Thursday, September 4, 2008

Death by Granite Countertops or The End of Logan Circle As We Know It Today!

In keeping with my September theme of dedicating this blog to YOU my loyal reader(s) and in order to meet the new mandate from DCBLOGS that all blog posts must be meaningful, I feel I should warn you of a danger you may have lurking in your kitchen or bathroom—YOUR GRANITE COUNTERTOPS!

Forget the threat of crime, global warming, hurricanes, gasoline shortages, Caribou Barbie, unibrows or the return of '90210'. The biggest menace to your very existence may be your Absolute Black granite counters. Remember when your real estate agent said that you were purchasing a "killer" kitchen?


What, you don’t have granite countertops? Don’t you live in DC? Why are you reading my blog then?

A July 2008 article in the NY Times disclosed that recent test results reveal that some granite countertops sold by the Big Box Kitchen Death Machine and other 401K drainers are emitting dangerous radioactivity into homes. Although some eagerly embrace the health insurance cost savings of taking your own X- rays while cooking, other groups are urging people with such deadly countertops to have them tested for the amounts of radon gas they emit over concerns that amounts are above levels considered safe.

"It’s not that all granite is dangerous,” said Stanley Liebert, the quality assurance director at CMT Laboratories in Clifton Park, N.Y.“But I’ve seen a few that might heat up your Cheerios a little.”

Predictably, the Marble Institute of America has come to the defense of granite, attacking the New York Times and others who hate America.

“We are disappointed that the New York Times has compromised the ultimate goal of sharing truth with its readers. But it is precisely because individuals and companies seek to prey on consumer fears and confusion that the Marble Institute of America is working with the independent scientific community to set standards to test granite for radon.

That is why we created the Truth About Granite Fund. And, unfortunately, this article makes our efforts – and support for that fund – so critical.”

Oh snap!

Hey what’s the difference between the Marble Institute of America and a Pit Bull?

Lipstick! I mean sealer! (I never could tell a joke. )

So what can you do to protect you and your Cheerios? Despite all this arguing back and forth no one yet has offered this simple tip until now and you will find this only at Herb of DC.

Aluminum foil.

That’s right, Good Old American Reynolds Wrap. The Safer Eating choice for natural stone.

You can either wrap your countertops in aluminum foil or make a sassy aluminum foil body suit (See "Project Runway Season Two") to don when you enter your kitchen.

I prefer the sleek look of an aluminum granite wrapped counter (see below). I feel this will be the latest trend in all the “right” kitchens.

Picture the Real Estate ads in 2009 : "3 Bdr, 2.5 BA, TS Kit w/ SS and Alum.Granite with Geiger Counter incl. "

Safe and Healthy Breakfast 2009


Foilwoman said...

Oh, you wound me.

jimbo said...

Yes, granite countertops emit radiation, as granite contains a lot of radionucleides in its structure.

However, the amount your countertop emits is no more dangerous than a trip to the dentist's office. You'll get more radiation living near the mountains in Colorado than you would camping on a nuclear test site.

You'll be OK, but Hanna is going to kill you instead. Panic now.

Bob said...

YAY! Which is less slow and painful? Talking on my cell phone, drinking water out of plastic bottles, or granite counters? Hmmm...

lacochran said...

But granite is sososo purty.

I read somewhere that Newt Gingrich and Al Sharpton said this was part of a conspiracy. You'll find it hard to believe but they were talking about two completely different conspiracies.

Thanks for looking out for us, the CENTER of your universe.