Saturday, July 28, 2007

Does This Sharpie Make My A** Look Big?

A headless performance artist boldly took on derogatory speech Saturday July 28 in what is apparently Hate Speech Central: The Red State leaning Starbucks at U Street/Logan Circle.

The mob of rich, racist, homophobic and hard snacking onlookers were invited to to take a break from the management of their Halliburton stock portfolios to write on the artist's body hateful phrases that they use freely such as "Butt Pirate", "Lard Ass" or "Laminate Countertops" in order to reclaim these slurs. Or something like that.


Drunken Head Shots: JessiCub
Product Placement: Frito-Lays

Wheel of Fortune at the DC F_rm_rs M_rk_t

D.C. FARMERS MARKET 1309 Fifth St. NE (202-547-3142). Year-round, Tuesdays through Thursdays, 7 a.m.-5:30 p.m.; Fridays and Saturdays, 7 a.m.-6:30 p.m.; Sundays, 7 a.m.-2 p.m.

Soon to become the new Reston, VA.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Bloody Harry Potter Plot Details Revealed During Mount Pleasant Rampage

July 21, 2007, the publishing debut of beloved children's author J.K. Rowling's funny and endearing "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

Spoiler Warning: True plot details may be leaked below? Or not...

A beautiful day shopping and reading J.K. Rowling's latest and sweetest fable in Mount Pleasant, Washington DC's first street car suburb. During its heyday, many Washington luminaries including actress Helen Hayes, Washington Senators' pitcher Walter Johnson, and US Senator Robert LaFollette made their homes in Mount Pleasant. Now one of the District's most ethnically diverse neighborhood, all gathered on Saturday to hysterically discuss Harry Potter's latest adventure.


Professor Charity Burbage was the first to be offed and now sings with the angels and sleeps with the fishes.

(Click pictures to enlarge)

No shirts, No shoes, No Hedwig the owl! Done in by a Hava Nagila curse!

Voldermort opens Alastor Moody's Fortune Cookie. Uh oh! Kung Pao Moody. To go!

During the wedding reception for Sukey Tawdry and Bill Weasley, Voldemort takes over the Ministry of Magic. Harry, Ron and Hermione flee in the Imperial Flying Chair and take a three hour tour. A three hour tour!

Must find Mad-Eye Louie Miller's eye! Which way to go? Follow the clues to the Enchanted Mount Pleasant Farmers Market!!!

Voldermort hurls a bolt of lightening at Helga Hufflepuff and alas, she is no longer currant.

Tears for Muggle-born witches and wizards.

Bellatrix Lestrange knocked back a spoiled polyjuice potion and should be turning a lovely shade of blue by now.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginger Grant don the Invisibility Cloak

Neville Longbottom is topped by the Horcruxes and now pushes up daisies.

Death Eaters attack and dozens of Hogwarts run through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and check into Ranch Eternity. Do not disturb! RIP Lucy Brown, Severus Snape, Johnny Bravo, Colin Creevey and Mrs Beasley.

Ron is now living-challenged, thanks to Nagini and his Ukulele of Death.

The ripe and luscious Hermione takes one for the home team and flashes Saint Peter. Hogwarts Gone Wild!

In preparation for the final Battle of the Hogwarts Death Eaters, Witches, Wizards, Centaurs, Cirque Du Soleil, Voldermort, and Harry assemble for a Mixed Magic Arts Smack Down.

The carnage continues and finally Harry comes face to face with Voldermort in the Great Mansion. Voldermort strikes Harry with the Really Hot Flaming Hallows Curse of the Elders, badly burning the young wizard. He screams for Jenny Diver to fetch a bucket of magical water from the Kings Cross Wash House but she is too late and Harry's 15 minutes of flames comes to a merciful end.



Photos: JessiCub
Book: Books-A-Million

Characters: J.K. Rowling, Kurt Weill, Sherwood Schwartz
"Plot" Spoilers: Internets and cheap Vodka
Mount Pleasant: Itself
Mount Pleasant Farmers Market: El Mercado de los Agricatiores (Los Sabados 9-1)
Mount Pleasant Bathroom: Logan/U St Bathroom
Money Saved: $17.99 (plus shipping)

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Harry Potter Mania at Books-A- Million

A diverse crowd of Database Jockeys, Java Junkies and Foreign Policy Wonks flocked to the Dupont Circle Books-A-Million party for the publishing debut of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

English Lit majors prepare boxes of cash for direct shipment to J. K. Rowling.

Future 40 Year Old Virgin

Local Personal Assistant to the Bears JessiCub gets his Muggles on.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Random Garden

13th St NW 6:43 am July 10, 2007

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Farmers Market Booty

Updated: 2008! The Market opens Saturday, May 10.

Bootylicious treats from the 14th and U St Farmers Market (every Saturday 9:00 am to 1:00 pm)(Closed for the season)

Mike Rowe, Art Carney and Cow Poo on "Larry King Live"

Mike Rowe

Larry King of the ironically titled "Larry King Live" on CNN attempted to get down and dirty with "real" people and talks poo.

On July 6, Mike Rowe of the grosstastic "Dirty Jobs" series on the Discovery Channel appeared along with some of the regular folks who have hosted Mike and allowed him to do such fun stuff as clean out septic tanks or stick his arm up a cow's a**. Think 4-H projects from Hell. "Dirty Jobs" is very funny due to Mike's sly self-deprecating humor and his sincere effort at performing the jobs while featuring real people who proudly perform unpleasant tasks that allow the rest of us to comfortably read blogs all day at our cushy desk jobs.

The show was hilarious thanks to Mike's banter and Larry's complete lack of familiarity with "Dirty Jobs." You can catch the show in re-runs or read the transcript using your inner Larry King voice.

Larry Doesn't Get It

KING: Are you surprised that it worked so well?

ROWE: I'm surprised how fast it worked. The show is really simple. It couldn't be simpler.

KING: How long has it been on?

ROWE: About 150 years now.


ROWE: It's been on three years

(I actually don't recall Larry laughing. I think it was more of a puzzled look like "You've been on the air as long as I have?")

ROWE: It's been on three years. We've done 152 jobs. And initially we wanted to do three hours and maybe 12 jobs. And what happened was I just messed up. People started watching. I didn't think it would happen.

My business model has been made based, really, on get involved with shows that are doomed to fail and thereby freeing up many months of off time.

KING: Good idea.

ROWE: For 18 years it worked great. I just miscalculated with "Dirty Jobs".


Larry Finally Gets It

KING: Do you pay these people?

ROWE: They're doing OK on their own.

To appear on the show?

KING: So you don't pay them?


KING: You don't pay them to appear?


KING: So it's their jobs and they're happy to show off these jobs to you?

ROWE: Absolutely.

KING: And not get paid for it?

ROWE: Absolutely.

KING: This show is a gold mine then.


Larry Talks Dirty

(Mike and Larry are joined by Les Swanson, septic tank cleaner)

KING: What makes you a great, great septic tank cleaner?

SWANSON: A poor sense of smell.


SWANSON: A lot of patience. I like to get dirty.

KING: You like to get dirty?


KING: What's the best thing about the job?

SWANSON: Oh, the satisfaction ...

Larry Makes a Relevant Cultural Reference

KING: One your heroes -- was Norton a hero of yours, from "The Honeymooners?" Gleason's guy, Norton?


KING: Art Carney.

SWANSON: Art Carney?

KING: He went down into the sewers.



SWANSON: I'm sorry. That was before my time, I guess.


SWANSON: I remember "The Honeymooners," is that it?

KING: "The Honeymooners".


KING: Norton worked the sewers.


ROWE: He's a young man, Larry.

SWANSON: Maybe I missed that part of it.

ROWE: He's a young man.

Larry Sends Al Gore Pot

(Matt Fruend a dairy farmer with a lot of cow poo on his hands makes "cow pots" that are actually a biodegradable plantable pot made of manure.

FREUND: Al Gore would love it. I'd love to give him one.

ROWE: Maybe we can -- gosh, do we know anybody who knows Al Gore?

KING: I know him.

FREUND: If you know him ...

ROWE: Oh, you know Al Gore?

FREUND: If you know Al Gore ...

KING: I'll get him a pot to him, right?

ROWE: Holy poo.

FREUND: There you go.


With different guests, but I found this funny clip of phone calls we would like to hear to Larry and his guests. (if you can't view this you might want to consider using Mozilla/Firefox as your browser.)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

"Happy Ukulele 4th of July Tony Danza"

A typical Independence day: Fireworks, Ribs, Tony Danza, Ukuleles and FBI Rapists. It started as a busy day off of basically doing nothing particularly productive. First a quick trip into the office to pick up some papers on my way to Virginia.

Heading down 14th St I saw an "Only in DC" one man street protest at the corner of 14th St and Pennsylvania Ave. In order to get a picture I made a U turn in front of the Ronald Reagan Building much to the alarm of the security guards out front. Trying to take a picture while driving by was unsuccessful the first time and I drove around the block and got this distant picture. (Click to enlarge).

His sign reads "FBI Stop Raping My Wife". WTF? And what's up with the Colonel Sanders suit? I would have liked to stop and ask questions but I decided making a second U turn in front of the Ronald Reagan Building ill-advised.

In Virginia I attempted to get a haircut.

Patriotic b*st*rds!

Returning home I stocked the Fisher-Paykel with the groceries and started slowly cooking the ribs basting occasionally with a 3 year old jar of Moonlite Bar-B-Q sauce. Hopefully, Kentucky's finest Bar-B-Q sauce, like fine wine and Dolly Parton, gets better with age.

On sunny days like today, I hang my laundry out to dry on the deck.

Sisters Lucy and Lizzie (pictured here with Diva dog cousin Missie) are already sniffing around the kitchen in anticipation of big bone buffet later tonight.

Possum Cat looks upon all of us with bemusement.

I won't be going down to the Mall tonight to watch the fireworks. I plan to stay home and watch them on TV with the rest of the Animal House. If so inclined I could crawl out on the roof and see most of them, but I would rather stay safely inside and eat ribs in front of the TV. Burp. Besides usually there are plenty enough illegal fireworks in this neighborhood with the noise that scares Lucy and Lizzie and they bark non-stop from about 6:00 pm to Midnight. Maybe I should go down...

Have a safe and Happy 4th of July everyone. And really FBI, leave that poor man's wife alone!

Update: 6:00 pm The Mall is being evacuated due to an intense thunderstorm heading down I-66 towards DC. There is also a tornado watch.

I'm glad I stayed home. Now back to the ribs.

Update: Final

My Review of The Capitol Fourth Television show

PBS took the theme “Spirit of 76” literally and cast the show in order to appeal to a television demographic with the average age of 76. Hosted by ubiquitous triple threat Tony Danza (Actor, Talk Show Host, Mr Judith Light) and headlined by such show biz luminaries as quadruple threat Bebe Neuwirth (Actress, Dancer, Baritone, Mrs. Kelsey Grammer) the show gives Capital Hill residents their annual opportunity to badly dance in front of the camera to such get down and rock out to numbers like “Oh Susannah.”

There was also some country singer I had never heard of, a chorus of sweaty old folks, Yolanda Adams, a token American Idol loser, and future double threat Hayden Panettiere (Actress, Rehab).

It seemed to me that the timing of the fireworks in relation to the show were slightly off this year since they started while Bebe was still singing her medley of “Songs Liza Can No Longer Sing.” She finished her money note and Tony came out ominously carrying a ukulele and said he planned on doing a song but changed his mind since the fireworks had started. Thankfully he introduced the orchestra, proof there is a god!