The email I dread receiving each October:
"There will be a Halloween party hosted by the Employee Engagement Task Force in the atrium of the Headquarters building on October 31 from 10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Prizes will be awarded to the best Halloween costumes. Refreshments will include cider and doughnuts."
The Big Humanitarian Non-Profit is deservedly well known and respected for its very serious and important mission, but the ability to throw a rockin' party is not part of its Official Charter or corporate culture.
The annual Halloween party is usually a yawn inducing affair. Since the organization is officially politically neutral, you won't see a pander of Palins or a babel of Bidens. You will never see a bill of Baracks or a maverick of McCains marching back to crack with Joe the Plumber.
Sexy Nurses? Not here? More like Nurses Thankful for Comfortable Shoes. Towering fabulous drag queens dressed as the Venerated Big Humanitarian Foundress? Are you kidding me? No hottie firewomen, booty shaking pirate's wenches, saucy Girl Scouts, UPS deliverymen with large Humanitarian Non-Restrictive Endowments or half-naked leather clad buff Warren Buffetts, either.
In other words there is not a single costume allowed that I would want to wear.
At best the predictable costumes seen are what you would find at a tasteful and expensive plus-sized Day Care Center. Impossibly large Kandy Korn People, along with puffy jaded Lady Bugs and what must be refugees from the Jenny Craig Pumpkin Patch stand around and knock back some apple cider while discussing Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Challenges. Pre-hypertensive Bunches of Grapes, bored looking Disney characters with swollen ankles and for whatever reason this year a large number of jumbo Cleaning Products slowly trudge back and forth across the atrium in a vain search for a doughnut not covered in orange and black sprinkles.
I was standing with my back to the Security Guard Station eavesdropping on a leaning Statue of Liberty and a droopy Tweety Bird discussing fund raising opportunities through the use of Social Media when I suddenly heard loud scurrying noises behind me.
An eight foot tall light blue whale, with a jaunty sailors cap emblazoned with the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit's symbol was about to make an entrance flanked by what could be best described as, sexy Humanitarian Dolphins!
Someone didn't get the memo!
One by one the sexy Humanitarian Dolphins swam through the Security Gate each carefully swiping her ID card before entering the atrium. The crowd began to move closer to the Guard Station eager to greet the great light blue Whale and his escorts that were going to save the party from its annual dullness.
Due to his Non-Profit girth the Whale had to slowly slide through the Security Gates sideways.
BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
Undaunted by setting off the alarm the Whale entered the atrium to much excitement and applause. The sexy Humanitarian Dolphins protectively circled him as they began to take a lap around the atrium.
"Sir,SIR" the Security guard yelled, "You must swipe your card."
Not getting a response, the guard turned to me, the closest Big Humanitarian Non-Profit official (read: I wasn't in costume and look old) and said "You need to tell the Whale to bring me his ID or I will have him thrown out."
Choking back the temptation to ask the guard how he knew the Whale was a male since I saw no Whale sized genitalia I meekly complied.
Fortunately I quickly discovered by asking one of the slower swimming Dolphins that one of the other sexy Humanitarian Dolphins was carrying his ID in her pouch (do all Dolphins have pouches or just the sexy ones?). I was able to satisfy security requirements and no embarrassing Whale evictions were needed!
I saved the Whale!
Now what do we need to do to get the Whale to return for the the annual Holiday Party?