Monday, May 19, 2008

YOU are LOOKING for Me!!!! Finding a Roommate via Craigslist

I really wasn't serious when I posted this ad on Craigslist looking for a blog worthy roommate. It is true that I am running out of things to blog about but my actual preference would be for someone neat and clean and normal not someone who is "often involved in wacky situations "or "is a frequent witness of crime." Honestly, Lucy Ricardo and Angela Lansbury need not apply.

However, I got several responses with most not understanding that my tongue was firmly placed in my blogspot when I wrote this ad. Most of the replies were of the boilerplate variety "I just moved to DC and am looking for an awesome group house with cool roommates to hang out with yadda yadda yadda." Yawn!

And then there was this one from the very enthusiastic and slightly frightening "Emily" (I have edited it somewhat in order to protect her identity and also to not offend my vast Hannah Montana audience):

YOU are LOOKING for Me!!!!

If you are looking to live with someone with nicknames such as
"E-wrecked" "E-nough" and "E-bombs," then you have FOUND ME.

If you are looking for blog material such as a girl who is throwing
her [female sex organ] a 100th birthday party, then you are in luck!

My name is "Emily", I'm 26 and I've been drinking and causing debauchery
in DC since last July, o yeah I also go to grad school and work for
a small NGO but I DOUBT that will be quality blogging material.

Don't worry, crazier things are happening to me EVERYDAY (being
"rudely awakened" [sexual act] "hot cop" and [loss of bladder control] my pants in front of
the guy I like, TWICE) so you will not be lacking for material. If you
want to live with me too (I already want to be ur friend) write back.

Much love,

your future roommate/partner in crime,

"Emily", "Emily", "Emily" are you serious!!! I am sorry "Emily" but you have been e-jected and ur will not be my next roommate. But seriously, get your own blog. I think you could be huge!

I was about to give up and then read this surprising charmer from Charm City (again slightly edited to protect her identify):

Good Morning!

Ever since I realized a move to DC was inevitable, I've been kind of dreading it. I've been so reluctant to give up the John Waters-pink-flamingos-adorable petty crimes for which Baltimore is known and loved, for the Bluetooth-headset-wearing, briefcase-toting, American-flag-pin-on-the-the-lapel crowd that I pass every day on the way to my new job. But I read your post, and I'm so glad there are people in DC like me! Allow me to present the reasons why we'd be great roommates:

1) Fascinating job- Working at a humanitarian relief organization where everyone I work with speaks Arabic... so far I only know the curse words, but I'm learning slowly but surely. Sometimes I negotiate bargains on donkeys to transport water (like CarMax, but for donkeys?).

2) My eccentric friends can act as verifiable references to my frequent spasms of ridiculous quotations. In addition, I am very neat and organized (I actually enjoy cleaning, but not in an OCD Bob Saget-from-Full-House way).

3) Frequent rider of the Metro- My daily commutes from Charm City are about two hours each way, so the Metro and I are getting to know each other well. Besides the fact that it always smells like an off-brand whiskey sour that's been poisoned by one's enemies, with occasional whiffs of that old lady perfume that seems to stick to your clothes for hours, it's not a bad way to travel. PLUS, you get to make interesting notations along the journey, like "Wow, check out that guy's sweet Cosby sweater", or "Wow, that's the third Little Person I've seen today". Haven't witnessed any crimes here yet, but I did live for 23 years in the most dangerous city in America without gettin' clipped, so I don't think Logan Circle will be a huge challenge.

4) Very pet friendly- I don't have any myself, but I enjoy other people's pets. I wanted a capybara for a while, but I think they're kind of illegal (do you run an exotic pets importation business in addition to blogging, perchance?).

Anyway, hopefully I'm not too late to have an opportunity to see the apartment. It sounds really great, with a very convenient location, and it would be fantastic to have a DC roommate that I could actually be friends with! If you'd like any additional info, you can reach me at this email address or at (443) NNN-NNNN. I look forward to hearing from you!

Best wishes,



Maybe I really can find a roommate on Craigslist despite my snarky ad. "Kay" I love your response and I am seriously thinking of contacting you. Please be real, neat and clean, and promise to never throw a birthday party for your [female sex organ].


Anonymous said...


If that's her own characterization of her actions, I would absolutely love to hear the perspective of an independent third party.

"Emily asked her 'boyfriend' to roofie her tonight. Again."

Anonymous said...

hey!!! Way to go! you made the elusive DC blogs noted! Congrats Herb! And this is hillarious. Color me 2 votes for Emily. E-tabulous!

Besides Kay can write and then we'll all have to be jealous

Anonymous said...

Ahaha, this is amazing. It's funny how wacky experiments turn out fabulous results.

Herb of DC said...

What? "Emily" is getting the majority of votes so far??? Okay but everyone who votes for her has to help clean up after her [female sex organ's] birthday party!

Anonymous said...

Buy some rubber sheets and go with Emily!

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

OMG! Avoid Emily like the plague. I had a roommate like that when I was in grad school. Let's just say she had ants quite often in her laundry hamper because her [female sex organ] excreted something alluring. She'd also spit in the kitchen sink and failed to rinse out the tub after shaving her legs. (She was quite hairy.) She didn't last six months and I asked her to move.

Maybe I'm getting old and snarky, but I'd rent to Kay just for the sake of sanity and knowing that she's neat and clean.

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