Oh, snap.
Showing posts with label DC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DC. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Parking Tickets with Attitude!
DC has added some new text to parking tickets. Not only did I over stay my two hour limit but these terms were "CLEARLY POSTED."
Oh, snap.
Oh, snap.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
DC Jury Duty by the Numbers
Date: 7/30/2009
Arrival Time: 7:59 am
Number of times Jury Service deferral had been requested: 1
Juror's Office location: Room 3130
Number of potential Jurors seated in Juror's Lounge: 185
Number of men who exchanged cell phone numbers with Girl with Flower in Her Hair: 2
Men in shorts: 4
Men in muscle T shirts: 1
Women in flip flops: 12
Men in flip flops: 2
Male bloggers wearing a fashionable yet appropriate sweater vest and tie on a 90 degree day: 1
Men wearing baseball caps: 4
Women wearing hats: 0
Women dressed like Hillary Clinton: 28
Batman water bottles carried: 1
Number of men dressed Like Col. Sanders with the exception of one leg of the white pants tucked into his black sock: 1
Number of times the Clerk said "Good Morning!" at the beginning of the orientation before the crowd gave an acceptable enthusiastic reply: 3
Number of times Girl with Flower in Her Hair announced during orientation that the water was out in the Lady's room: 2
Number of times Girl with Flower in Her Hair announced during orientation that the water was out in the Men's room: 1
Number of people who wondered how she knew the status of the Men's room water supply: 182
Age of movie broadcast in Juror's Lounge: 14 years ("Sabrina" 1995)
Number of back issues of "Full Court Press" ("The Newsletter of the District of Columbia Courts!") available in the Juror's Lounge: 3
Number of back issues of "Full Court Press" using the term "southern Mesoamerica": 1
Jurors invited to the first panel in Room 311: 60
Lunch break start time: 1:00 pm
Lunch break end time: 2:30 pm
Number of men previously wearing a Muscle T who returned after lunch in a new outfit that was slightly more professional but still inappropriately form fitting for a man over 40 outside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store not that it was noticed or judged: 1
Length of time Juror 904 spent in Jurors box as a potential Juror: 9 minutes
Length of time Juror 904 made soon-to-be regrettable promises to his Higher Power: 9 minutes
Dismissal time: 3:45 pm
Juror pay: $4.00
Number of men Girl with Flower in Her Hair was last seen talking to on the Green Line: 3
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Cab Ride
"Dupont Circle please" I told the driver as I climbed into his cab today.
"Where in Dupont?" he asked.
"Anywhere. I'll find it."
I don't recall much of the short trip from U Street and mostly was lost in thoughts about my 11:00 am meeting.
Arriving at the circle I handed him $6.00 for the $4.25 fare, giving him a five and a one.
He handed me the dollar bill back.
Not sure he understood I attempted to give him the dollar again and he silently waved it off.
This interchange dominated my thoughts today and I still ponder its meaning.
Maybe there is no meaning but that dollar bill is now on my refrigerator door and I see it each time I walk into the kitchen. I know I need to do something with it but for now it will remain there until I better understand.
"Where in Dupont?" he asked.
"Anywhere. I'll find it."
I don't recall much of the short trip from U Street and mostly was lost in thoughts about my 11:00 am meeting.
Arriving at the circle I handed him $6.00 for the $4.25 fare, giving him a five and a one.
He handed me the dollar bill back.
Not sure he understood I attempted to give him the dollar again and he silently waved it off.
This interchange dominated my thoughts today and I still ponder its meaning.
Maybe there is no meaning but that dollar bill is now on my refrigerator door and I see it each time I walk into the kitchen. I know I need to do something with it but for now it will remain there until I better understand.
Monday, May 11, 2009
What's Rule Number One When Organizing a Protest in DC?
Is Rule Number One spreading the word to your large and engaged populace via Social Media like Facebook? Making sure your protest signs are colorful and eye catching? Contacting the Main Stream Media in advance for coverage? Obtaining sponsors for food and water?
Nope.
Rule Number One is double checking to ensure that your protest takes place at the correct address. We were all mystified when you showed up today waving your signs at us and snapping our pictures while we pulled out our camera phones and returned the photo fusillades. We mostly agree with your demands but regardless there is little we can do beyond what any other American citizens can do.
It was a little embarrassing and uncomfortable since you seemed so passionate and sincere. It was almost like telling the guests at your surprise birthday party that your birthday was last October but thanks anyway and by the way, you are allergic to chocolate cake.
You left after about an hour and hopefully someone had provided you with the correct organization address. Similar sounding names, different missions, different addresses.
It's so DC, isn't it?
Nope.
Rule Number One is double checking to ensure that your protest takes place at the correct address. We were all mystified when you showed up today waving your signs at us and snapping our pictures while we pulled out our camera phones and returned the photo fusillades. We mostly agree with your demands but regardless there is little we can do beyond what any other American citizens can do.
It was a little embarrassing and uncomfortable since you seemed so passionate and sincere. It was almost like telling the guests at your surprise birthday party that your birthday was last October but thanks anyway and by the way, you are allergic to chocolate cake.
You left after about an hour and hopefully someone had provided you with the correct organization address. Similar sounding names, different missions, different addresses.
It's so DC, isn't it?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Obama Administration Honeymoon Extended by 2 Days!
By order of the Metropolitan Police Department
21st and E NW, February 7, 2009
21st and E NW, February 7, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I Want to Be a Good DC Host for the Inauguration But...
Inauguration Day, January 20, 2009
"And if you are thinking of driving a single-passenger vehicle into the District, finding a parking space will be like winning the lottery."
Hey I always try to be a good host! Company coming? I clean the house, change the guest bed linens, leave
But hosting parking for thousands and thousands of cars on January 20?
Not all of us in DC are lucky enough to have off street parking. Unfortunately all those DC residents living in a 50 block area from 11th St NW to 21 St NW between K and P will not be able to park on their own streets starting at 3:00 pm Monday January 19.
So will all those folks move their cars into neighborhoods to the North? If not where would they go? I don't see any guidance from DC, the Secret Service or for that matter Oprah on this.
Along with DC residents migrating to other neighborhoods we will also have the throngs of drivers from Maryland and other states ignoring the warnings who will drive their cars into DC looking for close-in parking.
So where will DC residents park on Inauguration Day?
Compounding matters, don't forget that January 20 is a DC Holiday. I doubt that Traffic Control Officers will be patrolling neighborhoods. Will this became the Super Bowl of All Time of Double and Illegal Parking throughout DC neighborhoods?
I'm parking my car Saturday, and don't plan to move it again until January 21.
And you can disinfect your own damn remote.
Monday, December 1, 2008
The One Hour Thanksgiving Smithsonian Tour
Thanksgiving Day 9:55 a.m. National Museum of American History.
My annual one hour T-Day romp through a Smithsonian museum! Why one hour? Cause I can! This years goal is to see all the major exhibits at the newly renovated National Museum of American History and be out in one hour in order to return home to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
The line for the opening at 10:00 am is fairly short and moves quickly.
To avoid the crowds we start on the 3rd floor and work our way down. The museum is much brighter now with a skylight flooding the atrium with natural light. The exhibits also seem to be better organized and laid out in a manner to handle large crowds.
10:05 "Thanks for the Memories"
The famous collection of movie, sports, music and other cultural memorabilia is now all consolidated into one room. With no crowds around is it easy to hold your foot up to the case displaying Dorothy's ruby slippers for a size comparison, not that you would do this (I'd guess a size 6). Muhammad Ali's boxing gloves and Kermit the frog are still on display; Archie Bunker's chair and Fonzie's leather jacket are MIA.
10:10 "Musical Instruments"
A collection of famous violins, infamous trombones and raunchy cellos. Well who really knows? I gave it a glance and moved on. When office mates start obsessing over their picks for "Fantasy Symphony Orchestra League" I'll come back.
10:12 "The American Presidency: A Glorious Burden"
A holdover from the previous exhibits but one of my favorites.
Lots of Inaugural memorabilia here but no tickets to Obama's.
FDR's funeral procession
10:21 "Abraham Lincoln" (opens January 16, 2009)
I am looking forward to all the exhibits opening in honor of Abraham Lincoln's 200 birthday. I always felt an affinity for Abraham Lincoln and not just because we were both gawky youths growing up in the Midwest who later moved to DC and were involved in relationships with the clinically insane.
10:23 "Within These Walls"
HGTV meets the History Channel. Didn't see Archie's chair here either.
10:27 "First Ladies at the Smithsonian" (which unfortunately doesn't open until December 2008.)
Perhaps when this finally opens we will find Rosalynn Carter channeling Pinky Tuscadero while wearing Fonzie's leather jacket. I entertain the disappointed throngs with a spontaneous rendition of Beyonce's hit "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)".
10:33 2 West Hallway
A buff George Washington shows nippleage while signaling for his mani pedi
10:38 "The Gettysburg Address"
The White House loaned its Lincoln Bedroom copy of the Gettysburg Address for this exhibit and it looks exactly like the version I decoupaged in 6th grade. Must contact Herb Sr later to discuss current provenance.
10:43 "The Scurlock Studio and Black Washington: Picturing the Promise" (Opens Jan 30, 2009)
Point O' Trivia not mentioned here: The gay sports bar Nellie's currently occupies the Scurlock Studio building on U Street.
10:45 "Julia Child's Kitchen", "Science in American Life", Inventions", "Some Other Lady's Kitchen", "Fun with Atom Bombs" and "Spark!Lab" featuring some poor guy teaching science to dozens of kids amped up on $5 cookies from the "Stars and Stripes Cafe". WHEW!
10:49 "America on the Move"
And so we did.
10:50 "The Star Spangled Banner"
The lines for the Star Spangled Banner were long. Was it a mistake to start at the top and work our way down? In the picture below you can see part of the 40-foot-by-19-foot “waving flag” made of 960 reflective panels whose colors slightly shift as you move past — especially when running from floor to floor of the museum.
10:58 Finally we get in! The pictures didn't turn out in the darkened room but rest assured it was almost exactly like this.
Thanksgiving Dinner 2008
Next year's challenge? The Air and Space Museum in 30 minutes!
My annual one hour T-Day romp through a Smithsonian museum! Why one hour? Cause I can! This years goal is to see all the major exhibits at the newly renovated National Museum of American History and be out in one hour in order to return home to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
The line for the opening at 10:00 am is fairly short and moves quickly.
To avoid the crowds we start on the 3rd floor and work our way down. The museum is much brighter now with a skylight flooding the atrium with natural light. The exhibits also seem to be better organized and laid out in a manner to handle large crowds.
10:05 "Thanks for the Memories"
The famous collection of movie, sports, music and other cultural memorabilia is now all consolidated into one room. With no crowds around is it easy to hold your foot up to the case displaying Dorothy's ruby slippers for a size comparison, not that you would do this (I'd guess a size 6). Muhammad Ali's boxing gloves and Kermit the frog are still on display; Archie Bunker's chair and Fonzie's leather jacket are MIA.
10:10 "Musical Instruments"
A collection of famous violins, infamous trombones and raunchy cellos. Well who really knows? I gave it a glance and moved on. When office mates start obsessing over their picks for "Fantasy Symphony Orchestra League" I'll come back.
10:12 "The American Presidency: A Glorious Burden"
A holdover from the previous exhibits but one of my favorites.
Lots of Inaugural memorabilia here but no tickets to Obama's.
FDR's funeral procession
10:21 "Abraham Lincoln" (opens January 16, 2009)
I am looking forward to all the exhibits opening in honor of Abraham Lincoln's 200 birthday. I always felt an affinity for Abraham Lincoln and not just because we were both gawky youths growing up in the Midwest who later moved to DC and were involved in relationships with the clinically insane.
10:23 "Within These Walls"
HGTV meets the History Channel. Didn't see Archie's chair here either.
10:27 "First Ladies at the Smithsonian" (which unfortunately doesn't open until December 2008.)
Perhaps when this finally opens we will find Rosalynn Carter channeling Pinky Tuscadero while wearing Fonzie's leather jacket. I entertain the disappointed throngs with a spontaneous rendition of Beyonce's hit "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)".
10:33 2 West Hallway
A buff George Washington shows nippleage while signaling for his mani pedi
10:38 "The Gettysburg Address"
The White House loaned its Lincoln Bedroom copy of the Gettysburg Address for this exhibit and it looks exactly like the version I decoupaged in 6th grade. Must contact Herb Sr later to discuss current provenance.
10:43 "The Scurlock Studio and Black Washington: Picturing the Promise" (Opens Jan 30, 2009)
Point O' Trivia not mentioned here: The gay sports bar Nellie's currently occupies the Scurlock Studio building on U Street.
10:45 "Julia Child's Kitchen", "Science in American Life", Inventions", "Some Other Lady's Kitchen", "Fun with Atom Bombs" and "Spark!Lab" featuring some poor guy teaching science to dozens of kids amped up on $5 cookies from the "Stars and Stripes Cafe". WHEW!
10:49 "America on the Move"
And so we did.
10:50 "The Star Spangled Banner"
The lines for the Star Spangled Banner were long. Was it a mistake to start at the top and work our way down? In the picture below you can see part of the 40-foot-by-19-foot “waving flag” made of 960 reflective panels whose colors slightly shift as you move past — especially when running from floor to floor of the museum.
10:58 Finally we get in! The pictures didn't turn out in the darkened room but rest assured it was almost exactly like this.
Thanksgiving Dinner 2008
Next year's challenge? The Air and Space Museum in 30 minutes!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Surviving Washington DC Summers Before Air Conditioning: A History!
Although this August has been unusually cool, generally the searing heat of the eighth month of the year is brutal locally. Can you imagine living in Washington, DC before air conditioning? Tossing and turning night after night of uncomfortable restless sleep, working in oven-like offices while gasping for breath in the putrid still air? How did people survive the blistering heat? What did people do before air conditioning in DC?
In the Beginning
From the very beginning the District of Columbia was laid out with consideration to fight the summer heat. In 1791, President George Washington appointed Frenchman Pierre L'Enfant Plaza (pee-air el-uh-fant pla-za) to design the new federal capital city which was unfortunately located in lowly swamplands purchased sight unseen on Craigslist. L'Enfant Plaza envisioned a grand city much like Paris with airy broad tree lined streets, low rise buildings and Can-Can girls.
L'Enfant Plaza's design of the city on a northeast to southwest axis was not coincidental or part of a Freemason conspiracy. Houses situated on the streets at this angle would benefit from the prevailing cool breezes flowing from northeast Maryland through DC towards Virginia since Virginia then, as today sucks.
The War of 1812: It Only Burns When I Pee
In August 1814, frustrated by the broiling Washington heat, indifferent Can-Can girls and his embarrassingly accurate last name, British Admiral Cockburn took matters into his own hands and attempted to burn DC to the ground, causing the locals to take an unexpected vacation in the cooler climes of the Shenandoah Mountains. First Lady Dolly Madison was the last to evacuate the White House famously declaring, "Shoot if you must this old gray head, but spare my country's cupcakes."
The "Civil" War
Global warming first reared its ugly head in the record heat of the summers of 1861-1865. Residents of DC and Virginia sought respite from the sweltering heat wave by competing for the few limited spaces available in nearby “civil” spas in Bull Run, Antietam and Gettysburg.
As part of the competition, Mayors A. Lincoln and J. Davis of DC and Richmond respectively, made a series of bets about which city had the hottest average temperatures and foxiest Can-Can girls. Mayor Davis won the bet causing Lincoln to throw such a major hissy fit that he inexplicably burned Atlanta.
The Gilded Age of Summering
DC, like other major cities in the Northeast, exploded in population and wealth during the period following the "Civil" War.
Super rich industrialists and financiers such as Cornelius Vanderbilt, John D Rockefeller, and Andrew Carnegie built summer mansions in cool seaside locations such as Newport Rhode Island or Bar Harbor Maine.
DC residents built summer homes with wide eaves, deep porches, thick walls, high ceilings, attics, sleeping porches and cross ventilation in Mt. Pleasant and Columbia Heights.
Making the World Safe for Democracy, Movies and the Washington Senators
The general public first began to encounter “man-made weather” in movie theaters. The Follies Bergere Can-Can Theater in DC installed the first air conditioning system locally in a theater in 1911. Soon pioneering experiments with mechanical cooling turned public attendance at movies into a summertime ritual in the 20s.
DC residents flocked to movie theaters to experience the new way to stay cool and stayed for reel after reel in order to avoid going home to the stifling heat. Movie theaters competed with each other by building more and more lavish theaters many which still exist today such as the Uptown, Lincoln, Rite Aid, Howard, Lowes, Starbucks, Cairo, Bens, Regal, Home Depot, Metro, CVS and Ronald Wilson Reagan Memorial Can-Can National Airport theaters.
The Federal government soon jumped on the air conditioning band wagon and in 1928, the House of Representatives got the deep freeze. The following year the Senate earmarked itself some cold air. In 1930 the White House, Executive Office Building, and the Department of Commerce all became a summer oasis enabling the Federal government to work year round in order to defeat the Depression, Hitler, Japan and the New York Yankees.
The Cold War (1945-1991)
Despite the name, DC in the summer during the Cold War was still quite hot. Residents who had yet to install residential air conditioning during this period often found cooler air while ducking under school desks or summering in their fallout shelters.
Today
Air Conditioning.
The. Best. Invention. Ever.
Followed closely by the Remote Control.
Credits:
Wikipedia
Zoloft
Carrier.com
White House Historical Society
Absolut Vodka
Mr. Wilson’s 6th grade history class (1970)
Gilahi Blog
“I Was a Teenage Can-Can Girl” (1952 MGM)
Hostess.com
In the Beginning
From the very beginning the District of Columbia was laid out with consideration to fight the summer heat. In 1791, President George Washington appointed Frenchman Pierre L'Enfant Plaza (pee-air el-uh-fant pla-za) to design the new federal capital city which was unfortunately located in lowly swamplands purchased sight unseen on Craigslist. L'Enfant Plaza envisioned a grand city much like Paris with airy broad tree lined streets, low rise buildings and Can-Can girls.
L'Enfant Plaza's design of the city on a northeast to southwest axis was not coincidental or part of a Freemason conspiracy. Houses situated on the streets at this angle would benefit from the prevailing cool breezes flowing from northeast Maryland through DC towards Virginia since Virginia then, as today sucks.
The War of 1812: It Only Burns When I Pee
In August 1814, frustrated by the broiling Washington heat, indifferent Can-Can girls and his embarrassingly accurate last name, British Admiral Cockburn took matters into his own hands and attempted to burn DC to the ground, causing the locals to take an unexpected vacation in the cooler climes of the Shenandoah Mountains. First Lady Dolly Madison was the last to evacuate the White House famously declaring, "Shoot if you must this old gray head, but spare my country's cupcakes."
The "Civil" War
Global warming first reared its ugly head in the record heat of the summers of 1861-1865. Residents of DC and Virginia sought respite from the sweltering heat wave by competing for the few limited spaces available in nearby “civil” spas in Bull Run, Antietam and Gettysburg.
As part of the competition, Mayors A. Lincoln and J. Davis of DC and Richmond respectively, made a series of bets about which city had the hottest average temperatures and foxiest Can-Can girls. Mayor Davis won the bet causing Lincoln to throw such a major hissy fit that he inexplicably burned Atlanta.
The Gilded Age of Summering
DC, like other major cities in the Northeast, exploded in population and wealth during the period following the "Civil" War.
Super rich industrialists and financiers such as Cornelius Vanderbilt, John D Rockefeller, and Andrew Carnegie built summer mansions in cool seaside locations such as Newport Rhode Island or Bar Harbor Maine.
DC residents built summer homes with wide eaves, deep porches, thick walls, high ceilings, attics, sleeping porches and cross ventilation in Mt. Pleasant and Columbia Heights.
Making the World Safe for Democracy, Movies and the Washington Senators
The general public first began to encounter “man-made weather” in movie theaters. The Follies Bergere Can-Can Theater in DC installed the first air conditioning system locally in a theater in 1911. Soon pioneering experiments with mechanical cooling turned public attendance at movies into a summertime ritual in the 20s.
DC residents flocked to movie theaters to experience the new way to stay cool and stayed for reel after reel in order to avoid going home to the stifling heat. Movie theaters competed with each other by building more and more lavish theaters many which still exist today such as the Uptown, Lincoln, Rite Aid, Howard, Lowes, Starbucks, Cairo, Bens, Regal, Home Depot, Metro, CVS and Ronald Wilson Reagan Memorial Can-Can National Airport theaters.
The Federal government soon jumped on the air conditioning band wagon and in 1928, the House of Representatives got the deep freeze. The following year the Senate earmarked itself some cold air. In 1930 the White House, Executive Office Building, and the Department of Commerce all became a summer oasis enabling the Federal government to work year round in order to defeat the Depression, Hitler, Japan and the New York Yankees.
The Cold War (1945-1991)
Despite the name, DC in the summer during the Cold War was still quite hot. Residents who had yet to install residential air conditioning during this period often found cooler air while ducking under school desks or summering in their fallout shelters.
Today
Air Conditioning.
The. Best. Invention. Ever.
Followed closely by the Remote Control.
Credits:
Wikipedia
Zoloft
Carrier.com
White House Historical Society
Absolut Vodka
Mr. Wilson’s 6th grade history class (1970)
Gilahi Blog
“I Was a Teenage Can-Can Girl” (1952 MGM)
Hostess.com
Saturday, June 21, 2008
June 21: This Day In History
New Hampshire becomes the ninth and last necessary state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, thereby making the document the law of the land and saving the DC street that runs parallel to the Mall from being named Articles of Confederation Avenue.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The DC COMEDY CAB: Jokes! Misogyny! Monica Lewinsky!
It was not just my first ride in a sweet metered Diamond Cab Company DC Cab. What, you are expecting some typical weenie DC blog post about how-nice-to-finally-see-a-meter-so-I- tipped- the- driver-extra-money-for-obeying-the-law. Nope, not here bud cause I got jokes, I got Hillary, I even witnessed the return of Monica Frackin' Lewinsky cause I was riding in the DC COMEDY CAB!
And off we go departing from 14th and T NW! Whee!!!!
Meter: $3.00
DC COMEDY CAB: Did you hear that Bill Clinton's dog died? He climbed into bed with Hillary and froze to death.
Meter: $3.75.
DC COMEDY CAB: Do you know why Bill Clinton won't let Hillary wear mini skirts? He doesn't want her b***s to show!
Meter: $5.25
DC COMEDY CAB: Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is leaving the Democrat Party? She said that the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Meter $6.50
DC COMEDY CAB: Monica was at the dry cleaners and asked the hard of hearing owner when her dress would be ready. "Come again?" he said. Monica "No just ketchup this time."
Meter $7.75
DC COMEDY CAB: So Chelsea Clinton was visiting Iraq and asked a soldier if he was ever scared. He said "The only thing that scares me is Osama, Obama, and yo Mama."
Arriving at 17th and E the total damage was $7.75 plus the $1.00 gas surcharge for $8.75 which was only .25 more than the old reviled zone rate. And I got COMEDY! I got Bill Clinton! Just don't forget to tip your DC COMEDY CAB DRIVER! He'll be here all week. Try the veal!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
When You Can Only "Unofficially" Report Crime to 911
I admit that I was at first a bit judgmental when leaving for work last week and I noticed that your car had been broken into while parked near my house. Peering through through the broken window I could see clothing and CDs thrown around the car. Despite your DC plates you didn't seem to know the #1 rule when parking a car in DC--Do Not Leave Anything Out While Parking in DC or Thieves Will Think Your Coat/Blanket/CD Case/Cigarette Pack Is Hiding Your Purse /Lap Top/Credit Card/8 Ball.
Later that day when I returned from work I was alarmed to discover that your car was parked in the same place, still unsecured, although it didn't appear that anything else had been taken.
Being a Good Citizen, I decided to call 911. Surely the police or someone can run the plates, contact the owners and urge them to secure their car before more was taken or the car itself stolen, right?
911: Police, Fire, Medical Emergency
Herb of DC: Well its not an emergency [nervous laugh] but a car was broken into near my house and has been sitting there all day.
911: Is this your car?
Herb of DC: No it is parked next door.
911: Can you let your neighbors know?
Herb of DC: It's not their car either. I've never seen this car before.
911: (long pause) Well what are your trying to do.
Herb of DC: Can't I report that the car has been broken into?
911: Not officially.
Herb of DC: Well can't someone come out, find who the owners are and contact them?
911: I'll send the next available car out. You are at NNNN NNth St NW?
Herb of DC: Yes but...
911: Click
Crap. Does this really require the next available cops to stop chasing murderers or drug pushers to ring my doorbell? What role was I supposed to play when the police arrived beyond unofficially pointing to the car like some deranged, auto-crazed Vanna White? However, since it was "American Idol/Dancing with the Stars Results" night, I would be awake all the way to 10:00 pm anyway so I popped open a six pack and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
At 10:00 pm Marrissa was gone and Sayesha was soon to be toast so I headed to the 3rd floor to bed, leaving the front light on hoping that would deter any thieves. If someone did ring my doorbell the dogs would wake me. Marissa and the six pack were finished but I wasn't.
The next morning I noticed that the car was still there but it didn't appear that anything else had been taken.
Later that day I was Gladys Kravitzing out the window and saw the car owners standing by the car. I ran outside and apologized and explained that I had tried to call the police to get them to do something.
I shrugged.
They shrugged.
The woman said "Fortunately nothing was taken."
Oh I disagree. Officially.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Dear Pope Benedict XVI: A Few Humble Suggestions for Your Trip
Dear Pope Benedict XVI:
Welcome to Washington, DC! I hope you have a wonderful visit!
In looking at your schedule though, I find it a little...predictable? I see you will be at the White House, you have a meeting with Bishops, there is that much anticipated Mass at Nationals Park and another meeting with Catholic Educators. It all sounds very official and business-like although I am sure it will be extremely memorable and meaningful for those who come into contact with you. But what are you going to do for fun? Are you going to have a few minutes to let your zucchetto down? Don't you want to see some of the real Washington?
April 15, Tuesday
Your official schedule indicates only one event: arrival at Andrews Air Force Base with a greeting by President and Mrs. Bush.
I am sure you will probably be a little jet lagged and I have a suggestion for what you can do. When Washingtonians have been out all night and are about to go home to sleep, we head to historic U Street to stop by Ben's Chili Bowl for its famous local delicacy--the chili half-smoke. While standing in line you will meet some of the diverse locals who eat there and hear some great R&B music.
There is a famous sign at Ben's that proclaims that Bill Cosby is the only person who eats for free. Do you think after your visit a second name will be added to that sign?
Wash down that half-smoke with a milk shake and I guarantee you will sleep like a baby!
April 16 Wednesday
Today is your birthday!! Happy Birthday Holy Father!
The day starts with your official visit to the White House. After the visit you are taking the Popemobile for a leisurely spin up Pennsylvania Avenue to Rock Creek Parkway to the nunciature.
Here's my suggestion to spice this up some and make it a little more fun: why don't you take Popemobile 1 and challenge a local like Condolezza Rice to take Popemobile 2 and race up Pennsylvania Avenue? I mean today is your birthday!!! You just know she is the type of gal who would like to kick off her Manolo Blahniks, put the pedal to the metal and pop a few Popemobile wheelies on Washington Circle in a Papal birthday drag race. The loser has to buy dinner at Brightwood's Colorado Kitchen. Order the meat loaf and save room for pineapple upside down cake-- you won't regret it win or lose!
April 17, Thursday
I realize this is your really busy day with the Mass at Nationals Park so let's keep today's side trip simple. After spending hours with thousands of people why don't you relax by spending some time with the animals? Stop by the beautiful National Zoo in Woodley Park and commune with nature. Here's an even better idea--have your picture taken at the zoo with a bear...in the woods. Trust me this picture will be posted on every blog around the world for years to come. A great souvenir of your trip to DC!
April 18, Friday
Sadly today you depart DC for New York so may I make one wee suggestion? On your way to the airport could you stop by the District Building for a few minutes and say thank you to your local host Mayor Fenty? After all it is us Washingtonians who are the ones who are dealing with traffic issues for four days and paying for part of the extra police presence for your security. We aren't complaining, we would just like you to spend some time with our Mayor. We like him a lot and think you will too.
It is said that your predecessor Pope John Paul II helped bring down communism in Europe. Are you aware that the local residents of the Capital of the Free World do not have voting representation in Congress? Have you heard the phrase "Taxation without Representation?" Mayor Fenty will explain this to you and maybe you could help us. The best thank you present you could possibly give to the District of Columbia is to help us get voting rights in Congress. If so, there is no need to send us a thank you note and a bottle of chianti when you get back home.
Pope Benedict XVI, thanks again for visiting our city. I hope you enjoyed your visit as much as we did! Have a safe trip back to Vatican City and please come back soon!
Regards,
Herb of DC
P.S. While you are here can you also catch and teach a Papal lesson to those people who are littering our streets?
Welcome to Washington, DC! I hope you have a wonderful visit!
In looking at your schedule though, I find it a little...predictable? I see you will be at the White House, you have a meeting with Bishops, there is that much anticipated Mass at Nationals Park and another meeting with Catholic Educators. It all sounds very official and business-like although I am sure it will be extremely memorable and meaningful for those who come into contact with you. But what are you going to do for fun? Are you going to have a few minutes to let your zucchetto down? Don't you want to see some of the real Washington?
April 15, Tuesday
Your official schedule indicates only one event: arrival at Andrews Air Force Base with a greeting by President and Mrs. Bush.
I am sure you will probably be a little jet lagged and I have a suggestion for what you can do. When Washingtonians have been out all night and are about to go home to sleep, we head to historic U Street to stop by Ben's Chili Bowl for its famous local delicacy--the chili half-smoke. While standing in line you will meet some of the diverse locals who eat there and hear some great R&B music.
There is a famous sign at Ben's that proclaims that Bill Cosby is the only person who eats for free. Do you think after your visit a second name will be added to that sign?
Wash down that half-smoke with a milk shake and I guarantee you will sleep like a baby!
April 16 Wednesday
Today is your birthday!! Happy Birthday Holy Father!
The day starts with your official visit to the White House. After the visit you are taking the Popemobile for a leisurely spin up Pennsylvania Avenue to Rock Creek Parkway to the nunciature.
Here's my suggestion to spice this up some and make it a little more fun: why don't you take Popemobile 1 and challenge a local like Condolezza Rice to take Popemobile 2 and race up Pennsylvania Avenue? I mean today is your birthday!!! You just know she is the type of gal who would like to kick off her Manolo Blahniks, put the pedal to the metal and pop a few Popemobile wheelies on Washington Circle in a Papal birthday drag race. The loser has to buy dinner at Brightwood's Colorado Kitchen. Order the meat loaf and save room for pineapple upside down cake-- you won't regret it win or lose!
April 17, Thursday
I realize this is your really busy day with the Mass at Nationals Park so let's keep today's side trip simple. After spending hours with thousands of people why don't you relax by spending some time with the animals? Stop by the beautiful National Zoo in Woodley Park and commune with nature. Here's an even better idea--have your picture taken at the zoo with a bear...in the woods. Trust me this picture will be posted on every blog around the world for years to come. A great souvenir of your trip to DC!
April 18, Friday
Sadly today you depart DC for New York so may I make one wee suggestion? On your way to the airport could you stop by the District Building for a few minutes and say thank you to your local host Mayor Fenty? After all it is us Washingtonians who are the ones who are dealing with traffic issues for four days and paying for part of the extra police presence for your security. We aren't complaining, we would just like you to spend some time with our Mayor. We like him a lot and think you will too.
It is said that your predecessor Pope John Paul II helped bring down communism in Europe. Are you aware that the local residents of the Capital of the Free World do not have voting representation in Congress? Have you heard the phrase "Taxation without Representation?" Mayor Fenty will explain this to you and maybe you could help us. The best thank you present you could possibly give to the District of Columbia is to help us get voting rights in Congress. If so, there is no need to send us a thank you note and a bottle of chianti when you get back home.
Pope Benedict XVI, thanks again for visiting our city. I hope you enjoyed your visit as much as we did! Have a safe trip back to Vatican City and please come back soon!
Regards,
Herb of DC
P.S. While you are here can you also catch and teach a Papal lesson to those people who are littering our streets?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Greatest Blog Post I Didn't Write About the Prostitute and DC's Own [Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer Here]
It was going to be a great post! I could already feel the linky-love I would get from DCBLOGs and DCist due to its surprising local connection and maybe a shout out from Wonkette since it involved prostitutes. Wonkette LIVES for stories about whores!
It all started with a Google search on April 11, 2008 at 5:22:59 pm of "[Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] and Prostitute" that delivered someone from West Lebanon, New Hampshire to a pun filled and mostly unrelated story on my blog. He stayed for 16 seconds and viewed two pages. Yes for the uninitiated you should know we know how you get to our blogs and what you do on them although we don't necessarily know who you are.
I decided to do a little online research--had [Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] become a certified whoremonger? Or better yet, is [Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] now a prostitute? Was he forced to enter the oldest profession due to newer professions that allow all those illegal downloads of his music?
What I found on Wikipedia and online wasn't really enough to get The Smoking Gun or TMZ.com into a panting Britney overdrive. In fact there was nothing really there at all. I was mildly surprised to discover that [Insert Name of Famous Pop Star] had been born in Washington, DC and was still a local resident. Although his last instantly recognizable monster hit from the early 80s still packs the dance floor at wedding receptions he has been in and out of the music business over the years and through most of this time, he kept his job with a local government agency although now it appears he may be a contractor.
So He's not a whoremonger. Or a gigolo. He's a retired civil servant with a famous past.
Darn.
I did put two and two together and discover a perhaps coincidental connection with a current local story involving prostitution based upon the purported location of his place of work. Score! I could still write a snarky post about how he could teach [Local Madam] how ["To Do What Is Mentioned in His Greatest Hit"].
But is it fair for a Google search result to hang out there for the rest of Neternity for "[Insert Name of Famous Singer] and the Prostitute"? He has NOTHING to do with prostitution and seems to have led a very law abiding life.
A minute on a blog and a life on the Net. I'm not going to do it. At least not to him.
Blogging has consequences!
I am not a journalist. I am not going to track him down and ask if the Wikipedia information on his current line of work is true and by the way, has he bumped into [Local Madam] in the hallway and did he teach her ["To Do What Is Mentioned in His Greatest Hit"]?
But it would have been a great blog post.
It all started with a Google search on April 11, 2008 at 5:22:59 pm of "[Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] and Prostitute" that delivered someone from West Lebanon, New Hampshire to a pun filled and mostly unrelated story on my blog. He stayed for 16 seconds and viewed two pages. Yes for the uninitiated you should know we know how you get to our blogs and what you do on them although we don't necessarily know who you are.
I decided to do a little online research--had [Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] become a certified whoremonger? Or better yet, is [Insert Name of Famous Pop Singer] now a prostitute? Was he forced to enter the oldest profession due to newer professions that allow all those illegal downloads of his music?
What I found on Wikipedia and online wasn't really enough to get The Smoking Gun or TMZ.com into a panting Britney overdrive. In fact there was nothing really there at all. I was mildly surprised to discover that [Insert Name of Famous Pop Star] had been born in Washington, DC and was still a local resident. Although his last instantly recognizable monster hit from the early 80s still packs the dance floor at wedding receptions he has been in and out of the music business over the years and through most of this time, he kept his job with a local government agency although now it appears he may be a contractor.
So He's not a whoremonger. Or a gigolo. He's a retired civil servant with a famous past.
Darn.
I did put two and two together and discover a perhaps coincidental connection with a current local story involving prostitution based upon the purported location of his place of work. Score! I could still write a snarky post about how he could teach [Local Madam] how ["To Do What Is Mentioned in His Greatest Hit"].
But is it fair for a Google search result to hang out there for the rest of Neternity for "[Insert Name of Famous Singer] and the Prostitute"? He has NOTHING to do with prostitution and seems to have led a very law abiding life.
A minute on a blog and a life on the Net. I'm not going to do it. At least not to him.
Blogging has consequences!
I am not a journalist. I am not going to track him down and ask if the Wikipedia information on his current line of work is true and by the way, has he bumped into [Local Madam] in the hallway and did he teach her ["To Do What Is Mentioned in His Greatest Hit"]?
But it would have been a great blog post.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I Heart Pope Benedict XVI!!!!
You may be trapped in massive traffic gridlock during the papal visit to DC April 15-18 but you will be looking fine in your Benedictwear merchandise brought to you by Catholic to the Max.
If you don't have tickets to the April 17 Mass at Nationals Stadium, there will be at least two opportunities to see the Pope Benedict XVI in his awesome Popemobile on April 16 and 17. The exact routes are not yet public but you can show your support with Benedict bumper stickers.
It's recommended that all use Metro and the special commemorative Mass Pass to get to Nationals Stadium. It is not known if the Pope will join the throngs on the Green Line but as a reminder: Stand Right, Walk Left on the escalators!
Update 6:00 PM
NBC4 has posted the Popemobile route!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Hot Governor-on-Pilgrim Lovin' at the Mayflower Hotel
So allegedly the transaction between NY Governor Spitzer and the high priced prostitute took place at DC's Mayflower Hotel where the "historic hotel in Washington DC offers a timeless aura highlighted by an abundance of modern conveniences."
And apparently some of the worlds oldest conveniences.
I'm sure the Mayflower is a nice hotel with a great gift shop but somehow I don't picture this as a place for a rip-roaring sexual dalliance.
Why?
1. It is owned by Marriott. Need I say more?
2. The Mayflower makes me think of the Pilgrims and their grim black clothing and clunky shoes. Quick name one hot Pilgrim! See you can't!
3. Pilgrims remind me of Thanksgiving which is the least sexy holiday of all. Heavy doses of green bean casserole, tryptophan and guilt does not make for an evening of hot governor lovin' without mainlining Cialis.
4. And finally Thanksgiving brings forth the image of one of the least sexy things ever. Giblets.
Monday, February 18, 2008
"There Are Big Tall Terrible Giants in the Sky"
On Presidents' Day, DC residents turned out in droves to say goodbye to long time Hains Point resident, "The Awakening" which is moving to National Harbor in Maryland February 20.
There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!
When you're way up high
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.
You're free to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's
A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
And you heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared
Being all alone...
And it's then that you miss
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-
The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.
There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky!
Credits
Photography: JessiCub
Text: Adapted from "Giants in the Sky" (Stephen Sondheim, "Into the Woods")
There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!
When you're way up high
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.
You're free to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's
A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
And you heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared
Being all alone...
And it's then that you miss
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-
The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.
There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky!
Credits
Photography: JessiCub
Text: Adapted from "Giants in the Sky" (Stephen Sondheim, "Into the Woods")
Monday, January 21, 2008
New DC Cab Fares: Who Wins, Who Loses?
I decided to put the Washington Post's handy dandy
District Taxi Fare Estimator to the test to determine who comes out ahead with some sample trips from my house in the Logan/U Street area by comparing the old zone rate to the new time and distance fare system.
From my house to bars and restaurants on 17th St:
Zone $6:50
Fare: $4.00
Winners:
Bars and restaurants on 17th St and the cab drivers. Before I would just stay home instead of paying $6.50 for a short hop but now I believe cab drivers will stay constantly busy in the evening shuttlingdrunks riders short distances.
Losers:
My liver
From my house to the Columbia Heights Giant:
Zone: $8.80
Fare: $4.50
Winners:
Say "Hola!" to the Columbia Heights Giant since previously I didn't shop there since I don't like having to deal with their parking garage and carrying groceries on the Metro was just not gonna happen. Cab drivers once again will stay steadily busy shuttling passengers up and down the hill instead of cruising aimlessly around looking for fares or idling next to the Sticky Fingers Bakery.
Losers:
The Brentwood Giant and your big ass parking lot filled with day laborers. Maybe now I really can sell my car!
From my house to work:
Zone: $7.50 (including rush hour premium)
Fare: $7.50
Winners:
It's a tie baby! Kiss your Aunt and declare the Metro the winner since this reminds me once again how stupid it is for me to take a cab when I can get to my office just fine via Metro. Cab drivers win since what is not included in the above fare are the new wait charges for hitting traffic during rush hour if I do decide that is "No Mass Transit Monday" for me. (And really, if your cab is nice and clean I always add a extra dollar to the tip.)
Losers:
Other Metro riders who will have to deal with my morning crankiness and occasional rankness.
My house to Georgetown Park Mall:
Zone: $8.80
Fare: $ 6.75
Winners:
Oh who are we kidding? Have you seen my pictures on this blog? Like I ever shop at Georgetown Park. Maybe if they opened a Sears there or a rad Brew Thru outlet or something.
Losers:
Sears
My liver
How will fares for your favorite trips change?
From my house to bars and restaurants on 17th St:
Zone $6:50
Fare: $4.00
Winners:
Bars and restaurants on 17th St and the cab drivers. Before I would just stay home instead of paying $6.50 for a short hop but now I believe cab drivers will stay constantly busy in the evening shuttling
Losers:
My liver
From my house to the Columbia Heights Giant:
Zone: $8.80
Fare: $4.50
Winners:
Say "Hola!" to the Columbia Heights Giant since previously I didn't shop there since I don't like having to deal with their parking garage and carrying groceries on the Metro was just not gonna happen. Cab drivers once again will stay steadily busy shuttling passengers up and down the hill instead of cruising aimlessly around looking for fares or idling next to the Sticky Fingers Bakery.
Losers:
The Brentwood Giant and your big ass parking lot filled with day laborers. Maybe now I really can sell my car!
From my house to work:
Zone: $7.50 (including rush hour premium)
Fare: $7.50
Winners:
It's a tie baby! Kiss your Aunt and declare the Metro the winner since this reminds me once again how stupid it is for me to take a cab when I can get to my office just fine via Metro. Cab drivers win since what is not included in the above fare are the new wait charges for hitting traffic during rush hour if I do decide that is "No Mass Transit Monday" for me. (And really, if your cab is nice and clean I always add a extra dollar to the tip.)
Losers:
Other Metro riders who will have to deal with my morning crankiness and occasional rankness.
My house to Georgetown Park Mall:
Zone: $8.80
Fare: $ 6.75
Winners:
Oh who are we kidding? Have you seen my pictures on this blog? Like I ever shop at Georgetown Park. Maybe if they opened a Sears there or a rad Brew Thru outlet or something.
Losers:
Sears
My liver
How will fares for your favorite trips change?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Leather Merit Badges of 2008!
That infamous celebration of leather the Mid Atlantic Leather (MAL) 2008 weekend is almost upon us again. MAL DC is that special time of year when thousands of men and 11 women converge on Washington DC to visit museums, enjoy fine cuisine, stand in coat check lines and ponder the lack of leather related items at the confusingly named store "The Leather Rack."
Leather as clothing or a lifestyle is just not really something I am into. It's not a PETA thing it's just that I look sallow in black and instead of appearing sexy and menacing I look like an accountant who has made poor lifestyle choices.
Coming so close after my birthday, I try to attend a few of the Leatherati functions but each year I attend less and less. Regardless, it is always an adventure to suck in the beer belly for a few hours and wander through the crowd to observe this once a year party put on by Centaurs Club.
As I wrote before, from my experience those who attend MAL seem to fall into the following groups: First Timers, Fetish Veterans, Sash Queens and Locals.
The First Timers
Those fresh faced rainbow tattooed First Timers tend to be from small towns without leather bars or have that combo disco/leather/cowboy/drag/lube store bar that is ubiquitous in fly-over America. The First Timers buy the entire MAL "package" and spend their weekend enthusiastically being bused to Leather Brunches, Leather Cocktails, and earnestly attending workshops such as "Leather Symbolism or Free Mason Conspiracy in the L'Enfant Design of Washington DC?" and "Incorporating S&M Into Your 'Project Runway' Parties."
First timers stay to the very end of the marathon Mr. MAL pageant and never wonder why Miss America can be selected in two hours yet this crowning takes four. First Timers may also be found en mass at Leather Cocktails gathered around the shrimp bowl finishing it off in the first 15 minutes.
First timers, when not exchanging the leather merit badges of the cow hide circuit (also known as "run pins") are the ones who arrive at the DC Eagle by 8:00 pm, are drunk by 10:00 pm and passed out at the hotel by Midnight. Due to their strict adherence to "THE SCHEDULE", First Timers are rarely seen by anyone besides other First Timers, the shuttle bus driver and the waiters at Annies. The one exception to this is the First Timer drunk dancing on the dance floor at the authentic locker room-like smelling "Reaction Dance" who will spill his drink on you on the dance floor. He is one of the few First Timers to stay out past Midnight but he will leave hours before last call thus missing the arrival of your more sketchy local friends who might be confused and frightened at the specter of a man drinking alcohol at a dance party.
First Timers are up early on Monday to make the long drive back home. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on leather they rarely wear it again except when riding in the back of a pickup truck covered with balloons in the local Gay Pride parade or attending "run pin" swap meets.
A few first timers return to become Fetish Veterans...
The Fetish Veterans
The Fetish Veterans spend their year planning for MAL or surgically recovering from it. They book their rooms for the next year at the the Washington Plaza as they check out. Fetish Veteran chat rooms vibrate with activity all year as they swap blueprints for newer and bigger leather subtraps.
Fetish Veterans arrive in large Winnebagos stuffed with soon to be repurposed apparatus purchased at Home Depot, the Sports Authority, PetSmart, or medical equipment supply firms. Much like a well stocked hurricane shelter, their hotel rooms are filled with duct tape, oxygen, First Aid kits, MREs, puppy kibble, lubricants and World War II Surplus items. Fetish Veterans, like First Timers, are rarely seen during the weekend except by other Fetish Veterans, the waiters at Annies, and a few local emergency room doctors.
Fetish Veterans will make an appearance at Leather Cocktails and may be found as a group devouring the oddly familiar stuffed suckling pig in a scene reminiscent of one of the gorier episodes of "Meerkat Manor."
Fetish Veterans all request a late check-out, on Thursday. Or sometime in February.
The Sash Queens
The Sash Queens proudly wear all weekend the leather sash that is the symbol of their triumphs in leather contests around the world. They are seen by everyone and are everywhere. At least half of the men between 9th St to 17th St will be sashily dressed as a dark Mayor of Candy Land searching for a ribbon cutting opening ceremony at Whole Foods or a Harley-Davidson dealership. Most of these titles you have never heard of and it's somewhat like the Golden Globes in that you never heard of the name of the winner until the envelope is opened but you still applaud the body of his or her work.
I'm starting to suspect that there is sash inflation and like in the Special Olympics, everyone is a winner. Some day I will have a sash made with some generic title like "Mr Tri-State Leather 2005" since apparently Sash Queens only sleep with other Sash Queens. Or at least they don't sleep with me. In THIS decade. At least I'm not bitter. Much. Whatever, get me my Beadazzler!
Sash Queens attend the Mr. MAL pageant but only to the point when all title holders are invited to the stage, a moment of shared glory that leaves only the First Timers remaining seated.
Sash Queens do not need an early or late check out Monday at the Washington Plaza since they never check-in thus creating 24 X 7 opportunities to make the rest of us feel inferior by our sash-less existence.
The Locals
Many locals spend the weekend in smug self-congratulation on their choice of such a fun place to live, crowded with hot men from around the world. This pink cloud lasts for the weekend and then they return to complaining about DC, the attitude of the men, housing prices, whether or not the Eagle will close this year and how much fun and how attitude free DC men are when you run into them in other cities such as NYC or Ft Lauderdale.
Most locals get the "package"a couple of times before realizing that they can save money by just sluttily hanging out in the lobby of the very busy Washington Plaza and purchasing tickets to the one or two things they wish to attend such as the Reaction Dance or Leather Scrapbooking 101.
At some point during the night, Washington Plaza security prevents anyone from going upstairs without having a room key or being with someone with a room key. Locals know to find a suddenly highly desirable drunk First Timer and flirt with him enough to get upstairs. As soon as he passes out in his room after you have helped him pierce his nipple with a "run pin", you are free to roam the floors looking for Fetish Veteran Jumper Cable parties, Sash Queen walkoff challenges, or the Locals Ice Machine Room orgies.
The greatest tragedy is when a local meets another local in the lobby of the hotel. This may work out if one of the locals lives within a few blocks of the hotel. However, in that this is someone you will eventually meet in a hot tub in Ft Lauderdale, I would hold out for finding a drunk First Timer. A free trip to the floors above is the very best leather merit badge of achievement a local can aspire to!
Update: Jimbo reminds us that your broiled turkey leg will still be there next year if you skip it this year.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
DC Republicans Find New Neighborhood for Recruiting!
It's right there on the cover of the invitation for the DC Republicans 2008 Lincoln-Douglass Reception and Dinner "Celebrating the Neighborhoods of DC."
Chinatown (Ok, not many Chinese left but some good restaurants)
Mount Pleasant (Gotcha, going after that Hispanic vote)
Anacostia (Mmm, maybe you will find a Republican somewhere)
The Mall (!!!)
The Mall? Is that really a DC neighborhood? I checked the DC government neighborhood website and this neighborhood is not listed. Don't people have to actually live there to be classified a neighborhood to be celebrated?
Is it possible that the DC Republicans have given up on the Sisyphean task of recruiting locals and now is resorting to signing up leftward standing, but right leaning tourists from from Red States exiting the Smithsonian metro?
I also like saying "Sisyphean."
"Sisyphean, Sisyphean, Sisyphean!"
See this event in person on Thursday, January 31, 2008 ($150 per person).
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Taken for a Ride
The DC Taxicab Commission has polled taxi drivers and discovered that only 25% of the 686 polled favored time-distance meters over the current zone system. In other DC polls the DC Banking Commission polled local banks in order to determine that 92 % of bankers believe that ATM fees are reasonable. The Department of Motor Vehicles recently reported the shocking results that only 89% of DMV managers agree that the DMV delivers high quality and efficient service.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)