Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Real World DC--Please Take My House!

Dear MTV "The Real World" Producers:

It seems like the worst kept secret in DC is finally official-- the 23rd season of "The Real World" will start shooting in DC in a Dupont Circle house around June 20th.

DC is hardly known to be the World Capital of Good Behavior but with all the screaming and protests from your neighbors, you would think MTV was planning to host "Tila Tequila's Shot of the Dallas Cowboys" on S St instead of another edition of the creaky coming-of-age egofest.

There are anti "Real World" blogs and community meetings to express concern over this drunken invasion and now rumors abound that the cast is afraid to come to DC. Isn't this a bit of an overreaction to a show that everyone claims to have stopped watching years ago?

Here's my solution: move into my dilapidated retro house.

First of all I don't live in Dupont Circle. DUPONT CIRCLE? Seriously? That would be a great location for "The Real World 1982" but this is 2009, the Reagans are no longer in the White House and MTV doesn't play music any more.

Shaw is where it is at. Shaw, baby. U Street. Center of the Obama celebrations. In other words, my neighborhood. Where you can still walk home at 9:00 am in your underwear and people barely give you a glance.

The Real World Shaw!

Would you rather film a house member hysterically breaking up via Twitter with that nice guy back home who doesn't under the stress she is under at Connecticut Avenue's Anne Taylor's Loft or at the gay sports bar Nellies? Johnny Rockets or Ben's Chili Bowl? Chipotle or Dukems? Red Line or Green Line? Are these really questions that have to be answered? What, are you drunk? Oh wait, of course you are!

That fake-ass job for the house members that was added a few seasons back? I have my "Recession Garden" the group can pretend to work between blackouts and fights. Toilet in a small. cramped enclosure with a door to hide behind when whispering amongst each other about who in the house might be a tranny? Got it!

Dirty, viral infected hot tub?


Underutilized exercise equipment?


Aquarium? Well I have a leaky roof. If this rain continues...yeah.

So Producers, stop dealing with the Dupont Circle hysteria and slosh your way over to my place where general douchery, bad decor and questionable decorum has reigned for years. The neighbors are already used to my guests hurling into the bushes and god knows there has been enough alcohol purchased at the Whitelaw Market on the way to my house over the years to sink even Ruthie's liver.

Oh and one more thing, like "The Real World Brooklyn" this cast will have 8 members not the usual 7. I am staying to chaperon the feuds, hookups and the over-the-top examinations of lives not yet worth examining. I've learned the hard way what happens when you rent to people under the age of 26 who stop being polite and start getting real.




Bob said...

LOL! I love it!

Scenic Wheaton said...

This is fantastic. Especially the line about walking home in your underwear.