Snow People Who Look Like America Are Mocking Me!

It appears that DC Snow People resemble more and more the 64% of Americans who are overweight. Maybe I am just being overly sensitive due to the 7 pounds I have already picked up this Holiday season but I feel as though these Snow People are mocking me.

This portly man with a carrot nose at 13th and T NW reminds me that vegetables are not just for body parts.

This snow person at 14th and V NW is bedecked with orange slices and olives--you know that stuff that just takes up space in your drink.



















This is what happens to lazy Snow Children (14th and V NW) who spend too much time reading blogs.

























Eventually those "fun" Hawaiian shirts have to come off revealing the extra high cankles. (14th St NW)






















Next: Does Santa really see you when you are sleeping? Isn't that kinda pervy?

The Notorious H.E.R.B. Sr.

I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:

High School Musical 5
Inaugural Balls
HOOKERS CAUGHT ON TAPE
do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida
miss america susan powell
Herb Recipe Magazine
esoteric herb
real hookers caught on Tape
what do they do at the inagural ball
maveric Herb
DC brothel
orville redenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob
etc

Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!

Wait, "esoteric herb?"

That's a new one!

Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.

Awesome!

Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.

I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?

Some choice lyrics to "Herb"

You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time
But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme
A herb, if you claim your raps is official
But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue

Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:

A herb, actually, better yet a joke
If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke
If you traded in your comic books and stamps
For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants
You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump
But go to school tying your bandana in the front
"Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd
Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb
Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame
But hide yaself online with a fake screen name

More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:

You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads
Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads
A herb, if you never pay for a date
A big herb if you never reciprocate

And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:

A herb, if you steal out the tip cup
If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up
You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this
If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless
If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans
If you dis the goon group because you left a bean
You're a herb, m*therf*cker

I don't even know where to begin.

Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class.

Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:

Herb

1) (on the streets) A stupid person.

2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.

3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.

Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...

5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t

Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.

And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this?

So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.

It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.

This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result: Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.

Don't mess with Herb Sr, people!

Are You Blogging About Me While I am Blogging About You?

I’m still trying to find an acceptable tenant on Craigslist and so far, no luck. Okay, admittedly I have had a little fun with this and got some snarky blog material out if it but I am serious about getting a room mate. Why is this so difficult? All I want is someone gainfully employed who works long hours, is never home, has no furniture, is not crazy kind and is clean but not OCD about it. Yes I am being picky but this is for someone who will be living in my house with access to my private papers, the pets and the good liquor.

Each time I posted the ad for “Updated Sunny Bedroom in U St/Logan House” I got about 10-15 replies. About half immediately get rejected for seemingly replying to the wrong ad “I look forward to meeting you and your efficiency” or are breathtakingly pushy “Please send me pictures of the living room, kitchen, bathroom, deck and bedroom furnishings” or just plain weird “Do you have any problems with mice/roaches/flys? I require silence after Midnight.”

Many others get the boot based upon their MySpace or FaceBook profiles. Yes kids, we Baby Boomers are jealous of your technical savvy, internets prowess and muscle tone but we have managed to master basic Google searches. I think it is great that you like to get drunk with 20 or so of our closest friends and flash the camera but you are not going to do that in my house. That honor is solely reserved for the owner.

Two Craigslistians made it through all the preliminary rounds and toured the house. The first was just back from three years in Tanzania with the Peace Corps. I figured that after that experience my house with its minor flaws would seem like the Trump Palace to him. I liked him and attempted to contact him again to move forward but he never answered my emails. For all I know he is back in Tanzania under the Craigslist Tenant Protection program.

The second finalist had recently accepted a job as a writer for a professional blog. Who knew you could make money at this? He visited the house twice, met the pets and he finally informed me he was going to move into a group house. In Petworth. With five other guys. Probably from Tanzania.

So is it me? The house? The pets? The 80s decor? Did they discover that I was blogging about the experience and got scared away? Worse yet, is there someone out there blogging about me while I blog about him?

I discussed this with my therapist best friend and we decided to raise the rent to try to get some older, more stable applicants and I posted it again. Tonight I have someone taking the tour. Wish me luck! He is in the military and participates in triathlons. We have so much in common!

I can't shake the feeling though, that someone else is blogging about this. I spend the day launching various Google searches looking for their (my!) story by using combinations of keywords such as:

Herb, DC, Logan, U St Metro, $900, 13th St, Furnished, Dust Bunnies, Newly Remodeled Bathroom, Premature Male Pattern Baldness, Pets, Lucy and Lizzie, Stainless Steel, Eccentric, Café St Ex, Litter Box, Eclectic, Dish Drawers, Reserved, Scary Basement, Kristy McNichol Poster, Funny Smells, Granite, Basic Cable, Thighmaster, Radon Gas, Wine in a Box, Deck, Adult Acne, Fruit Flies, Viagra, Plaid on Plaid, Clothesline, Cackles, Vintage Toaster Collection, Jimmy Hoffa, Thai Porn, Green, Rachael Ray, Medical Test Results, Thrift Shop, High School Musical 2, Testim, Ear Hair, 2001 1040 Long Form Instructions, Full House Marathon, Leg Warmers, Awkward Silence, Lotrel 10/20, Mildew, Staring, Howler Monkeys, Leaks, Goiter, Salmonella, Duct Tape, Clown Art, Bad Breath, Stained, Boils, Inappropriately Touching Himself, Love Canal, Unibrow, On Street Parking, What Not to Wear, Close Talker, Garanimals, Lazy Eye, Cankles, Ostentatious Christmas Decorations, Tumescence, Snaggle Tooth.

So far I haven't found anything. If you see a posting, will you let me know?