My Exotic, Erotic Blue Ribbon Entry for the DC State Fair!

I didn’t plan on growing the largest okra pod on 13th St—I originally bought my “Little Lucy” okra plant at the 14th and U Farmers Market solely for its burgundy foliage that I thought would look good in my Herbal Petting Garden that runs along my fence bordering 13th St.

I enjoyed the fantasy though of using "Little Lucy" along with the Herbs in my sidewalk garden as an educational tool and I pictured myself the new local ambassador of the Slow Food movement. Standing on the sidewalk in my overalls and simple battered hemp hat I would teach local children the life-enhancing benefits of food that is good, clean and fair. I would be the green Mr. Green Jeans, a crunchy Maria Von Trapp in simple gardening clogs and the vegan Mary Poppins all rolled into one.

How hard could it be to stop the little tykes strolling towards Taco Bell to take a few minutes to learn to appreciate how local organic farming preserves cultural cuisines and the associated plants, seeds, and domestic animals within an ecoregion? Afterwards we would sing a few rounds of “Old McDonald Had a Farm” and then retire to the kitchen for some pickling and vigorous butter churning.

The reality is that it is really hot standing on the sidewalk in the summer and the only food decisions the local children seem to care about involve supersizing. In addition, vicious urban mosquitoes the size of a quarter discourage any lingering in my garden so “Little Lucy” was ignored for a couple of weeks and I missed the prime harvesting size of three inches for the pods.

"Little Lucy" continued to grow.

And grow.

I walked out yesterday to inspect the garden and discovered "Little Lucy" was all grown up. Holy Cialis! No agricultural dysfunction here! "Little Lucy" was packing. "Little Lucy" was hung. "Little Lucy" was sporting some major wood. Nine inches and still growing! Instead of promoting a healthy vegan lifestyle I have a salute to sausage priapism. An all beef thermometer. A wrinkle beast. In my Herbal PETTING garden!

My dream of women stopping to show their children the earthly goodness of Community Supported Agriculture has become a nightmare of women shrieking and covering their children's eyes as they rush by. Men stop in their tracks, gawk and have the sudden urge to purchase large costly automobiles.

More than one person on my AIM Buddylist has tossed contact information over the fence.

I'm bitter that DC doesn't have a State Fair. Heck, I'd even take a County Fair. Ms. Holmes-Norton, forget Statehood! Think local. Think sustainable. Think County. I want my Blue Ribbon!

In the meantime "Little Lucy" continues to grow. Okra gone wild. On 13th St!

The Little Red Bike Wreck of 13th and I St

I passed you on my way to work this morning at Logan Circle, you on your bike in your black T shirt and black shorts. No helmet. All buzzcut and tatts and piercings. Muscles and sweat. Young. Cool and slightly dangerous looking. You were not in the Marching Band in High School. In other words you are everything that I’m not.

But that red bike you were riding? One of those cute little bikes that fold up for storage! “Dude, I thought, No one can look cool on that bike. Not even you.”

"Hey, get a lot of dates with that bike?"

Satisfied that God had leveled the playing field, I smugly drove my Honda on down 13th St knowing that I was slightly cooler and endowed with a larger 401K.

I guess at some point you passed me and I didn’t see you again until I saw you and another biker sprawled in the middle of the intersection at 13th and I. Not sure if the two bikes collided or a car hit you both. Bystanders were just now helping you up. The other biker was lying motionless in the street.

As I inched up to the intersection you limped onto the sidewalk obviously in pain. You asked that someone bring your mangled red bike to you. The other biker still had not moved by the time I finally made it through the intersection.

I was shaky at work all morning. I need to work on being a better person. You need to promise you will wear your helmet. You will still look cool--cooler than I could ever be.

And what happened to the other guy?

The Petting Garden of 13th St

I see you reach over my fence and stroke the rosemary bush as you walk up the street. I do this also as I leave my house for work and somehow the bright and fresh smell of rosemary on my hands always seems to provide a pleasant start to my day. What's rosemary good for besides lamb and potatoes--oh yeah, memory. Besides memory, rosemary may also be useful in the prevention and treatment of head lice. When was the last time you had head lice? See, it's working!

This year I decided to expand the Petting Garden to add a menagerie of esoteric Herbs such as basil, lavender, oregano, sage, dill and cilantro to join the rosemary on the strip of yard between the boxwood shrubs and the fence that borders 13th St. Not sure which Herb you need to get through another day of DC cubicle life? Whether you need protection from witches or a cure for excessive lactation, there is something for you in the Petting Garden of 13th St!

Basil--Sweet, Purple and Cinnamon varieties line the fence. It is traditionally used as supplementary treatment of stress, asthma and diabetes in India. It is a symbol of love in present day Italy but was symbol of hatred in ancient Greece. Take some to your boss--let her guess your mood today.

Oregano--Oregano in medicine is used for suppressing coughs. Dried oregano is sometimes mistaken for marijuana. In the movie "A Few Good Men", Tom Cruise's character has the following exchange with a very irate junior prosecuting JAG officer while at softball practice: "It was oregano, Steve. He bought a dime bag of oregano." Crumble a few leaves and throw some on a table in the break room and see who empties the vending machine of munchies in the afternoon.

Mint--Mint was originally used as a medicinal herb to treat stomach aches and chest pain. Mint was also used to whiten teeth in the Middle Ages. Oil from mint is used in environmentally friendly insecticides to kill some common pests like wasps, hornets, ants and cockroaches.

Sage--Sage is the little Herb that can! Sage has medicinal uses ranging from indigestion, gas, liver complaints, excessive lactation, excessive perspiration, excessive salivation, anxiety, depression, female sterility, and menopausal problems. And you just thought it was the Thanksgiving smell!

Cilantro--Some dislike the soapy taste/smell of cilantro but it is thought to relieve anxiety and insomnia.


Lavender--Lavender is used to induce relaxation. Oh definitely you must pet the lavender as you go by.

Dill--The name dill is thought to have originated from a Norse or Anglo-Saxon word "dylle" meaning to soothe or lull since the plant has properties for relieving gas. In the Middle Ages dill was thought to protect against witchcraft. Is today a company "Team Building" day? Take some dill. Maybe two pinches!


The Petting Garden of 13th St (13th St NW between Logan Circle and U) (follow your nose).

Herb references from Wikipedia and the back of Burpee seed packets.

How Much Is That Tree Worth?

Are you tree challenged and have no idea what kind of tree is planted in front of your house? Have you ever wondered what environmental impact that one tree has?

Thanks to Casey Trees, you can check out their DC Tree Map and precisely locate a tree and discover all sorts of tree porn information such as its species, size and condition, calculations of the amount and value of air pollutants the tree removes, and its value to a tree appraiser. For instance a Norway Maple near my house is 20 feet tall, removes annually 131.881 g of ozone and is worth an estimated $1383.

Check out your favorite local tree!

Maple, Norway Scientific Name: Acer platanoides Tree Value: $ 1,383

Height: 20 feet Diameter at Breast Height: 9 inches Crown Radius: 15 feet

ENVIRONMENTAL AND ECONOMIC VALUE:
Carbon Storage: 98.52 kg
Carbon Sequestration: 6.03 kg/year
Carbon Monoxide Removed: 15.146 g/year
Ozone Removed: 131.881 g/year
Nitrogen Oxide Removed: 43.935 g/year
Particulate Matter Removed: 132.513 g/year
Sulfur Dioxide Removed: 43.786 g/year
Total Pollution Removed: $ 1.8714 /year
Tree Value: $ 1,383

Signs of Spring I

Friday March 14, 2008



















Springtime on 13th St! Looks like my daffodils are in full bloom. When I was a kid in Southern Indiana we would shoot with our BB guns the "heads" off the invading daffodil armies. I don't think you are allowed to do that in DC.




















The pansies survived the winter and so did a few of the ornamental cabbages. Or is that kale? The chicken bone mulch thoughtfully provided by passing pedestrians helps my plants survive harsh DC winters.














Did someone plant this at 3:00 am? Must.Do.Some.Weeding.






















And speaking of spring cleaning my desk area is out of control and I really need to get around to installing those fugly CFC light bulbs.

Cake and Bitter Clowns to Go

Don't watch this video if like me, you suffer from Coulrophobia.





The Food Network Addict reveals that in the premier episode of this season's "Ace of Cakes", Cake Bear Duff and the Gang make their largest cake to date--a fly Harry Potter Cake!


















I'd totally like to have a Charm City Cake for my next birthday. Maybe in the shape of something symbolic of the neighborhood like The Whitelaw Market or a big ole chicken bone on the sidewalk.

The New Whitelaw Market

No botox for this formerly gritty 13th and T NW landmark across from the historic Whitelaw Hotel but a full fledged facelift! The Whitelaw Market, once home of dusty bottles of Rock Creek Cola and several dead freezers, has been renovated and now offers more products and wider aisles under new management. The expanded wine section offers many moderately priced wines that you would not be embarrassed to take to a dinner party. Well, at least I wouldn't be embarrassed.

Drop by and support our neighborhood merchants and make a stand against the 7/11ization of Logan/U!

UPDATE 1/16/2008: And now there is an ATM inside!

On the Second Day of Halloween...

Nov 1, 2007 6:15 PM
13th St NW Washington, DC

I'm sitting down to eat and the doorbell rings. Opening the door I see two young girls dressed neatly in jeans and sweatshirts.

"Do you have any Halloween candy left?"

"No" I said rather stunned.

"Okay" they said and they started down the sidewalk. No apology for disturbing my dinner. No explanation why they were a day late and a costume short.

Finally realizing that DC uncostumed candyscams had reached new heights in chutzpah I yelled "And I won't have any tomorrow night either!"