Unisolating My Life with Skippy the Licensed Therapist

Recently during our weekly session Skippy the Licensed Therapist (STLT) suddenly looked up from his iPhone and said "You isolate yourself too much. This is the root cause of many of your problems. You will never fix your medical problems without also addressing this"

Herb: Huh?

STLT: To erase it you must face it.

Herb: You stole that from Suze Orman!

STLT: You need more funemployment.

Herb: That's Clark Howard!

STLT: Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.

Herb: Why are you channeling "Steel Magnolias"?

STLT: Fake it until you make it!

Herb: AA?

STLT: I'm sure when the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose. So, thank God we're celebrating him now.

Herb: That's from Liza. And we weren't even discussing Michael Jackson yet. Pay attention!

STLT: Your insurance only covers 8 more sessions this year.

Herb: OK, Gotcha!

So I am trying to unisolate which is very difficult when you have had 15 + years perfecting being a loner--admittedly the cute, nice kind of loner not the bitter, crazy type that shoots up Whole Foods when they are out of pecan crusted trout.

So last weekend I participated in the following unisolating activities:

Gardening

JessiCub and I worked in my much neglected garden. And by worked I mean I pointed at the mounds of decaying dog poo and he picked them up while explaining his get rich plan that somehow includes Twitter, naked Bear Happy Hour and Tyra Banks.

14th and U Farmers Market

Okay I am there ever Saturday anyway but now I know that it is a medically prescribed procedure like green tea enemas. I lingered over the peaches and talked about the weather. Good practice! Apparently unisolated people like to talk about the weather a lot.

Brunch

Some of the restaurants I order food from for delivery actually have an interior space where you can "dine in." Who knew? Sunday I went to Cafe Salsa on 14th St and I have to say it was wonderful! I believe we talked about the weather.


















I plan on more unisolated activities soon. If you see me, please be gentle and only discuss the weather. Or organic enemas. I'm just a beginner!

Not Quite Back in the Driver's Seat...

Yep I'm back. Been back a while now. I have stories to tell about Senior Citizenland, changes at work, sickness, Southwest Airlines, Roller Derby, the drag queen transgendered clerk at CVS, triple wides, Facebook and the challenges of doing business with family.

And that's the problem. I have stories to TELL. I don't feel like writing, Come over...pop open a beer and I will tell you how I have felt lately

TMI Thursday: The Kentucky Derby When I [Redacted]

The Kentucky Derby
1983

TMI Thursday [Redacted]

_____ ______ __ __ ____ best madras pants ____ __ ___ Kentucky Derby . ______ _____ _ ___________ _____ ____ _____ ____ ____ ______ _ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ _ _______ tickets to the ABC/VISA VIP Lounge.

___ ____ I ____ Karen Valentine! _______ __ _ ____ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ . ____ ____ stars____ as Slim Pickens, Norman Fell, Jenilee Harrison.

_ ___________ _____ ____ __ _______ ____ _ _ _________ ____ _____ ____ ____. __ ______ __________ __ _ third Mint Julep. ____ _____ _______ __ _ ____ ____ ________ ______ ____ Andy Warhol chatting with Charlene Tilton. ___ ____ _ _ _________ ____ _____ ____ ____ toupee. ______ _ ____ ____ _____ ____ __ ;____ ____ _______ _________ ____ _____.

The governors wife, the former Miss America and broadcaster ______ _____ _____ __________ ____ _____ _ ___________ _____ _______ ____ _ _ _________ ____ _____ ____ ____ ______ _ ____. ____ _____ ____ __ ____ ____ _______ _________ ____ _____ some nachos. ___ _____ ____ ____ __ ______ __________ toupee ____ ___ _____ ______. _ ___ ________. ___ ____ ___________ _____ _______ __ _ ____ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ _ ___________ _____ _______ ____ _ _to the Men's Room. __ ______ __________ __ _ ___ ________. ___ ____ _______ _____ _____ _ _ ___________ __________ _________ ____.

__ ____ _ __ _____ another Mint Julep ____ _____ _______ __ _ ____ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ _ ___________ _____ _______ and again ________ to the Men's Room. While staring down __ ___ toupee _ ___ __ _____ _ ___________. He yelled" _____ _______ ____ on my shoes!"

Running __ ____ _________ ____ _____ ____ ____ __ ______ __________ __ _ ___ Polly Holliday. ____ lent me ___ _____ __ wrap _____ __ _____. ________ ___ ____ ___________; _____ _______ __ _ ____ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ _ big security guard chasing us.

_______ ____ _ _ _________ ____ _____ ____ ____ ______ _ ____ ________ ______ ____ _____ _ swearing to never drink Mint Juleps again!

Other Less Redacted TIM Thursday Tales (courtesy of the Prom Queen of TMI Thursday, Live It, Love It)

Maxie's TMI Thursday: Janelle's Version

LBluca77's Don't Hate, Masturbate

I-66's TMI Thursday: Brown Out

Miss Scorpio's Pool Party for Two

Liebchen's TMI Thursday: "It's Okay, We've All Been There"

Sean's TMI Thursday: Accomplish the Impossible

Doug's TMI Thursday: Attack of the Feminine Product

f.B's Not in the Slightest Bit TMI

Lisa's In My Defense, This Was a Long, Long Time Ago

Shannon's TMI Thursday: Non-Instant Karma

Foggy Dew's TMI Thurday: A Tale of Too Much Cheddar

The Notorious H.E.R.B. Sr.

I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:

High School Musical 5
Inaugural Balls
HOOKERS CAUGHT ON TAPE
do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida
miss america susan powell
Herb Recipe Magazine
esoteric herb
real hookers caught on Tape
what do they do at the inagural ball
maveric Herb
DC brothel
orville redenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob
etc

Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!

Wait, "esoteric herb?"

That's a new one!

Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.

Awesome!

Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.

I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?

Some choice lyrics to "Herb"

You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time
But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme
A herb, if you claim your raps is official
But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue

Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:

A herb, actually, better yet a joke
If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke
If you traded in your comic books and stamps
For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants
You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump
But go to school tying your bandana in the front
"Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd
Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb
Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame
But hide yaself online with a fake screen name

More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:

You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads
Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads
A herb, if you never pay for a date
A big herb if you never reciprocate

And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:

A herb, if you steal out the tip cup
If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up
You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this
If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless
If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans
If you dis the goon group because you left a bean
You're a herb, m*therf*cker

I don't even know where to begin.

Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class.

Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:

Herb

1) (on the streets) A stupid person.

2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.

3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.

Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...

5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t

Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.

And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this?

So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.

It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.

This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result: Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.

Don't mess with Herb Sr, people!

Post Election Blues with Skippy the Licensed Therapist

My weekly appointment with Skippy the Licensed Therapist pretty much follows the same script.

We discuss:

1. My Tenant who pays rent yet never takes out trash
2. The Other Tenant who sleeps on a couch in exchange for walking the dogs and light chores
3. The unwalked dogs, incomplete light chores and piles of trash bags left in the kitchen
4. My deep and angst ridden blog and why I don’t give Skippy the URL
5. Skippy’s kitchen renovation
6. My boss
7. Skippy’s upcoming vacation
8. The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit
9. Skippy’s kitchen renovation
10. 1993
11. “The View”
12. Skippy
13. Moral deficiencies of mutual acquaintances
14. Skippy’s partner
15. My leaky roof
16. Skippy's kitchen renovation
17. My alleged "Problem"
18. Wrap-up and My Pledge to Try Harder
19. The status of my out-of-network reimbursement from Don’tCareFirstBlueCrossBlueShield.

This week I switched it up by revealing how depressed I am now that the election is over.

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D

Massive soul crushing "don't bother to take the little blue pill and am I too old to go Goth?" depression.

I thought I would be happy now since in general I am pleased with the election results. Plus:

No more coming home to hear Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann blathering about who has the bigger man crush for Barack on the All Obama Network.

No more channel surfing past Bill O’Reilly screaming about socialism, Keith Olbermann or the ladies of "The View."

No more pretending at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit gym that I am listening to my non-functioning iPod when I am really watching the ladies of “The View” on the overhead TV go at it gato a gato.

"So Skippy" I asked, "Why am I so blue?"

I looked up and there he was with his head nodding up and down and lightly snoring.

I should have kept to the script.

Update 11/06/08

Apparently others feel the same.