Sunday, November 9, 2008

Need Inaugural Tickets? Just Calm Down People and Avoid the Scams!

So who is in a panic trying to find tickets to the Inauguration?
If you are Oprah, Gayle, Grandma Biden, Katie Couric, teachers at the Chicago Lab School, Tina Fey, Amtrak conductors, Joy Behar, Bruce Springsteen, John Stewart or are from Scranton, don't worry, you are in. You may confidently purchase your ball attire. If you are a Kennedy, most likely you are in except for, well you know who you are.

Those who are going to a Ball to Nowhere: Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joe the Plumber Country Singer, Aunt Zeituni, Bill Ayers, Scarlett Johansson, anyone Lieberman, Jeremiah Wright, Chuck Norris and the State of Alaska. Hope you kept those receipts!

So for the rest of you, how will you get tickets? How can you avoid being scammed or paying high prices for free tickets? I answer many of your emails below.

Dear Herb of DC:

Please send me tickets to the Inauguration Swearing-In ceremony. Could you also include a check refunding your Mother's and my contribution for your 4 years of college at that Prestigious Basketball University? I thought by now you would be a big-shot corporate executive not that I am not proud that you are a Systems Analyst III at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit.


Herb Sr (Retired)

P.S. Please have that check certified

Dear Herb Sr (Retired):

You have a much better chance than I do to obtain tickets! Put down your remote control, pick up your JitterBug phone and contact your Congressman or Senator in one of those Red States you live in and ask to be put on the list for one of the 250,000 free Swearing-In ceremony tickets. You must pick the tickets up in person the week before the inauguration.

There will also be space on the Mall that will not require tickets.

It's already too late to request tickets if you live in DC. Rep. Eleanor "Holmes Rule" Norton has said "Yes We Can't" and asked that people stop contacting her for tickets. Just STOP it people!


Looks like she forgot to tell the webmaster on her campaign site.

You should also know that no website or other ticket outlet actually has Inaugural Swearing-In tickets to sell, regardless of what they may claim.

"Any website or ticket broker claiming that they have inaugural tickets is simply not telling the truth," said Howard Gantman Staff Director for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies. "Tickets for the swearing-in of President-elect are all provided through members of Congress, and the President-elect and Vice President-elect through the Presidential Inaugural Committee. We urge the public to view any offers of tickets for sale with great skepticism."

Find your very own representatives here.


Herbie of DC

P.S. Could I send you some pumpkins instead?

Dear Herb of DC:

I am desperate to go to an Inaugural Ball. I will do anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Sexual favors, house cleaning for a year, dog sitting, limericks, free legal advice, etc. I see websites offering tickets now for outrageous sums to Inaugural Balls. Are these legit?


Pink Crocs in the Drive-Thru Lane

P.S. Did I mention that I would do ANYTHING?

Dear Pink:

Take a cold shower, chant "Yes We Can" and calm the heck down! The locations of the Official Inaugural Balls have not been announced. The Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC), which hasn't even been established yet is responsible for all official balls and galas hosted in honor of the newly-elected President.

Be very cautious in purchasing these tickets online now unless you are purchasing tickets for one of the unofficial Inaugural balls and you can confirm the ball's existence. Exercise great restraint in purchasing tickets to a ball with a location of TBA, has a generic name like "Inaugural Ball" or has tickets that cannot be delivered yet. Those sound like a croc of a scam to me.

Fashionably Yours,

Herb of DC

P.S. Could you define "anything" in the form of a limerick? Oh wait, you did last week.

Dear Herb of DC:

Okay Mr. Smarty, so what's the difference between an official and unofficial Inaugural Ball?

Violating My Restraining Order,

Dave the Auditor

Dear Dave:

That's easy, Dave. Barack twirling Chris Matthews Michelle around the dance floor. Joe and Jill Biden's J-Setting dance routine. These take place at the official balls. You will also see politicians, celebrities and people from all around the country celebrating this historic moment. You may also find overcrowding, uninspired food choices, long lines for coat checks and stout Swing State women wearing the best of The Quacker Factory. Ticket proceeds from these balls are used to offset the cost of the inauguration.

The unofficial balls are often more fun with better music and entertainment but there is only a remote chance that you will see some presidential star dust. Unofficial balls are hosted by state societies, veterans organizations, universities, Gay and Lesbian organizations and entertainment media. Celebrities, politicians and ordinary folk will be seen exchanging fist bumps and most likely be better dressed and better fed.

Unofficially Yours,

Herb of DC

Dear Dude of DC:

I had a dope sky Presidential Seal Beer Bong made especially for the Inaugural balls. Which ball venue will be the best for heavy dude partying?


DC Hipster Prince

Dear Hipster:

Try Clinton's first Inaugural.

Party on,

Herb of DC

Dear Douche of DC:

But you still haven't told us how to get tickets to Inaugural Balls!

Getting Annoyed,

Doug in Las Felices

Dear DILF:

Okay, my friend here you go.

Start networking now! Do you have a relative in another state who is a party official or a big donor? That relative is now your favorite! Send homemade "Change Happened" cookies now! Have them start working their connections!

Call your own Senators and Representatives. Email anyone you know who worked on the Obama campaign. Continue making donations to the Democratic National Committee, State Parties or the Obama campaign. When The Presidential Inaugural Committee is formed contact individual members or any website they may set up. Don't forget to mention how you knocked on every door in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Florida until your knuckles bled.

Watch online for the unofficial balls as they open up. Buy your tickets now directly from the organizations (charging on a credit card for safety) and not through a ticket broker.

Do not pay cash for any of these tickets!

And if all else fails chill out and organize your own party.


Herb of DC

P.S. Oh yeah the Inaugural Parade. Free bleacher seat tickets from your Representatives and Senators.

So...what are you inaugural plans?

1 comment:

Katherine said...

Dear Herbie:

Do not underestimate me and my definition of "anything." I will, will, WILL (maniacal laugh here) get tickets. As we speak, I am contemplating how to get around that pesky in person pick up requirement. Allegedly, the fine representatives of the great State of Ohio can be outwitted.

Yours respectfully,

Pink Crocs in the Drive-Thru Lane

PS - Glad you liked my limerick. I try my best to please.