Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Am "Dismayed" by the Washington Post Express

My blog entry for the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin parody on SNL was featured on the Blog Log of the Washington Post Express Monday, September 29. I have been featured there before and quite frankly, you don't get a lot of new traffic to your blog from it. I guess it is hard to link to a blog from the paper you are holding in your hand.

The money quote:

"THE REALLY SAD PART is that the opening few minutes of the bit were not very different at all from the actual interview that they were parodying. I walked into the room after it had just started, and it took me a second to realize that it [was] 'SNL.'"
Herbofdc.blogspot.com was dismayed by the similarities between parody and reality in a 'Saturday Night Live' sketch about Sarah Palin's CBS interview.

Wow that makes me sound very smart. Analytical. Sober. Unfortunately it wasn't me that said it. It was commentator Gilahi of Gilahi Blog.

Does anyone actually edit this page? Another blogger recently had a similar problem in regards to a very thoughtful post she wrote about 9/11.

So was it sloppy editing or did they read my entry on why I had to turn down the "Certified Honest Blogger" award and just assume that this was another comment I had made up to post to my own blog? Really when I said that I was kidding...KIDDING!!! Hehe.

October 1, 2008 Update

Blogger Gilahi dashes into a phone booth, dons his cape and Belt of Righteous Indignation and comes to our defense as Super Gilahi! Take that Washington Post Express! BAM! POW!!!

October 1, 2008 Update #2

The WPE replies via email:

Hello Herb, in the edition that day it was simply a mistake. If you read that section frequently, you'll notice that we often use the verbiage 'a commenter at xblog' said such and such. That day's was just left out erroneously.

Thanks for reading and please forward this to your friend Gilahi with my apologies

October 1, 2008 Update #3

WPE thanks for responding. We all make simple mistakes, like my mullet, now and then. But based upon all the comments over at Gilahi World today, this seems to happen frequently.

No need to respond. Thanks! Still love the Post and all things Stanley Kaplan!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Why I Must Reject "The Certified Honest Blogger" Award

I've been nominated for another award: "The Certified Honest Blogger" award! Like most good things on the web and bad things on shower curtains, this award has already gone viral.

First the right standing, left walking bloggerist
"Metro Stalker Man" tagged me with the nomination. Shortly thereafter organic soil conditioning blogger Katherine from "Who Invented Horses?" nominated me for my myth eCrushing series "Madras: The New Black. " Sensing a Herb Bandwagon, Pete of "I Like Pimentos", Tammie of "TamarasView", Mandii from "Robots Ate My Grandmother", Tiph'annee of "LivitLuvit" and Arianna of the "Huffington" Post all gave me a hat tip for the coveted nomination.

If you accept this prize you must:

1 -Write a post about the award, together with the name of who nominated you, link them back and make posts in their name at FreeInsuranceQuotes.com and ManHunt.net
2 - Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in their content, design or their frequency of posting comments on your own brilliant blog
3 - Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they have been nominated for the "Certified Honest Blogger" award
4 - Show a picture of those who nominated you (optional)

I have searched my conscience and my heart and find that, sadly, I cannot accept this nomination.

Why? It is the name--"Certified Honest Blogger." I am not an honest blogger. My blog is a complete and total fake. Herb? I could only dream that I had a name so cool. DC? More like Dogtown, Indiana.

Like William Donahue, I'm just a lonely guy with a computer on dial-up.

I have been known to string together words to fool Google search like "Martha Stewart's homemade peanut butter recipe is for elephants, gourmet porn" just so I can trap Google searches to my blog for people (men) looking for "Martha Stewart elephant porn." Should this type of childish and despicable behavior be rewarded?

My commentators? I am ashamed to admit I post fake comments all the time. In fact I have created entire blogs with years of fake postings just to link back when commenting on my own posts.

My most famous post for DCist, the poignant "Adrian Fenty, Michelle Rhee, Dan Snyder and I in the Naked Cab Ride of Death from Petworth to Ben's Chili Bowl on Xmas Eve" was totally the product of vodka, Xanax and repressed sexuality. My Wonkette hit "Is That a Weapon of Mass Destruction in Your Pants Mr. Rumsfeld or Are You Just Glad to See Me?" I stole from here.

I am sure you recall my inexplicable string of featured articles at "DC Blogs Noted"? Four words: Tijuana. Donkey. Show. Videos.

So there you go kids. Thank you for thinking of me but I cannot accept the nomination for the "Certified Honest Blogger" Award. Please give it to someone a little more honest and deserving. I would suggest someone on my blogroll ("Blogs I Stalk") but all of those linked here (except for one) are really me also. I'm pathetic but prolific.

"Katie, I'd Like to Use One of My Lifelines"

Tina Fey and SNL hit another one out of the ballpark with the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin interview part 4.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The "Yes Dance" and Advice for the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow

Definitely not naked High School Musical 6 or the all lesbian High School Musical 7 or the porntastic High School Musical 10. And I am not just saying that because 1/3 of my Google searches are due to the fact that I once made a joking reference here to High School Musical, 3, 4 and 5. It would be wrong to mislead the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow (and Google search) again, wouldn't it?

Speaking of my readers under 21, I just want to remind you that lavish Social Security benefits, like the SATs and the Lynn Spears "book" tour will always be around. Do not get tricked into opening one of those fake 401K thingys at work. It is well known that 401ks cause adult acne. Do you think Miley Cyrus estranged from her parents has a 401K? I should say not. And that alleged company match? They totally take it away when you leave or if you ever get caught checking Facebook or MySpace on the job.

This is the "Yes Dance" video and is not about Zak Efron who has never had NAKED PICTURES in Playgirl or gay Porn or that dirty, dirty girl Vanessa Hudgens and her all girl shopping orgies.

Just two wholesome guys (I think) doing the life affirming "Yes Dance." May Not be Safe For Work or the Seventh Grade.

Not to be confused with this "Yes Dance."

Monday, September 22, 2008

What If Everyone Bought Wall Street a LG - 50" Flat-Panel Plasma HDTV Instead?

Having trouble picturing $700 billion ($700,000,000,000)? This is all it is--a really nice LG 50" Class 1080p Flat-Panel Plasma HDTV for $2293.37.

If all 305,227,684 Americans personally ponied up to help out Wall Street, they could buy 305,227,684 incredibly kick a** plasma TVs from Best Buy to contribute. Maybe Wall Street could hawk them on eBay or create baffling plasma based derivative instruments to sell to each other? (Okay, so technically this TV is on sale for $2,299.98 but I think Best Buy will come down $6.61, just based upon sheer volume.)

This is a big investment; we probably also want a service plan in case of power surges or stagflation, right? The Best Buy Geek Squad Black Tie Protection 4 Year Plan for 305,227,684 TVs at $199 each adds another sixty billion ($60,740,309,116) to the tab.

Of course we are going to buy a really nice wall mounting system. With
The Sanus - Full Motion Wall mount you can get mounted for $106,826,637,123.16.

Misc cables, surge protectors, adapters and MREs are $103.98 for an add-ons of $31,737,574,582.32.

The Bill

Plasma HDTV $700,000,000,000.00

Geek Squad Service Plan $60,740,309,116.00

Wall Mounting Kits $106,826,637,123.16

Misc Cables etc $31,737,574,582.32

Total before taxes $899,304,520,821.48

DC Sales Tax (8%) $71,944,361,665.71

Total: $971,248,882,487.19

Don't have that much cash laying around?

Best Buy's financing Program A (Variable Standard APR = Prime Rate + 14.4 percentage pts) is currently offered at 19.8% so you would pay interest of $192,307,278,732.46 the first year.


The Bottom Line:


That's right over one trillion dollars.

You buy a plasma TV, throw in a couple of add-ons and before you know it, you are talking real money.

305,227,684 freaking LG 50" Class 1080p Flat-Panel Plasma HDTVs!

You can mount them on the wall and stare at them for years. Maximum picture quality and Clear Voice technology for enhanced audio performance. Fluid Motion (180Hz effect) ensures that action scenes look smooth and natural as long as you, you know, still have electricity.

I still don't feel any better about this. Thank god Best Buy is offering free shipping.

I need to call Comcast now. I am available each Monday from 8 am - Noon now through 2055.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Terrorists Have Won--Columbia Heights Surrenders!

Bear invasion rocks CoHi. Is Petworth next?

The Columbia Heights Metro station was closed for a time on Tuesday morning because of a large, stuffed polar bear that was found outside the station.

Police first described the stuffed bear as a suspicious package, and the bomb squad was called in to investigate. There was a heavy police presence at the scene, and witnesses described the bear as a large, stuffed polar bear that was standing up near a trash can.

The incident caused a disruption in service for riders on the green and yellow lines at the Columbia Heights Metro station. Service was restored around 11:45 a.m.

There's no word yet from police about why the bear was there or who may have left it. They also haven't said what else-- if anything-- was found around the scene.

The DCist offered some theories on the bear on their website. One post suggested it might have been a man in a bear suit, and another said it could have been a creation by a local artist. Click here to read the theories from the DCist website in full.

More Bear coverage here and here.

Monday, September 15, 2008

People Please: Stop the Sadistic at Work “Surprise” Baby Showers!

Once again today at work I was asked to sneak into a dark conference room for a “surprise” baby shower. This event was preceded by hourly reminders sent with degree of efficiency otherwise unseen in this department to contribute to the present, to not tip off Baby Mama, and oh yeah, have you contributed to the present yet?

I am not debating the merits of having showers and other recognitions at work--I will save that for another post. But for the love of Jamie Lynn Spears can we stop making baby showers surprise events? Isn’t this the one party celebrating a major life event (until birthdays over the age of 80) that should never be a surprise?

Let me note that I have never been pregnant; the last pregnancy I was involved with produced me and a lifetime of therapy happiness. But if I were pregnant, gained 40 pounds and had some Bundle of Joy doing a Bend It Like Beckham number on my kidneys every 2 minutes, I would not want to attend a meeting ominously titled “Fiscal Year Budget 2009” only to enter a darkened conference room and have 12 female co-workers, Don from Accounting and all the gay guys jump out and yell “Surprise!”

Why do we have to dim the lights? Don’t budget meetings have lights ON? Sunshine Laws people, look it up! And have you ever sat in a dark room with Don from Accounting? Let’s just say I think he is unsure what side of the balance sheet his assets are on.

The Mother-to-Be always looks a little shell-shocked as she smooths down her now ill-fitting late stages of pregnancy maternity dress, purchased from an improbably named line like “Stork Sak”, “BellyDancers ” or “Petunia Pickle Bottom”. The tomato sauce stain on her breast that in her pre-preggo days would have dripped onto the napkin in her lap is the scarlet advertisement proclaiming to the world her dual afflictions of swelling feet and shrinking bladder.

Stammering her thanks she is then presented with piles of individually wrapped baby presents all that must be opened, passed around and scrutinized for estimated retail value while the ice cream melts and her back aches. The organizer of the event, who usually also does the shopping for the group gift will complain endlessly of her retail midwife martyrdom and the challenges of shopping at Baby R Us when the Mother-to-Be had thoughtlessly declined to disclose the sex of the baby to her co-workers.

“That's why everything I bought is yellow” she will say, giving a knowing look to Don from Accounting who no doubt was greeted on this earth with piles of yellow onesies.

I can only equate these sadistic showers to fraternity hazings, since most of the other women once had a traditional surprise shower thrown for them. Are they secretly enjoying hazing the new mothers? Can't we stop this sadistic ritual?

Try this:

“Mother-to-Be, a group of us want to have a little get together to help launch you into your joyous new phase of life. Can you join us in Conference Room E next Monday at 3:00. Don from Accounting will be making his famous Eight Layer Dip!”

Wouldn't that be a lot easier for everyone involved?

Please people, can we stop the sadistic at work surprise baby showers?

Unfortunate Joke #1

Do I have to have a baby shower?

Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly!

Unfortunate Joke #2

Whats the difference between a Pit Bull and the at work Baby Shower organizer?


Driven to Drink!

September: the month I am dedicating to you, the month that I will use my blog for doing good and the month that I will most likely drive my my tens of readers to drink. Be thankful that September is not a Leap Month.

So if you are going to drink to get through this, why not do it at Bardstown Kentucky's Bourbon Festival, Sept 16-21?

Since 1776, the people of Bardstown, Kentucky have been making Bourbon. Their dedication to the fine art of distilling eventually gave Bardstown the title of Bourbon Capital of the World. The Kentucky Bourbon Festival gives you a weekend full of smooth Bourbon, delicious food, and great entertainment, with a healthy dose of Kentucky hospitality thrown in for good measure and if you are really lucky, you may run into my sister. Tell her I said "hello."

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Get Out Your Cell and Help Disaster Victims!

Text "Give" to 2Help (24357) and give $5 to the American Red Cross.


On SNL: Gov. Palin "I Can See Russia from My House!"

For those like me who go to bed early, SNLs very funny open with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler as Sen. Hillary Clinton:

"Stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures."

"Don't refer to me as a FLIRG!" (FLURG?)

Update: There is all sorts of activtiy on the interwebs trying to guess the meaning of FLIRG (FLURG/FLURGE)).

The best I have seen so far is "First Lady Is Really a Guy."

Your guess?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Cupcakes and More Dancing!

We are still in September, the month I am dedicating to you, the month that I will use my blog for doing good and the month that I will most likely lose my tens of readers.

First up, cupcakes! Who doesn't like a good cupcake? You can put lipstick on a cupcake but it is still a cupcake! (Keith Olberman call me, seriously dude!).

You can find delicious cupcakes here in DC at Hello Cupcake in Dupont Circle. Tell them Herb sent you!

Have a date coming up? Or is your social life as dry as my Baptist cousin Norman's wedding? Try making Better than Sex cupcakes!

Okay so maybe you don't like to bake cupcakes, you are just a cupcake voyeur? Kinky! For cupcake porn try the blog "How to Eat a Cupcake."

After all those cupcakes, you will need to work those calories off. Ready for a vigorous turn around the dance floor with everyone's favorite multi-cultural dance, "The Mexican Hat Dance?"


Monday, September 8, 2008

This Blog Is Not About Hookers or Losing My Virginity at the Bunny Ranch!

Really Google, stop delivering all the hooker searches to my blog. This week alone:

lost my virginity at the bunny ranch
hookers with their feet on the car window caught on tape
Nevada brothel costs? -gas -fuel hooker
hooker porn star pics ppt
tape on hooker
DC brothel

So cease and desist, okay?

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Do the Chicken Dance with Hanna!

With Hurricane Tropical Storm Hanna approaching, do you run to the store and buy bread, milk and toilet paper?

If so the hysterical TV newscasters have won.

Remember that this is September, the month I am dedicating to my dear readers and this is my advice: when you are down an out, when the dog bites, when storm clouds threaten, forget that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens crap.

Do the Chicken Dance Polka and everything will feel much better.

Will you join me now? You know you want to and you can thank me for the ear worm later.

Update Sunday September 7

Bloggerist Gilahi suggests in the Comments section that the dancing in "Where the Hell Is Matt 2008" ("Praan")
which spans 14 months, 42 countries and features a cast of thousands is somehow superior to two guys from New Jersey doing the Chicken Dance Polka.

You be the judge.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Gilahi hat tip to LivItLuvIt

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Death by Granite Countertops or The End of Logan Circle As We Know It Today!

In keeping with my September theme of dedicating this blog to YOU my loyal reader(s) and in order to meet the new mandate from DCBLOGS that all blog posts must be meaningful, I feel I should warn you of a danger you may have lurking in your kitchen or bathroom—YOUR GRANITE COUNTERTOPS!

Forget the threat of crime, global warming, hurricanes, gasoline shortages, Caribou Barbie, unibrows or the return of '90210'. The biggest menace to your very existence may be your Absolute Black granite counters. Remember when your real estate agent said that you were purchasing a "killer" kitchen?


What, you don’t have granite countertops? Don’t you live in DC? Why are you reading my blog then?

A July 2008 article in the NY Times disclosed that recent test results reveal that some granite countertops sold by the Big Box Kitchen Death Machine and other 401K drainers are emitting dangerous radioactivity into homes. Although some eagerly embrace the health insurance cost savings of taking your own X- rays while cooking, other groups are urging people with such deadly countertops to have them tested for the amounts of radon gas they emit over concerns that amounts are above levels considered safe.

"It’s not that all granite is dangerous,” said Stanley Liebert, the quality assurance director at CMT Laboratories in Clifton Park, N.Y.“But I’ve seen a few that might heat up your Cheerios a little.”

Predictably, the Marble Institute of America has come to the defense of granite, attacking the New York Times and others who hate America.

“We are disappointed that the New York Times has compromised the ultimate goal of sharing truth with its readers. But it is precisely because individuals and companies seek to prey on consumer fears and confusion that the Marble Institute of America is working with the independent scientific community to set standards to test granite for radon.

That is why we created the Truth About Granite Fund. And, unfortunately, this article makes our efforts – and support for that fund – so critical.”

Oh snap!

Hey what’s the difference between the Marble Institute of America and a Pit Bull?

Lipstick! I mean sealer! (I never could tell a joke. )

So what can you do to protect you and your Cheerios? Despite all this arguing back and forth no one yet has offered this simple tip until now and you will find this only at Herb of DC.

Aluminum foil.

That’s right, Good Old American Reynolds Wrap. The Safer Eating choice for natural stone.

You can either wrap your countertops in aluminum foil or make a sassy aluminum foil body suit (See "Project Runway Season Two") to don when you enter your kitchen.

I prefer the sleek look of an aluminum granite wrapped counter (see below). I feel this will be the latest trend in all the “right” kitchens.

Picture the Real Estate ads in 2009 : "3 Bdr, 2.5 BA, TS Kit w/ SS and Alum.Granite with Geiger Counter incl. "

Safe and Healthy Breakfast 2009

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Fighting the Culture of Low Expectations--My First Complaint Letter to Metro for You!

It's a new month and Fall is only a few weeks away--time for a new direction for my blog? Maybe I should try dedicating my blog to doing good work this month. No more selfish, whining posts about finding a roommate, people who improperly shuck corn or the death of the doorbell. You know, make my blog all serious and meaningful and about YOU! Think DailyKos without the impartiality.

With that in mind I decided that after years of questionable service on Metro I would start escalating my complaints. How can they fix problems if due to our Culture of Low Expectations, we don't let them know when things are unacceptable? Did you know that there is an online Customer Comment form? (Bookmark this NOW!)

Now that my knees bark and my back howls when going up stairs (wait this really isn't about me, I am thinking of you!) I am very sensitive to when escalators are out of service. I have always been told when an escalator is out of service the remaining escalator should be used to ferry passengers upward. But how many times have we seen the case where those going down are on the working escalator while those going up have to trudge their way upwards on a dead escalator?

Observing this scenario during rush hour at Gallery/Place Chinatown submitted my first complaint, I mean Customer Comment form and received this reply:

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

Thank you for taking the time to write to Metro's Red Line Team concerning the direction of escalators at Gallery Place-Chinatown station. I apologize for any inconvenience you experienced. Each station has an escalator plan outlining which direction the escalator should be going. Our policy states that there should always be an escalator going in the up direction, in response to our riders have who stated It's easier to walk down an escalator than to walk up an escalator. I check with the station manager on duty today and he stated that they could get the escalator to go in the up direction.

In the future, please asked the station manager if he/she can reverse the escalator.

Blah, Blah blah standard text yadda yadda yadda


Helen (Becky) Metro
Case 42XXXX

Score one for me! Metro admitted they were in the wrong! Although I was a little confused as to why it is my job to asked the manager. Shouldn't someone on staff notice all the huffing and puffing escalator hikers and asked the manager themselves?

But 5 minutes later I got another email from Helen (Becky) Metro ominously titled "Correction to Email."

h oh, was Helen (Becky) Metro going to reveal that her name is really Becky (Helen) Metro? Maybe tell me I should axe not asked the manager?

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

I apologize for the mistake. I meant that "they couldn't get the escalator to go in the up direction".


Metro. Just can't get it up. I can see the new ad campaign now!

It's going to be a long month. But let me know who/what you want me take on next. September only hath 30 days.

Caribou Barbie! The T Shirt!

The T Shirt

Caribou Barbie Says...Ten year plan? How's about you just let me drill?