plaza and purchasing tickets to the one or two things they wish to attend such as the Reaction Dance or Blowoff.

At some point during the night, Plaza security prevents anyone from going upstairs without having a room key or being with someone with a room key. Locals know to find a suddenly highly desirable drunk First Timer and flirt with him enough to get upstairs. As soon as he passes out in his room clutching the remote control, you can roam around freely looking for Fetish Veteran parties, Sash swap meets, or Ice machine room orgies.

The greatest tragedy is when a local meets another local at the hotel. This may work out if one of the locals lives within a few blocks of the hotel. However, in that this is someone you will eventually meet in Ft Lauderdale, I would hold out for finding a drunk First Timer.

Happy Birthday? Me? With Leather!

Yes that is my baby picture. I hate it each year when some overly caffeinated power mad office party organizer solicits pictures for the dreaded "Guess the Co-Worker's Baby Picture Contest." I always win (or lose) since everyone immediately guesses mine. My co-workers pictures all seem to be in color and posed with Barney, various Teletubbies, Chuckie Cheese, or Starr Jones. I seem to to have the only baby picture originally drawn with charcoal on the wall of a cave somewhere in Southern Indiana.

So if baby pictures are appearing here, in the great blog tradition, it must be MY BIRTHDAY!

Once again it is Mid Atlantic Leather weekend (MAL) weekend here and the MLK holiday which is always conveniently close to MY BIRTHDAY. Normally I prefer that not much of a fuss be made over it. I'm one of those recovering Methodists who think elaborate birthday celebrations should end about the time you get your first set of car keys from Jesus. It's not that I fear getting older; you couldn't pay me enough to be in my 20s again. I just think that birthday parties (especially with presents) for adults are silly. Sorry. But please feel free to send me cash if you feel obligated.

Cards are fine, small dinners or lunches are great, and 2:00 am booty calls are awesome (call my cell before ringing my doorbell and if you don't remember the exact address ask the cab driver). Two good friends sent me this very creative and sweet rhyming letter this year explaining how with all the activities going on this weekend, they would like to prepare a home cooked meal of my choosing next weekend.

Perfect!

This is not to say that I'm not working the MY BIRTHDAY angle during MAL, endlessly sending out Instant Messages to strangers saying something subtle like "Hey hope you are having a good time at MAL. It is MY BIRTHDAY! What is your room number?"

I'll have to provide further updates on the success of the MY BIRTHDAY marketing campaign but right now I am tired. And I feel just a little bit old.

Happy Birthday to me! Thanks Herb Sr and Pug for doing "it" at least once. (I figure my older sister has got to be adopted by the way but that's an entry for another day).

MAL 2007