Monday, December 21, 2009

Snow People Who Look Like America Are Mocking Me!

It appears that DC Snow People resemble more and more the 64% of Americans who are overweight. Maybe I am just being overly sensitive due to the 7 pounds I have already picked up this Holiday season but I feel as though these Snow People are mocking me.

This portly man with a carrot nose at 13th and T NW reminds me that vegetables are not just for body parts.

This snow person at 14th and V NW is bedecked with orange slices and olives--you know that stuff that just takes up space in your drink.

This is what happens to lazy Snow Children (14th and V NW) who spend too much time reading blogs.

Eventually those "fun" Hawaiian shirts have to come off revealing the extra high cankles. (14th St NW)

Next: Does Santa really see you when you are sleeping? Isn't that kinda pervy?

Sue Ann Nivens "The Happy Homemaker" on Snow

"Isn't it simply beautiful out there? I mean snow always inspires such awe in me! Just consider one single snow flake alone, so delicate, so fragile so ethereal and yet let a billion of them come together through the majestic force of nature they can screw up a whole city." (Sue Ann Nivens the Happy Homemaker on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show.")

Okay, snow we've had enough fun for now--will you please go away? Some of us have only have about 24 hours left to start Christmas shopping before we leave for Indytucky.

Friday, December 18, 2009


OMG 8-12" OF SNOW IS COMING TO DC!!! Begin emptying the grocery stores of milk, bread, and toilet paper NOW! Keep your TV constantly tuned to NBC 4 NOW! Ransack Blockbuster Video NOW! Immediately abandon your cars for the best spots on Beltway ramps NOW!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Ten Most Depressing Christmas Songs

From Buzzfeed The 10 Most Depressing Christmas Songs

Christmas Time Is Here

Pass out the kiddie Zoloft

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Hide the good liquor and the "dolls"

That Was The Worst Christmas Ever

The title says it all

Last Christmas

If only

Hard Candy Christmas

Needs more Dolly

Blue Christmas

Unfortunately I only "hear" Herb Sr imitating Elvis singing this. Technically child abuse.

The Christmas Shoes

Depressing and loathsome

Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas)

Admittedly the best Christmas song title ever

If We Make It Through December

Never heard of it but good luck.

Maybe I counted wrong--blame my depression!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The YouTube Back Story--Holiday Edition

I often wonder what is truly going on when someone makes a video for YouTube.

On the surface this looks like a one-man Rockapella group singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."


Wife: I can't take another freakin' minute with these kids. I'm going Christmas shopping and you can watch Sponge Bob Squarepants over and over with them tonight.
Hubby: K
Wife: Feed them in the kitchen. I don't want to clean up a mess when I get home.
Hubby: K
Wife: And no beer!
Hubby: K
Wife: And no playing with the video camera!
Hubby: (Light Bulb!)

Monday, December 7, 2009

Begging for Verizon Service (I know...Pathetic!)

How pathetic---begging online for Verizon Long Distance service!

We are routing you to a chat representative. Thank you for contacting Verizon. Your average wait time is 1 seconds.

You are now chatting with 'Shane'

Shane: Hello. Thank you for visiting our Verizon chat service. How can I help you set up your new service and save with a Verizon bundle?

you: I signed up for your long distance in september yet I am still being charged by my previous vendor.

Shane: I will be happy to help you with that.

Shane: Your order might not have been placed properly at that point of time, I'd recommend you place your order again online and keep this chat window open so I can assure you that your order is completed and you will get long distance from Verizon

Shane: You can continue with your order. Let me know if you have any questions.

you: I need to know what happened. I am being charged still by my old vendor and don't want to pay them. I remeber getting an email from verizon to confirm that I wanted to change. what happened? what date?

Shane: As I said your order might not have been completed the last time, that's the reason you are still being charged by your current provider.

you: so what do we do? please process my spetember order

Shane: You will need to place your order again now online.

you: that is what I am trying to do. you can't take it?

Shane: What exactly does it say on the order page?

you: I want to add the e-values plan

Shane: Yes you can surely add the E-values plan. Select the plan and proceed further with your order and let me know if you have any questions.

Shane: I will be very happy to assist you with all your questions

you: its still updating my order

you: is this normal that it takes over 4 minutes. It is still "updating"

Shane: Please try refreshing your current page 2-3 times by pressing "F5" key on your keyboard.

you: 12/7/2009 5:53:18 PM Sorry, we are unable to continue your order at this time. Please try again later or contact your local Verizon business office for assistance.

Shane: It is just a web site error let me send you a fresh link to proceed further.

Shane: Please click here

Shane: Please select your phone plan and proceed further with your order process.

you: Please contact the Verizon local business office. 12/7/2009 5:58:02 PM Sorry, we are unable to continue your order at this time. Please try again later or contact your local Verizon business office for assistance. For Your Home Customer Service 1 800-VERIZON

Shane: I apologize for the error that you are facing on the web site, please try back after some time.

you: seems like I should stick with my previous carrier since it doesn't look like Verizon wants my business.

Shane: In that case I suggest that you place your order for your service using Internet Explorer 6.0 browser as Verizon website is not supported by Fire Fox browser.

you: thanks

Shane: Occasionally we do experience intermittent outages. Please try ordering on line again in a few hours.

Shane: I hope I have resolved your reason for contacting us today. Thank you for using Verizon's chat service. If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Your chat session has been terminated by the Verizon chat representative.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thankful for Sexy Pilgrims!

The world's first R&B pilgrim singing "The Sexy Pilgrim."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

"The 2009 Veterans Day Challenge" or "Where the Heck Is the War of 1812 Memorial?"

A bunch of Cheetos eatin', mouth breathin' history and web nerds joined me to see if we can visit memorials to all branches of the military and all the major US wars in three hours or less on Veterans Day. Around 20 stops are planned, can we do it?

7:03 AM We are off into the rainy and gray day with visits to the African American Civil War Memorial, John A. Logan statue (Civil and Mexican-American Wars) and General Winfield Scott (Mexican-American War).

7:30 AM United States Navy Memorial. Each spring sailors from the U.S. Navy's Ceremonial Guard pour water from the Seven Seas and the Great Lakes into the surrounding fountains "charging" them to life and ushering in the spring season. We also check out tributes to the Coast Guard Memorial and the Women of the Navy.

First fight of the day-- Jackson Square is in New Orleans. In Lafayette Park in DC is an equestrian statue of General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans. My confusion is understandable but calling my cell phone I left at home is not going to help me find your shivering, cold asses on 17th Street. Many valuable minutes lost here.

Here's the statue of Revolutionary War hero Lafayette. Or it might be General Jackson. Or a Jackson Brother (Tito).

The First Division Memorial (Army) on 17th St is closed off due to construction. There is a Desert Storm Memorial in there somewhere so we take credit for finding it anyway. Is it just me or is it that every where we go a Secret Service patrol car pops up?

The Red Cross, the WW II Memorial and The District of Columbia First World War Memorials get a drive-by since it is almost 8:30. The Secret Service follows us to World War II but turns around shortly thereafter.

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial reflects the day.

Often the Korean War is referred to as the "Forgotten War." We didn't forget it but due to some bad navigation walked south instead of north (or west instead of east?). Taking the pictures from a distance adds to the poignancy and saves my failing feet from another march across the Mall.

Check the time and it is 9:23 am. I'm hungry but we need to dash to across the river (via the Memorial Bridge symbolizing the reunification of the North and South after the Civil War yadda yadda yadda) to find the Navy-Merchant Marine Memorial on the GW Parkway. Unfortunately it too is surrounded by construction barriers so naturally we end up driving around the Reagan National Airport complex for a good ten minutes. Bitter accusations and hate speech may have occurred at this point.

Arlington Cemetery. All sorts of memorial stuff stuff found.

The Women in Military Service for America Memorial is located at the Ceremonial Entrance to Arlington National Cemetery and honors all women who have served in the United States Armed Forces.

10:00 AM and we still have Iwo Jima, the Air Force Memorial and the War of 1812 Memorial.

10:35.AM We are done. Twenty stops and 256 pictures! Three hours thirty minutes! Not bad! But wait, we still have the War of 1812 Memorial which is...uhm...well here is a shot of the
Francis Scott Key Bridge.

This post is dedicated to Air Force veteran Herb Sr (who turns 80 in December!) and follows his tourist philosophy of "Quick kids, take a picture and get back in the car! We can look at 'em when we get home!"

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Day After Halloween 13th St Style (My Annual Nov. 1 Post)

Nov 1, 2007

13th St NW Washington, DC

I'm sitting down to eat and the doorbell rings. Opening the door I see two unfamiliar young girls dressed neatly in jeans and sweatshirts.

"Do you have any Halloween candy left?"

"No" I said rather stunned.

"Okay" they mumbled and started down the sidewalk. No apology for disturbing my dinner. No explanation why they were a day late and a costume short.

Finally realizing that DC uncostumed candyscams had reached new heights in chutzpah I yelled "And I won't have any tomorrow night either!"

This post originally appeared in November 2007.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

If Your Blog Goes Stale, Have a Cheesesteak!

After not blogging for a while I feel that my comeback post should be something memorable--perhaps a scathing indictment of the Health Care debate or some funny story with a sad twist at the end that brings a tear. Upon reading this entry, Herb of DC fans everywhere would rise as one and say "Who the heck wrote this for Herb?"

So I'll write about Cheesesteaks.

Not Cheese Steaks.

Cheesesteaks from JJs Cheesesteaks 1939 14th St NW (corner of 14th and U). 202-518-7777. Authentic Philly style Cheesesteaks here in the 'hood.

I have to admit I've never had a Philly Cheesesteak in Philly. I've had them here in DC from various "delis" with ingredients consisting of a variety of beef, chicken, sausage, pepperoni, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, green peppers, mushrooms, spinach, chipotle peppers, olives, capers, eggplant and memorably once--shrimp.

Cheese toppings have ranged from provolone to mozzarella to apple wood smoked cheddar. Spices from salt and pepper to oregano to cumin.

Shall I mention the local "deli" option of a whole wheat bun?

After sampling an "All American" during JJs soft opening (lean steak, chicken, onions on a soft white sub roll topped with American cheese) I was 5th in line for today's Grand Opening at Noon.

The Special: $1.99 Cheesesteaks from Noon to 4:00 am. (today only).

I ordered the "Ben Franklin" or the "BF" as the staff called it. Extra lean thinly sliced rib eye steak grilled to perfection with onions on a soft white sub roll topped with provolone cheese and Cheez Whiz. Yes Cheez Whiz! It's authentic baby, straight from the City of Brotherly Love and Cheese Food products!

After one or two bites of culinary heaven I now know why Philadelphia football fans once famously booed Santa Claus at halftime--they thought he was there to take their beloved Cheesesteaks back to the North Pole to feed Mrs. Claus and those hungry, hungry elves.

Did I mention that they are Heavenly? (The Cheesesteaks, not the elves).

At 14th and U. Now serving.

Rapturously Yours,



Recently the FTC published rules requiring bloggers to disclose when they are writing about a sponsor's product or have been supplied samples or other gifts. My uncompensated endorsement here today is based purely on my own purchases this week; however, I would consider weekly rave reviews of JJs in exchange for a steady supply of Cheesesteaks and Beta Blockers.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Yes I Still Have a Blog

Quite frankly this was not a good summer. I rarely blogged and what I posted was even more uninspired than usual. I even stopped reading your blog. Sorry!

Thank you to those who sent me a private message checking in. It was appreciated.

Things are much better now but my life still feels out of sorts. Discordant. Rather like the attached video. Especially starting at 1:30.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Goodbye Crack House Bathroom!

I finally decided--the 3rd floor Crack House Bathroom has got to go! Not the best time financially to do this but I can't take any more of the bizarro 80's layout with leaky outdated fixtures, a desk area, two window seats,an interior Peek-A-Boo interior window, two phone jacks, gray "industrial" carpeting and a floor that is 3 inches higher on one side from the other.

Using Servicemagic to help screen contractors I eventually settled on JNR Construction of Port Republic, MD. which promises:

#1 in customer service
Your own personal project manager from plan to finish
Over 20 yrs experience
Competitive prices Top value

Okay, maybe it wasn't the lowest bid (or the highest) but I felt comfortable with owner, John Jimenez who had some helpful ideas in the intial planning.

I won't miss the cracked, cold water only sink with the interior window that looked out into the master bedroom.

What was in the purpose of those window seats, anyway?

The demolition begins and J N R Construction gets busy! And I really need to select the tile...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

When Your Mom Calls Your Work

MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan has been airing hidden camera footage of the Washington Post's Jonathan Capeheart eating a bagel on camera.

Jonathan's mom is not amused and calls in to give Dylan a dressing down like only a mom can do. I'm sure the producers thought this would be an amusing segment but instead it becomes more and more uncomfortable. I'd post the actual Bagelgate footage but I don't want Ms. Capeheart calling me!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Fu-Tile Part 1

Let's say that despite the pretty pictures on your blog you are design and color challenged. Let's just pretend okay? I didn't say this is about ME!

So despite your current financial, employment and other life challenges you decide that now would be a good time to renovate a master bath. Remember this is just in theory, a theory like "Evolution" or "Kate 2.0."

After several trips around town to various tile emporiums you are overwhelmed by the selection of porcelain, ceramic, stone, slate, marble, sandstone, granite, metal, glass, limestone or travertine tiles all costing the equivalent of the price of an education at one of America's prestigious colleges such as Monroe College.

What's a boy to do? Let's explore more for our hypothetical home owner, "Bert."

Option # 1 is from the Tile Shop". Classically handsome "Bert" likes classic but fashionable slate tile but doesn't want slate tile with boring old slate trim. The nice young salesperson at the Tile Shop ("Calvin") recommend using 1" X 1" glass tile along with the slate as a "focal wall" in the shower and the back splash over the vanity. There's also something about a one inch strip of the glass tile along side of the 16" X 16 " slate squares on the floor. In addition there are 15" X 23" and 4" X 4" slate tiles applied on various walls and floors.

A "knee wall" is also required to be encased in slate tile. The "knee wall" surrounds a toilet.

The mind boggles.

What have I, I mean "Bert" been doing wrong all these years without a "knee wall?"

Mongolian Desert Slate Tile

Hartford Glass Mosaic


Do you think this combination will work? Is this too busy?

Are slate tiles already a passe 2008 trend like matching 401K contributions or "Change We Can Believe In?"

How many bathrooms have you seen this year and why? What tile trends have you noticed? By the way who was holding back your hair?

Please describe your first encounter with a "knee wall." Did your mind boggle?

Is this all a huge waste of money since no one will ever see "Bert's" shower anyway?

Up soon, Option 2:

"Tumbled" Travertine with Listellos. Dry.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Mr President, You Are the Champion of Our Hearts!

Happy Birthday Mr. President! It must have been a special August 04 only 48 years ago in Kenya Hawaii.

You're the champion of my heart! You're the champion of my heart!
Cast away the shadows and brace yourself for battle!
'Cause you're the champion of my heart! You're the champion of my heart!
There's only room for one on top. You had the world and you threw it all away.

Let's not forget Michelle Obama on Barack's special day. How about these exercises to keep those arms toned?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sunday Dinner--The Video

Growing up we didn't have brunch after church, we had Sunday dinner. After Sunday dinner we would clog, of course.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Eating a Rainbow

Eating a rainbow is easy in the summertime after a trip to the farmer's market and, please don't hate, Whole Foods.

Ahh...quiet yet colorful August dinners.

Grilled mango salad.

Cajun catfish, corn on the cob, green rice and plantain and peppers stir fry.

Not pictured, the already mangled peach-blackberry pie.

Pug's Easy Peach-Blackberry Pie

One cup of fresh blackberries
2 fresh peaches peeled and sliced
Melt 1 stick butter
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup flour
1 egg (beaten)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Pour into frozen pie shell and bake at 350 degrees for one hour or until done
(you may want to cover the edge of the pie with foil to prevent burning). Remember to take picture of pie before eating as an appetizer.

So why am I single? Oh yeah, that isolation thing. Oh well. I'm working on it.

JK Divorce Entrance Dance

It was inevitable that someone would do this...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

DC Jury Duty by the Numbers

Date: 7/30/2009

Arrival Time: 7:59 am

Number of times Jury Service deferral had been requested: 1

Juror's Office location: Room 3130

Number of potential Jurors seated in Juror's Lounge: 185

Number of men who exchanged cell phone numbers with Girl with Flower in Her Hair: 2

Men in shorts: 4

Men in muscle T shirts: 1

Women in flip flops: 12

Men in flip flops: 2

Male bloggers wearing a fashionable yet appropriate sweater vest and tie on a 90 degree day: 1

Men wearing baseball caps: 4

Women wearing hats: 0

Women dressed like Hillary Clinton: 28

Batman water bottles carried: 1

Number of men dressed Like Col. Sanders with the exception of one leg of the white pants tucked into his black sock: 1

Number of times the Clerk said "Good Morning!" at the beginning of the orientation before the crowd gave an acceptable enthusiastic reply: 3

Number of times Girl with Flower in Her Hair announced during orientation that the water was out in the Lady's room: 2

Number of times Girl with Flower in Her Hair announced during orientation that the water was out in the Men's room: 1

Number of people who wondered how she knew the status of the Men's room water supply: 182

Age of movie broadcast in Juror's Lounge: 14 years ("Sabrina" 1995)

Number of back issues of "Full Court Press" ("The Newsletter of the District of Columbia Courts!") available in the Juror's Lounge: 3

Number of back issues of "Full Court Press" using the term "southern Mesoamerica": 1

Jurors invited to the first panel in Room 311: 60

Lunch break start time: 1:00 pm

Lunch break end time: 2:30 pm

Number of men previously wearing a Muscle T who returned after lunch in a new outfit that was slightly more professional but still inappropriately form fitting for a man over 40 outside of an Abercrombie and Fitch store not that it was noticed or judged: 1

Length of time Juror 904 spent in Jurors box as a potential Juror: 9 minutes

Length of time Juror 904 made soon-to-be regrettable promises to his Higher Power: 9 minutes

Dismissal time: 3:45 pm

Juror pay: $4.00

Number of men Girl with Flower in Her Hair was last seen talking to on the Green Line: 3

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Georgetown Park Lie

Yes when I yelled into your crowded stall "Check my blog tomorrow for your picture" and waved my camera phone as I exited the 2nd floor Men's room I was lying. Both regular readers of this blog know I don't really know how to use my camera phone. However, this did get you to loudly zip up and later I saw both of you sprinting out of Georgetown Park Mall in opposite directions.

Really, there is no excuse for this behavior. This isn't 1977 and Georgetown Park is hardly Studio 54.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Zubaz Are Back!

Zubaz are back but did they ever really go away? I suspect I still have a vintage pair somewhere along with my old beat-up Doc Martens, pictures of me in my Rachel haircut and my pre-401 K investments in Beanie Babies.

As the ad says "Have you been wondering where you could get a new pair to match your lifestyle? Here they are."

To Zubaz! A toast! With Zima!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

When a Tree Falls in Shaw

Looking out my front door July 23, 2009 3:10 pm.

The 20 foot + tall crepe myrtle in full bloom was no match for the afternoon storm.

Was it lightning?

Photos: Roy Omar Alexander

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Who Doesn't Love Keyboard Cat?

Perez Hilton and Haley Joel Osment get played off!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Unisolating My Life with Skippy the Licensed Therapist

Recently during our weekly session Skippy the Licensed Therapist (STLT) suddenly looked up from his iPhone and said "You isolate yourself too much. This is the root cause of many of your problems. You will never fix your medical problems without also addressing this"

Herb: Huh?

STLT: To erase it you must face it.

Herb: You stole that from Suze Orman!

STLT: You need more funemployment.

Herb: That's Clark Howard!

STLT: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.

Herb: Why are you channeling "Steel Magnolias"?

STLT: Fake it until you make it!

Herb: AA?

STLT: I'm sure when the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose. So, thank God we're celebrating him now.

Herb: That's from Liza. And we weren't even discussing Michael Jackson yet. Pay attention!

STLT: Your insurance only covers 8 more sessions this year.

Herb: OK, Gotcha!

So I am trying to unisolate which is very difficult when you have had 15 + years perfecting being a loner--admittedly the cute, nice kind of loner not the bitter, crazy type that shoots up Whole Foods when they are out of pecan crusted trout.

So last weekend I participated in the following unisolating activities:


JessiCub and I worked in my much neglected garden. And by worked I mean I pointed at the mounds of decaying dog poo and he picked them up while explaining his get rich plan that somehow includes Twitter, naked Bear Happy Hour and Tyra Banks.

14th and U Farmers Market

Okay I am there ever Saturday anyway but now I know that it is a medically prescribed procedure like green tea enemas. I lingered over the peaches and talked about the weather. Good practice! Apparently unisolated people like to talk about the weather a lot.


Some of the restaurants I order food from for delivery actually have an interior space where you can "dine in." Who knew? Sunday I went to Cafe Salsa on 14th St and I have to say it was wonderful! I believe we talked about the weather.

I plan on more unisolated activities soon. If you see me, please be gentle and only discuss the weather. Or organic enemas. I'm just a beginner!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

So Why Aren't Your Posts Showing Up On My Wall Anymore?

Cathy: So why aren't your posts showing up on my wall anymore Herb? Did you "hide" me?

Nope, Cathy. I've been taking a break from Facebook for about a month. No more Farmtown, endless self-indulgent quizzes or Michael Jackson mash up videos.

It's actually kinda nice, although really I have no excuse now for ignoring my blog. I do have more time to watch Operation Repo, the best fake reality show on TV.

This is their "Beat It" repo salute to Michael Jackson, I guess. Seems like I really can't escape him after all!

More Repo cast pictures...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Cab Ride

"Dupont Circle please" I told the driver as I climbed into his cab today.

"Where in Dupont?" he asked.

"Anywhere. I'll find it."

I don't recall much of the short trip from U Street and mostly was lost in thoughts about my 11:00 am meeting.

Arriving at the circle I handed him $6.00 for the $4.25 fare, giving him a five and a one.

He handed me the dollar bill back.

Not sure he understood I attempted to give him the dollar again and he silently waved it off.

This interchange dominated my thoughts today and I still ponder its meaning.

Maybe there is no meaning but that dollar bill is now on my refrigerator door and I see it each time I walk into the kitchen. I know I need to do something with it but for now it will remain there until I better understand.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Live Blogging the Michael Jackson Memorial Service

CNN's Anderson Cooper just said...or maybe we should just shut our eyes for a minute...


Monday, July 6, 2009

Happy Fur of July!

Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul in her fur trimmed outfit on the Mall for the PBS broadcast of A Capitol Fourth.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what I mean to mink."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Phone Call

The Real Housewives of New Jersey phone call after the reunion:

Monday, June 29, 2009

Thriller Album Mint Condition $800?

Seriously? Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album on Craigslist for $800? I have at least one copy in near mint condition I've found so far. There may be two more in the basement. Maybe all this hue and cry will be worth it.

For me.

Make me an offer.

More from the Couch

After the huge response from last weekend's post, not to mention that everyone is now whispering "How come all of a sudden Herb has all this time to update his blog during the day?", I feel I must publish more of the wit and logic of JessiCub, my very own couch surfing non-paying temporary tenant And by temporary I mean when he first took perch on the couch I was still blogging daily about Sarah Palin the VP candidate, goiters and the joys of the corn harvest 2008.

So instead of posting my hot naked mafioso XXX pictures of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" (Google search please note this) and my word-for-word analysis of the table flipping episode (I am mildly obsessed with this show) I now present JessiCub Monday!


On my panic attacks:

"I have them also. Sometimes I think I've lost my Blackberry and panic and then remember I had hidden it in my crotch. "


On the "Real Housewives of New Jersey":

"I've seen real snuff films and felt less personally violated."


After warning him not to eat the eight day old lasagna from the fridge:


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Pioneer Daze

I don't think we have had an update on JessiCub lately, my personal assistant, couch surfer and dog walker. And by dog walker I mean he carries previously mobile dogs from room to room.
And by personal assistant I mean he eats my food.

In reference to the newly purchased organic peanut butter...

JessiCub: Have you tried that peanut butter yet?
Herb: Yes, it's good.
JessiCub: Don't you think it is kind of oily?
Herb: You have to stir it each time to distribute the oil.
JessiCub: I didn't think I would have to churn my own peanut butter every morning...

Friday, June 26, 2009

Okay Enough Already!

I mean yes he is the King of Pop, but he certainly is no Princess of Our Hearts.
I am beginning to agree with this blogger.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael and Farrah and Martha and Samsung

I was going to write a long whining post about how today both my two month old Martha Stewart Salad Spinner and my two month old Samsung Healthy Living BSD-3007 Deluxe Thinline See-Thru Flat Screen Blood Pressure Monitor with Irregular Heartbeat Detector stopped working.

Given that Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died today, I think I should just STFU for once in my life.

RIP my Angel and the King of Pop.

Click here for Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chelsea Lately's "Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Special" Parody


"You're a WHORE!"

"We will beat your ass!"


This spoof seems almost word-for-word what I remember of the actual RHoNJ reunion except with the addition of Blair's cousin, Geri Jewell from the classic TV sitcom "Facts of Life" wanting to become the newest housewife.

Loud. Obnoxious. Twisted. Sick. But it made me laugh at 3:00 AM I'm embarrassed to say. And I'm not a Chelsea Handler fan at all.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Arlington: The Rap

Arlington: The Rap. For my homies trying to keep it real on the mean streets of Clarendon and Ballston.

Well I barely beat this into the Washington Post which must mean everyone and their Real Estate Agent saw this last week. My apologies if this is already stale. It's rare these days I even remember I have a blog much less try to update it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Real World DC--Please Take My House!

Dear MTV "The Real World" Producers:

It seems like the worst kept secret in DC is finally official-- the 23rd season of "The Real World" will start shooting in DC in a Dupont Circle house around June 20th.

DC is hardly known to be the World Capital of Good Behavior but with all the screaming and protests from your neighbors, you would think MTV was planning to host "Tila Tequila's Shot of the Dallas Cowboys" on S St instead of another edition of the creaky coming-of-age egofest.

There are anti "Real World" blogs and community meetings to express concern over this drunken invasion and now rumors abound that the cast is afraid to come to DC. Isn't this a bit of an overreaction to a show that everyone claims to have stopped watching years ago?

Here's my solution: move into my dilapidated retro house.

First of all I don't live in Dupont Circle. DUPONT CIRCLE? Seriously? That would be a great location for "The Real World 1982" but this is 2009, the Reagans are no longer in the White House and MTV doesn't play music any more.

Shaw is where it is at. Shaw, baby. U Street. Center of the Obama celebrations. In other words, my neighborhood. Where you can still walk home at 9:00 am in your underwear and people barely give you a glance.

The Real World Shaw!

Would you rather film a house member hysterically breaking up via Twitter with that nice guy back home who doesn't under the stress she is under at Connecticut Avenue's Anne Taylor's Loft or at the gay sports bar Nellies? Johnny Rockets or Ben's Chili Bowl? Chipotle or Dukems? Red Line or Green Line? Are these really questions that have to be answered? What, are you drunk? Oh wait, of course you are!

That fake-ass job for the house members that was added a few seasons back? I have my "Recession Garden" the group can pretend to work between blackouts and fights. Toilet in a small. cramped enclosure with a door to hide behind when whispering amongst each other about who in the house might be a tranny? Got it!

Dirty, viral infected hot tub?


Underutilized exercise equipment?


Aquarium? Well I have a leaky roof. If this rain continues...yeah.

So Producers, stop dealing with the Dupont Circle hysteria and slosh your way over to my place where general douchery, bad decor and questionable decorum has reigned for years. The neighbors are already used to my guests hurling into the bushes and god knows there has been enough alcohol purchased at the Whitelaw Market on the way to my house over the years to sink even Ruthie's liver.

Oh and one more thing, like "The Real World Brooklyn" this cast will have 8 members not the usual 7. I am staying to chaperon the feuds, hookups and the over-the-top examinations of lives not yet worth examining. I've learned the hard way what happens when you rent to people under the age of 26 who stop being polite and start getting real.



Wednesday, June 3, 2009

My YouTube Coma

During my sinus infection, Ativan and alcohol juice induced coma Monday, did I possibly see over and over on VHI a commercial that featured race car driver Danica Patrick signing man boobs? Oh YouTube please tell me this was just another Ativan side effect along with my blurred vision, confusion, constipation, decreased hearing, depression, slurred speech, and sweating?

After seeing moobs, one needs to see something good on YouTube. Something uplifting yet dramatic. One with lots of symbolism and metaphors like they put in the music videos of the 80s 'cause we were deep back then due to the war in Grenada, the Reagans and very special episodes of Family Ties. Something like a literal-video in which the lyrics express EXACTLY what is happening visually, like in this retelling of Bonnie Tyler's overwrought 1983 power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

"What kind of private school would let in these kind of guys?
It started out Hogwarts now its Lord of the Flies"

Friday, May 29, 2009

Peaches and Herb One More Tme!

With news that Peaches and Herb has a new album set to debut, "Colors of Love", I look forward to a new generation yelling "Hey Herb, where's Peaches?"

Gee, haven't heard that in a week or two.

No really this is great news! Is it possible that it's been 30 years since "Reunited" topped the charts?

As I wrote about last year in a somewhat blind item "The Greatest Blog Post I Didn't Write", Herb (Fame) Feemster has kept his job all along at the U.S. Court of Appeals for Veterans Claims, where he works as a deputized court security officer for the U.S. Marshals Service.

In honor of TGIF and their new album, today I will shake my groove thing, shake my groove thing, yeah, yeah.

The new CD may be ordered here.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Buffalo Thunder in Shaw 2009

Each year on the Sunday before Memorial Day, hundreds of members of Buffalo Soldiers and Troopers Motorcycle Clubs from around the country rally at the African American Civil War Memorial in Shaw to lay a wreath at the Memorial's Wall of Honor which lists the names of 200,000 + African American troops who served in the Civil War. The clubs are named in honor of the legacy of the Buffalo Soldiers, which were comprised of former slaves, freemen and Black Civil War soldiers, who first served in the U.S. Army during peacetime after the Civil War.

A couple of hours of inspiring speakers, pageantry, music, costumes and house-shaking noise from hundreds of motorbikes, so what was missing? Well mostly the neighborhood. Sadly I was one of a handful non-club members present. The rally was held at the plaza at top of one of the U Street Metro exits but still the reaction of people arriving to the surface was a blase "Oh, look hundreds of bikers. Now which way to Ben's?"

So I represented. And darn well!

This rally appropriately takes place in Shaw since the neighborhood is named for Robert Gould Shaw (October 10, 1837-July 1863) who was the commander of the all African American 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry which entered the Civil War in 1863. Col. Shaw and his troops were the subject of 1989 film "Glory."
After the cermony the Buffalo soldiers queued up and rode to the Mall to join the better known "Rolling Thunder: Ride for Freedom."

One of the costumed ushers

The Buffalo Soldiers arrive!

Most are wearing the black and gold club colors

Bikes lined up on Vermont during the ceremony

The laying of the Wreath Ceremony

After the ceremony, the bikers head to the Mall.

Copy of the General Order 143 "Establishing the U.S. Colored Troops" that was handed out to the crowd: (click to enlarge)