People Please: Stop the Sadistic at Work “Surprise” Baby Showers!

Once again today at work I was asked to sneak into a dark conference room for a “surprise” baby shower. This event was preceded by hourly reminders sent with degree of efficiency otherwise unseen in this department to contribute to the present, to not tip off Baby Mama, and oh yeah, have you contributed to the present yet?

I am not debating the merits of having showers and other recognitions at work--I will save that for another post. But for the love of Jamie Lynn Spears can we stop making baby showers surprise events? Isn’t this the one party celebrating a major life event (until birthdays over the age of 80) that should never be a surprise?

Let me note that I have never been pregnant; the last pregnancy I was involved with produced me and a lifetime of therapy happiness. But if I were pregnant, gained 40 pounds and had some Bundle of Joy doing a Bend It Like Beckham number on my kidneys every 2 minutes, I would not want to attend a meeting ominously titled “Fiscal Year Budget 2009” only to enter a darkened conference room and have 12 female co-workers, Don from Accounting and all the gay guys jump out and yell “Surprise!”

Why do we have to dim the lights? Don’t budget meetings have lights ON? Sunshine Laws people, look it up! And have you ever sat in a dark room with Don from Accounting? Let’s just say I think he is unsure what side of the balance sheet his assets are on.

The Mother-to-Be always looks a little shell-shocked as she smooths down her now ill-fitting late stages of pregnancy maternity dress, purchased from an improbably named line like “Stork Sak”, “BellyDancers ” or “Petunia Pickle Bottom”. The tomato sauce stain on her breast that in her pre-preggo days would have dripped onto the napkin in her lap is the scarlet advertisement proclaiming to the world her dual afflictions of swelling feet and shrinking bladder.

Stammering her thanks she is then presented with piles of individually wrapped baby presents all that must be opened, passed around and scrutinized for estimated retail value while the ice cream melts and her back aches. The organizer of the event, who usually also does the shopping for the group gift will complain endlessly of her retail midwife martyrdom and the challenges of shopping at Baby R Us when the Mother-to-Be had thoughtlessly declined to disclose the sex of the baby to her co-workers.

“That's why everything I bought is yellow” she will say, giving a knowing look to Don from Accounting who no doubt was greeted on this earth with piles of yellow onesies.

I can only equate these sadistic showers to fraternity hazings, since most of the other women once had a traditional surprise shower thrown for them. Are they secretly enjoying hazing the new mothers? Can't we stop this sadistic ritual?

Try this:

“Mother-to-Be, a group of us want to have a little get together to help launch you into your joyous new phase of life. Can you join us in Conference Room E next Monday at 3:00. Don from Accounting will be making his famous Eight Layer Dip!”

Wouldn't that be a lot easier for everyone involved?

Please people, can we stop the sadistic at work surprise baby showers?

Unfortunate Joke #1

Do I have to have a baby shower?

Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly!

Unfortunate Joke #2

Whats the difference between a Pit Bull and the at work Baby Shower organizer?

Lipstick!

Driven to Drink!

September: the month I am dedicating to you, the month that I will use my blog for doing good and the month that I will most likely drive my my tens of readers to drink. Be thankful that September is not a Leap Month.

So if you are going to drink to get through this, why not do it at Bardstown Kentucky's Bourbon Festival, Sept 16-21?

Since 1776, the people of Bardstown, Kentucky have been making Bourbon. Their dedication to the fine art of distilling eventually gave Bardstown the title of Bourbon Capital of the World. The Kentucky Bourbon Festival gives you a weekend full of smooth Bourbon, delicious food, and great entertainment, with a healthy dose of Kentucky hospitality thrown in for good measure and if you are really lucky, you may run into my sister. Tell her I said "hello."

Get Out Your Cell and Help Disaster Victims!

Text "Give" to 2Help (24357) and give $5 to the American Red Cross.

Repeat!

Do the Chicken Dance with Hanna!

With Hurricane Tropical Storm Hanna approaching, do you run to the store and buy bread, milk and toilet paper?

If so the hysterical TV newscasters have won.

Remember that this is September, the month I am dedicating to my dear readers and this is my advice: when you are down an out, when the dog bites, when storm clouds threaten, forget that raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens crap.

Do the Chicken Dance Polka and everything will feel much better.

Will you join me now? You know you want to and you can thank me for the ear worm later.





Update Sunday September 7

Bloggerist Gilahi suggests in the Comments section that the dancing in "Where the Hell Is Matt 2008" ("Praan") which spans 14 months, 42 countries and features a cast of thousands is somehow superior to two guys from New Jersey doing the Chicken Dance Polka.

You be the judge.



Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Gilahi hat tip to LivItLuvIt

Death by Granite Countertops or The End of Logan Circle As We Know It Today!

In keeping with my September theme of dedicating this blog to YOU my loyal reader(s) and in order to meet the new mandate from DCBLOGS that all blog posts must be meaningful, I feel I should warn you of a danger you may have lurking in your kitchen or bathroom—YOUR GRANITE COUNTERTOPS!

Forget the threat of crime, global warming, hurricanes, gasoline shortages, Caribou Barbie, unibrows or the return of '90210'. The biggest menace to your very existence may be your Absolute Black granite counters. Remember when your real estate agent said that you were purchasing a "killer" kitchen?

Exactly.

What, you don’t have granite countertops? Don’t you live in DC? Why are you reading my blog then?

A July 2008 article in the NY Times disclosed that recent test results reveal that some granite countertops sold by the Big Box Kitchen Death Machine and other 401K drainers are emitting dangerous radioactivity into homes. Although some eagerly embrace the health insurance cost savings of taking your own X- rays while cooking, other groups are urging people with such deadly countertops to have them tested for the amounts of radon gas they emit over concerns that amounts are above levels considered safe.

"It’s not that all granite is dangerous,” said Stanley Liebert, the quality assurance director at CMT Laboratories in Clifton Park, N.Y.“But I’ve seen a few that might heat up your Cheerios a little.”

Predictably, the Marble Institute of America has come to the defense of granite, attacking the New York Times and others who hate America.

“We are disappointed that the New York Times has compromised the ultimate goal of sharing truth with its readers. But it is precisely because individuals and companies seek to prey on consumer fears and confusion that the Marble Institute of America is working with the independent scientific community to set standards to test granite for radon.

That is why we created the Truth About Granite Fund. And, unfortunately, this article makes our efforts – and support for that fund – so critical.”

Oh snap!

Hey what’s the difference between the Marble Institute of America and a Pit Bull?

Lipstick! I mean sealer! (I never could tell a joke. )

So what can you do to protect you and your Cheerios? Despite all this arguing back and forth no one yet has offered this simple tip until now and you will find this only at Herb of DC.

Aluminum foil.

That’s right, Good Old American Reynolds Wrap. The Safer Eating choice for natural stone.

You can either wrap your countertops in aluminum foil or make a sassy aluminum foil body suit (See "Project Runway Season Two") to don when you enter your kitchen.

I prefer the sleek look of an aluminum granite wrapped counter (see below). I feel this will be the latest trend in all the “right” kitchens.

Picture the Real Estate ads in 2009 : "3 Bdr, 2.5 BA, TS Kit w/ SS and Alum.Granite with Geiger Counter incl. "

Safe and Healthy Breakfast 2009

Fighting the Culture of Low Expectations--My First Complaint Letter to Metro for You!

It's a new month and Fall is only a few weeks away--time for a new direction for my blog? Maybe I should try dedicating my blog to doing good work this month. No more selfish, whining posts about finding a roommate, people who improperly shuck corn or the death of the doorbell. You know, make my blog all serious and meaningful and about YOU! Think DailyKos without the impartiality.

With that in mind I decided that after years of questionable service on Metro I would start escalating my complaints. How can they fix problems if due to our Culture of Low Expectations, we don't let them know when things are unacceptable? Did you know that there is an online Customer Comment form? (Bookmark this NOW!)

Now that my knees bark and my back howls when going up stairs (wait this really isn't about me, I am thinking of you!) I am very sensitive to when escalators are out of service. I have always been told when an escalator is out of service the remaining escalator should be used to ferry passengers upward. But how many times have we seen the case where those going down are on the working escalator while those going up have to trudge their way upwards on a dead escalator?

Observing this scenario during rush hour at Gallery/Place Chinatown submitted my first complaint, I mean Customer Comment form and received this reply:

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

Thank you for taking the time to write to Metro's Red Line Team concerning the direction of escalators at Gallery Place-Chinatown station. I apologize for any inconvenience you experienced. Each station has an escalator plan outlining which direction the escalator should be going. Our policy states that there should always be an escalator going in the up direction, in response to our riders have who stated It's easier to walk down an escalator than to walk up an escalator. I check with the station manager on duty today and he stated that they could get the escalator to go in the up direction.

In the future, please asked the station manager if he/she can reverse the escalator.

Blah, Blah blah standard text yadda yadda yadda

Sincerely,

Helen (Becky) Metro
Case 42XXXX

Score one for me! Metro admitted they were in the wrong! Although I was a little confused as to why it is my job to asked the manager. Shouldn't someone on staff notice all the huffing and puffing escalator hikers and asked the manager themselves?

But 5 minutes later I got another email from Helen (Becky) Metro ominously titled "Correction to Email."

Uh oh, was Helen (Becky) Metro going to reveal that her name is really Becky (Helen) Metro? Maybe tell me I should axe not asked the manager?

Dear Mr. Herb of DC:

I apologize for the mistake. I meant that "they couldn't get the escalator to go in the up direction".

Sigh...

Metro. Just can't get it up. I can see the new ad campaign now!

It's going to be a long month. But let me know who/what you want me take on next. September only hath 30 days.