You Missed My Birthday!

Again!

But Herb Sr remembered:

The Annual Birthday Call from Herb Sr:

(Ring)
"Hello"
"This is your Dad-Happy Birthday!"
"Aw thanks. How are you..."
" Whoops, commercial break for American Idol is over. Have a good birthday. Your card is in the mail."
(click).

The Ten Most Depressing Christmas Songs

From Buzzfeed The 10 Most Depressing Christmas Songs

Christmas Time Is Here

Pass out the kiddie Zoloft

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Hide the good liquor and the "dolls"

That Was The Worst Christmas Ever

The title says it all

Last Christmas

If only

Hard Candy Christmas

Needs more Dolly

Blue Christmas

Unfortunately I only "hear" Herb Sr imitating Elvis singing this. Technically child abuse.

The Christmas Shoes

Depressing and loathsome

Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas)

Admittedly the best Christmas song title ever

If We Make It Through December

Never heard of it but good luck.


Maybe I counted wrong--blame my depression!

"The 2009 Veterans Day Challenge" or "Where the Heck Is the War of 1812 Memorial?"

A bunch of Cheetos eatin', mouth breathin' history and web nerds joined me to see if we can visit memorials to all branches of the military and all the major US wars in three hours or less on Veterans Day. Around 20 stops are planned, can we do it?

7:03 AM We are off into the rainy and gray day with visits to the African American Civil War Memorial, John A. Logan statue (Civil and Mexican-American Wars) and General Winfield Scott (Mexican-American War).



























7:30 AM United States Navy Memorial. Each spring sailors from the U.S. Navy's Ceremonial Guard pour water from the Seven Seas and the Great Lakes into the surrounding fountains "charging" them to life and ushering in the spring season. We also check out tributes to the Coast Guard Memorial and the Women of the Navy.




















First fight of the day-- Jackson Square is in New Orleans. In Lafayette Park in DC is an equestrian statue of General Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans. My confusion is understandable but calling my cell phone I left at home is not going to help me find your shivering, cold asses on 17th Street. Many valuable minutes lost here.

Here's the statue of Revolutionary War hero Lafayette. Or it might be General Jackson. Or a Jackson Brother (Tito).

























The First Division Memorial (Army) on 17th St is closed off due to construction. There is a Desert Storm Memorial in there somewhere so we take credit for finding it anyway. Is it just me or is it that every where we go a Secret Service patrol car pops up?

The Red Cross, the WW II Memorial and The District of Columbia First World War Memorials get a drive-by since it is almost 8:30. The Secret Service follows us to World War II but turns around shortly thereafter.

The Vietnam Veterans Memorial reflects the day.


















Often the Korean War is referred to as the "Forgotten War." We didn't forget it but due to some bad navigation walked south instead of north (or west instead of east?). Taking the pictures from a distance adds to the poignancy and saves my failing feet from another march across the Mall.

















Check the time and it is 9:23 am. I'm hungry but we need to dash to across the river (via the Memorial Bridge symbolizing the reunification of the North and South after the Civil War yadda yadda yadda) to find the Navy-Merchant Marine Memorial on the GW Parkway. Unfortunately it too is surrounded by construction barriers so naturally we end up driving around the Reagan National Airport complex for a good ten minutes. Bitter accusations and hate speech may have occurred at this point.

Arlington Cemetery. All sorts of memorial stuff stuff found.
















The Women in Military Service for America Memorial is located at the Ceremonial Entrance to Arlington National Cemetery and honors all women who have served in the United States Armed Forces.




















10:00 AM and we still have Iwo Jima, the Air Force Memorial and the War of 1812 Memorial.



















10:35.AM We are done. Twenty stops and 256 pictures! Three hours thirty minutes! Not bad! But wait, we still have the War of 1812 Memorial which is...uhm...well here is a shot of the Francis Scott Key Bridge.



















This post is dedicated to Air Force veteran Herb Sr (who turns 80 in December!) and follows his tourist philosophy of "Quick kids, take a picture and get back in the car! We can look at 'em when we get home!"

The Notorious H.E.R.B. Sr.

I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:

High School Musical 5
Inaugural Balls
HOOKERS CAUGHT ON TAPE
do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida
miss america susan powell
Herb Recipe Magazine
esoteric herb
real hookers caught on Tape
what do they do at the inagural ball
maveric Herb
DC brothel
orville redenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob
etc

Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!

Wait, "esoteric herb?"

That's a new one!

Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.

Awesome!

Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.

I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?

Some choice lyrics to "Herb"

You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time
But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme
A herb, if you claim your raps is official
But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue

Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:

A herb, actually, better yet a joke
If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke
If you traded in your comic books and stamps
For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants
You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump
But go to school tying your bandana in the front
"Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd
Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb
Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame
But hide yaself online with a fake screen name

More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:

You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads
Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads
A herb, if you never pay for a date
A big herb if you never reciprocate

And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:

A herb, if you steal out the tip cup
If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up
You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this
If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless
If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans
If you dis the goon group because you left a bean
You're a herb, m*therf*cker

I don't even know where to begin.

Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class.

Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:

Herb

1) (on the streets) A stupid person.

2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.

3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.

Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...

5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t

Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.

And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this?

So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.

It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.

This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result: Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.

Don't mess with Herb Sr, people!

Need Inaugural Tickets? Just Calm Down People and Avoid the Scams!

So who is in a panic trying to find tickets to the Inauguration? If you are Oprah, Gayle, Grandma Biden, Katie Couric, teachers at the Chicago Lab School, Tina Fey, Amtrak conductors, Joy Behar, Bruce Springsteen, John Stewart or are from Scranton, don't worry, you are in. You may confidently purchase your ball attire. If you are a Kennedy, most likely you are in except for, well you know who you are.

Those who are going to a Ball to Nowhere: Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joe the Plumber Country Singer, Aunt Zeituni, Bill Ayers, Scarlett Johansson, anyone Lieberman, Jeremiah Wright, Chuck Norris and the State of Alaska. Hope you kept those receipts!

So for the rest of you, how will you get tickets? How can you avoid being scammed or paying high prices for free tickets? I answer many of your emails below.

Dear Herb of DC:

Please send me tickets to the Inauguration Swearing-In ceremony. Could you also include a check refunding your Mother's and my contribution for your 4 years of college at that Prestigious Basketball University? I thought by now you would be a big-shot corporate executive not that I am not proud that you are a Systems Analyst III at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit.

Thanks

Herb Sr (Retired)

P.S. Please have that check certified

Dear Herb Sr (Retired):

You have a much better chance than I do to obtain tickets! Put down your remote control, pick up your JitterBug phone and contact your Congressman or Senator in one of those Red States you live in and ask to be put on the list for one of the 250,000 free Swearing-In ceremony tickets. You must pick the tickets up in person the week before the inauguration.

There will also be space on the Mall that will not require tickets.

It's already too late to request tickets if you live in DC. Rep. Eleanor "Holmes Rule" Norton has said "Yes We Can't" and asked that people stop contacting her for tickets. Just STOP it people!

Whoops!

Looks like she forgot to tell the webmaster on her campaign site.

You should also know that no website or other ticket outlet actually has Inaugural Swearing-In tickets to sell, regardless of what they may claim.

"Any website or ticket broker claiming that they have inaugural tickets is simply not telling the truth," said Howard Gantman Staff Director for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies. "Tickets for the swearing-in of President-elect are all provided through members of Congress, and the President-elect and Vice President-elect through the Presidential Inaugural Committee. We urge the public to view any offers of tickets for sale with great skepticism."

Find your very own representatives here.

Love,

Herbie of DC

P.S. Could I send you some pumpkins instead?

Dear Herb of DC:

I am desperate to go to an Inaugural Ball. I will do anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Sexual favors, house cleaning for a year, dog sitting, limericks, free legal advice, etc. I see websites offering tickets now for outrageous sums to Inaugural Balls. Are these legit?

Sincerely

Pink Crocs in the Drive-Thru Lane

P.S. Did I mention that I would do ANYTHING?

Dear Pink:

Take a cold shower, chant "Yes We Can" and calm the heck down! The locations of the Official Inaugural Balls have not been announced. The Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC), which hasn't even been established yet is responsible for all official balls and galas hosted in honor of the newly-elected President.

Be very cautious in purchasing these tickets online now unless you are purchasing tickets for one of the unofficial Inaugural balls and you can confirm the ball's existence. Exercise great restraint in purchasing tickets to a ball with a location of TBA, has a generic name like "Inaugural Ball" or has tickets that cannot be delivered yet. Those sound like a croc of a scam to me.

Fashionably Yours,

Herb of DC

P.S. Could you define "anything" in the form of a limerick? Oh wait, you did last week.


Dear Herb of DC:

Okay Mr. Smarty, so what's the difference between an official and unofficial Inaugural Ball?

Violating My Restraining Order,

Dave the Auditor

Dear Dave:

That's easy, Dave. Barack twirling Chris Matthews Michelle around the dance floor. Joe and Jill Biden's J-Setting dance routine. These take place at the official balls. You will also see politicians, celebrities and people from all around the country celebrating this historic moment. You may also find overcrowding, uninspired food choices, long lines for coat checks and stout Swing State women wearing the best of The Quacker Factory. Ticket proceeds from these balls are used to offset the cost of the inauguration.

The unofficial balls are often more fun with better music and entertainment but there is only a remote chance that you will see some presidential star dust. Unofficial balls are hosted by state societies, veterans organizations, universities, Gay and Lesbian organizations and entertainment media. Celebrities, politicians and ordinary folk will be seen exchanging fist bumps and most likely be better dressed and better fed.

Unofficially Yours,

Herb of DC


Dear Dude of DC:

I had a dope sky Presidential Seal Beer Bong made especially for the Inaugural balls. Which ball venue will be the best for heavy dude partying?

Regards,

DC Hipster Prince

Dear Hipster:

Try Clinton's first Inaugural.

Party on,

Herb of DC

Dear Douche of DC:

But you still haven't told us how to get tickets to Inaugural Balls!

Getting Annoyed,

Doug in Las Felices

Dear DILF:

Okay, my friend here you go.

Start networking now! Do you have a relative in another state who is a party official or a big donor? That relative is now your favorite! Send homemade "Change Happened" cookies now! Have them start working their connections!

Call your own Senators and Representatives. Email anyone you know who worked on the Obama campaign. Continue making donations to the Democratic National Committee, State Parties or the Obama campaign. When The Presidential Inaugural Committee is formed contact individual members or any website they may set up. Don't forget to mention how you knocked on every door in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Florida until your knuckles bled.

Watch online for the unofficial balls as they open up. Buy your tickets now directly from the organizations (charging on a credit card for safety) and not through a ticket broker.

Do not pay cash for any of these tickets!

And if all else fails chill out and organize your own party.

Regards,

Herb of DC

P.S. Oh yeah the Inaugural Parade. Free bleacher seat tickets from your Representatives and Senators.

So...what are you inaugural plans?

Herb Sr Explains the Five Facts of Life!

Many years ago, on my last night at my parents house before I moved to Kentucky to make it big in the World of Banking, Herb Sr sat me down to explain the Five Facts of Life to me.

No, not these Five Facts of Life...























Or these…

















“Son,” he said, “Here are the Five Facts of Life you need to follow to guarantee success in the working world.”

1. Be the first to arrive
2. Be the last to leave
3. Always keep you shoes shined
4. Remember to put the toilet seat down
5. And never do drag at Halloween because you would totally look like Eleanor Roosevelt.

And he was right! Have a fun and safe Halloween!

Herb to Presidential Boo Birds: “Stop Now Before You Get Your Mouths Washed Out with Soap!”

What’s up with all the angry booing and name calling at the mention of the opposition during speeches and rallies for the 2008 Elections? Have you ever looked at your face in the mirror while you boo? As the “Sage of Central Florida” Herb Sr would say, “How would you like it if your face froze like that?“

I guess my aversion to booing goes back to high school in Southern Indiana. We were not allowed to boo. Nice people didn’t boo; it wasn’t very sportsmanlike. Schools that allowed booing were probably schools where students cheated on their SATS, drove over the speed limit, took French classes and smoked in the cafeteria. Boo friendly schools most likely did not host large chapters of the Future Farmers of America, have marching bands the size of Argentina or take coveted Senior Class trips to “Six Flags Over St Louis.”

If booing did break out say, during a football game, and if it did it would have to be for a serious infraction like arch rival Central whipping out an actual shotgun as part of the shotgun offense or the ankle bracelet wearing Mater Dei cheerleaders racing around the field perched on the back of a John Deere tractor and it was NOT Homecoming, the booing would quickly be squelched by one stern look from Mr. Kukendall or Mr. Henry. You especially feared Mr. Henry since this would be followed up with lengthy close range lecture during your Driver’s Ed practice and pray to God it wasn’t the session following the cafeteria lunch during “Salute to Sauerkraut” week.

When I was in college at Indiana University, booing was allowed within moderation but name calling was prohibited. In one famous incident, basketball coach Bobby Knight grabbed a microphone, stopped the game and berated us students for cursing. Although his own behavior and language was sometimes suspect he was the adult in the room so we accepted the admonition and obeyed.

So where are the adults in the room at these rallies? Why are the candidates allowing this booing, braying and shameful name calling? What are we going to do with all this anger and hate after November 4 that the candidates and their surrogates have stirred up?

Most importantly, what if your face DID freeze like that?









I admit I’ve made a few modest jokes about the campaign and especially enjoyed some fun at the expense of a certain VP candidate. But I don’t hate anyone, wish them ill will, hint at bogus terrorist ties, lie about their positions, call anyone a b*tch, hope they get cancer, die in a plane crash, pray to my God that my opposition does poorly in a debate or attempt to frighten people by the use of a middle name we were unfamiliar with many years ago in Indiana.

So what do we need to do to get some adults in the room? Since Coach Knight and Mr. Henry can’t be there at every rally, maybe the four at the top of the tickets would be a good place to start?

Let this be your warning McCain, Obama, Palin and Biden! If I don’t see immediate improvement in behavior at your rallies, I may have to pull Herb Sr out of retirement. He has plenty of soap, is a retired school principal and isn’t afraid to wash out a few mouths in the name of patriotism, unity, and good sportsmanship.