Wait? Haven't I already done this a few times over the years? I just need to add a few more feet facts...
25 Randomly Recycled Things About My Feet
1. On Mother's Day when I was 5, my sister cut the tip of my right big toe off.
One of my strongest memories of that bloody day was being upset that Herb Sr was running red lights on the way to the emergency room. After I was stitched up we stopped at a pet store on Washington Avenue and looked at puppies.
"Can I have a puppy?" I whimpered.
"No dear" my mother Pug answered, "A puppy would lick your toe and it will get all infected and fall off."
2. I am right-handed yet left-footed.
3. When I graduated college my shoe size was 10.5 N. My shoe size today is 12 M.
4. I can't tie shoe laces
When Herb Sr and Pug tried to teach me to tie my shoes for some reason I couldn't grasp the conventional method. Instead I learned a "special" method reserved for "exceptional" children.
It goes something like this:
- Make two bunny whiskers and cross them
- Make two bunny ears and cross them
- Poke the bunny's eyes out and set on fire along with your sister's Barbie doll
Okay maybe step 3 technically happened in High School but even today I can't really tie my shoes correctly. My left shoe especially comes untied using this method.
5. I cannot wear slip-on shoes, only shoes that lace up and require tieing
6. I hate to touch the feet of other people
7. I once was a very successful lady's shoes salesman
If I was asked to assist someone with putting on her shoes I would reply in my most patronizing tone "We sell fashion, not fit." (Intimidation works really well at the higher end of the lady shoes biz.)
8. If I had to choose between being water boarded or a pedicure, I would yell "Strap me down Mr. Cheney and unleash the hoses!"
9. I wear the same pair of comfortable shoes to work every day and I am not a nurse or a Phys Ed teacher.
10. I have Moderate Pronation. This is not to be confused with Janet Jackson's 1989 album "Rhythm Nation."
11. I also have Plantar fasciitis. This is not to be confused with anything except the sweet, sweet relief of water boarding.
12. The Miracle Foot Repair Cream ("As Seen on TV!") works really well on dry, cracked feet and heels. It will not regrow the tip of your right big toe. Trust me on this.
13. I buy argyle socks but never wear them since I don't want to look all "matchy-matchy."
14. I have owned but never worn publicly sandals.
15. I have never owned Crocs.
16. I once sprained my left ankle while wearing cowboy boots.
17. I am sad that on Mother's Day I no longer have a mother to call and remind how my big toe was savagely wounded on her special day. Now I call and remind my sister.
18. A new pair of Keds never made me run faster or jump higher.
19. Unless you make your own pottery to sell at Renaissance faires or you are Judy Collins, you shalt not wear Earth shoes. It is wee too painful for me to explaineth how I learneth this lesson.
20. I wore Doc Martens for most of the 90s hoping to look like a hipster artist or renegade architect. In retrospect I looked like that sad, doughy accountant at raves who is always yelling "I don't think it's working yet!"
21. A dog that sleeps under the blankets on your feet is a joy in the wintertime but a particularly smelly hell in the summer.
22. At the height of the Age of Disco I had a pair or red and blue platform shoes.
23. In my medicine cabinet are two cans of "Cordovan" shoe polish. "Cordovan" was never a Crayola crayon color--not even in the big box of 64 with the crayon sharpener that my sister always got for her birthday since she was "the artistic one." Yeah, that was really artistic when you tried to hack my toe off on Mother's Day you demented junior Vincent Van Gouge.
24. Calling those heartless wretches at the Employee Assistance Program hotline to discuss your potential Post Traumatic Stress Disorder disability claim due to a childhood toe accident is a total waste of time.
25. My left shoe is untied as I write this.
Bonus Song:
Judy Collins who apparently has all of her toes, sings "Both Sides Now."
