I'm Having a Bad Week and Thanks for Elbowing Me on the Metro, Lady!

I'm really having a bad week! I don't feel well, I am behind at work and I feel like I am a scarecrow surrounded by some really mean Bic Lighter carrying crows.

Wednesday I heard three things you never want to hear:

1. The roofing contractor after inspecting my roof: "You will probably want to get several bids for this."

2. My boss: "I'm going to set up some time next week to discuss your new career goals."

3. A co-worker yelled to me across the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit Cafeteria: "I love your blog!"

Today as I was dragging myself to work, I was riding the escalator down at the Green Line U Street stop. I knew there was a train in the station but I was in no hurry. I was all about the mellow.

I stand right.

I heard behind me the click, click, click of non-running shoes running.

"Excuse me, excuse me," she shouted.

I'm still standing right.

More click, click, click of the non-running shoes.

"Excuse me, excuuuuuuse me" and wham, I get an elbow in my left side. Hard!

Geez lady, it's stand to the right not press yourself like Flat Stanley against the escalator rail to make way for a crazed woman running for the train like it is the last helicopter out of Saigon!

She made it aboard and I did not. However, I stood at the door and gave her a really dirty look. I guess I should have given her the finger but I am from Indiana and we don't do that unless you are elbowed by a woman wearing a University of Kentucky sweatshirt.

Admittedly, my dirty look is not that threatening. If anything she thought a man having severe gastrointestinal problems was trying to make eye contact in a pathetic attempt to borrow some Pepto Bismol.

So anyway, brunette woman in the brown blouse with the Sarah Palinesque updo who elbowed me at about 8:05 am at the U Street Green Line station--you really need to relax. Calm the frack down!

Why don't you try, I don't know, maybe some aromatherapy to relax?

Here ya go courtesy of the National Arboretum and me!

Take a deep breath!

Click, click, click!

Fighting the Culture of Low Expectations--My First Complaint Letter to Metro for You!

It's a new month and Fall is only a few weeks away--time for a new direction for my blog? Maybe I should try dedicating my blog to doing good work this month. No more selfish, whining posts about finding a roommate, people who improperly shuck corn or the death of the doorbell. You know, make my blog all serious and meaningful and about YOU! Think DailyKos without the impartiality.

With that in mind I decided that after years of questionable service on Metro I would start escalating my complaints. How can they fix problems if due to our Culture of Low Expectations, we don't let them know when things are unacceptable? Did you know that there is an online Customer Comment form? (Bookmark this NOW!)

Now that my knees bark and my back howls when going up stairs (wait this really isn't about me, I am thinking of you!) I am very sensitive to when escalators are out of service. I have always been told when an escalator is out of service the remaining escalator should be used to ferry passengers upward. But how many times have we seen the case where those going down are on the working escalator while those going up have to trudge their way upwards on a dead escalator?

Observing this scenario during rush hour at Gallery/Place Chinatown submitted my first complaint, I mean Customer Comment form and received this reply:

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

Thank you for taking the time to write to Metro's Red Line Team concerning the direction of escalators at Gallery Place-Chinatown station. I apologize for any inconvenience you experienced. Each station has an escalator plan outlining which direction the escalator should be going. Our policy states that there should always be an escalator going in the up direction, in response to our riders have who stated It's easier to walk down an escalator than to walk up an escalator. I check with the station manager on duty today and he stated that they could get the escalator to go in the up direction.

In the future, please asked the station manager if he/she can reverse the escalator.

Blah, Blah blah standard text yadda yadda yadda

Sincerely,

Helen (Becky) Metro
Case 42XXXX

Score one for me! Metro admitted they were in the wrong! Although I was a little confused as to why it is my job to asked the manager. Shouldn't someone on staff notice all the huffing and puffing escalator hikers and asked the manager themselves?

But 5 minutes later I got another email from Helen (Becky) Metro ominously titled "Correction to Email."

Uh oh, was Helen (Becky) Metro going to reveal that her name is really Becky (Helen) Metro? Maybe tell me I should axe not asked the manager?

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

I apologize for the mistake. I meant that "they couldn't get the escalator to go in the up direction".

Sigh...

Metro. Just can't get it up. I can see the new ad campaign now!

It's going to be a long month. But let me know who/what you want me take on next. September only hath 30 days.

The Great Brothel Throwdown--The Washington Metro's Hookers Versus the Bunny Ranch's Bunnys!

Now that we have learned that the Washington Metro, especially the red hot Red Line is offering prostitution as a new service to generate revenue and relieve the stress of its record crowds, I decided to compare the Metro's newest service with the oldest profession as represented by the famous Nevada brothel the Bunny Ranch (NSFW).

In comparing the two by viewing their FAQs I found remarkable similarity between the two service providers but over all for Customer Service the Bunny Ranch comes out a head (cough-cough).

What are your hours?

Bunny Ranch: 24 X 7 365 days of the year since 1955.

Metro: Opens 5:00 am weekdays, 7:00 am weekends. Closes Sun-Thurs Midnight, Sat and Sunday 3:00 a.m. Closes sometimes in inclement weather (or threat of inclement weather).

How many bunnys are there?

Bunny Ranch: There are over 500 ladies licensed for your pleasure here. There are approximately 40-50 at any given time.

Metro: Two station managers and a custodian named Pam.

I don't want to be recognized. Do you have private entrances?

Bunny Ranch: We do have private entrances here at the ranch. Anonymity is not a problem.

Metro: Public elevators and frequently broken down escalators.

Do you take credit cards?

Bunny Ranch: Credit cards and there is an ATM on site

Metro: Cash, Credit cards or SmarTrip Cards

Do you take virgins?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. The Bunny Ranch has turned into the devirginizing capital of America.

Metro: Yes and they usually can be seen standing to the left.

Do I have to have a line up?

Bunny Ranch: No. A line up is not required. You are welcome to come in and have a cocktail at our bar or in our parlor and select your Bunny.

Metro: Pam will be paged over the Metro loudspeaker system.

Do you serve food?

Bunny Ranch: There is a restaurant called Dick’s Roadhouse located less than a half-mile away. Delivery is available upon request.

Metro: No. Up to a $100 fine for eating or drinking.

Do you sell alcohol?

Bunny Ranch: Yes, we have a full service bar. We charge neighborhood prices, not inflated strip club prices.

Metro. No but patrons are frequently heard screaming "I am soooo drunk!" on weekend nights.

Do you sell Merchandise?

Bunny Ranch: We sell shirts, hats, lighters, hot sauce, cozies, water bottles, shot glasses and other items customized with a picture of your favorite Bunny.

Metro: T shirts, mugs and umbrellas customized with your favorite Metro station name.

Is there a Dress Code?

Bunny Ranch: You don’t have to get dressed up, but cleanliness and a little common sense helps you get a little further with the ladies.

Metro: Tourist casual.

Military Discount:

Bunny Ranch: Talk to your favorite bunny. They take pride in themselves in taking care of our servicemen.

Metro: No

Are you Handicap Accessible?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. As of Dec. 2006

Metro: Yes

Do you Have She-Males?

Bunny Ranch: No. But all the bunnys can accommodate you with their personal [adult toys].

Metro: Well. Not sure. But it is the Dupont Circle station.

Slogan:

Bunny Ranch: America's Hottest Cat House!

Metro (current): Metro Opens Doors!

Metro (new): Metro's Open Whores!

Any other suggestions for a new slogan?

The Mysterious Metro Emoticon

What is the subliminal message Metro is trying to convey here in its email and text messages? Is this

.).

a typo or is it a previously unknown Emoticon? If it is a typo why does it appear over and over again in communications over the past few weeks?

From a message sent several times Monday concerning the derailment on the Orange Line:

ID 44490) Disruption at Court House. (Trains are sharing a track between Clarendon and Foggy Bottom due to a derailed train outside Court House station. Shuttle bus service has been established. Orange Line customers should seek an alternate form of travel.).

.).

?

It certainly isn't a smile :-) or a wink ;-)

So what do you think is the emotional content Metro is trying to convey with "Orange Line customers should seek an alternate form of travel.). ?"


:P

Metro's 12 Car Train!

How to solve Metro's overcrowded cars? How about a 12 car train! What you say, that won't fit on the platform? So how come a 12 car train passed through 7 stations and no one noticed the potentially dangerous error? From the Washington Post:

Metro was operating a particularly long train Sunday morning on the Blue Line. It was supposed to have six cars. Train 409 had 12.

A preliminary investigation suggests that the mix-up occurred as the train was preparing to leave the Largo rail yard at 7:27 a.m. to begin its run to Franconia-Springfield. Metro officials think the regular six-car train might have rolled backward on an incline and hooked up with a six-car train behind it, said Metro spokesman Steven Taubenkibel.

No one noticed anything unusual as the 12-car train traveled to seven stations. At Eastern Market, a station manager thought he was looking at an eight-car train that had not stopped properly at the platform, a recurrent problem.

The station manager radioed Metro's control center, which alerted the train operator. By then, she had pulled into the Capitol South station.

The controller asked the operator what kind of train she had.

A six-car train, the operator said.

The controller told her to double-check.

The operator looked out her cab window and remarked, "It looks like I have more lights than I should,'" according to Taubenkibel. She got out for a closer look. Sure enough, there were 12 cars.

No injuries were reported, although it is unsafe for train doors to open in tunnels or other areas away from station platforms. A station platform is only 600 feet long, the exact length of an eight-car train.

The operator is on administrative leave while Metro investigates.

I Heart Pope Benedict XVI!!!!

You may be trapped in massive traffic gridlock during the papal visit to DC April 15-18 but you will be looking fine in your Benedictwear merchandise brought to you by Catholic to the Max.

If you don't have tickets to the April 17 Mass at Nationals Stadium, there will be at least two opportunities to see the Pope Benedict XVI in his awesome Popemobile on April 16 and 17. The exact routes are not yet public but you can show your support with Benedict bumper stickers.























It's recommended that all use Metro and the special commemorative Mass Pass to get to Nationals Stadium. It is not known if the Pope will join the throngs on the Green Line but as a reminder: Stand Right, Walk Left on the escalators!














Update 6:00 PM

NBC4 has posted the Popemobile route!