Does This Muffin Make My A** Look Big or My Lifetime in Corn?

As any regular reader of my blog knows, I tend to recycle corny jokes, not to mention blog posts, “comments”, relationships and for that matter, corn. If something was funny ten years ago it is still funny today, right? Who doesn’t still love a good Monica Lewinsky joke?

In my rare interpersonal reactions with people, I have the same corny Pavlovian one liner response in certain situations. For instance if you say, “I have a bad cold” and it is wintertime, I will automatically say “I told you not to go skinny dipping during [insert cold winter month’s name here]". Yes I have been slaying them with that one since 1984! I come by this lifetime of corn naturally and not just from growing up in the Hoosier State—for as long as I remember every time HerbSr of Kentucky/Florida hears the name Pierre he asks “The dehydrated Frenchman?”

Oh the years of laughter we have had over that one!

Broke your foot or ankle? Yep, I’m the one who will say “I told you to give up bungee jumping.”

How can you even read this through your tears of laughter?

"Herb, are you working hard?"

Okay, all together:

"No, I am hardly working."

HA! Reading this blog is like reading Shaw (George, not the neighborhood, although maybe a little of the Metro stop) isn't it?

So today I was standing in the cashier line at the cafeteria of the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit waiting to pay for my food, and someone behind me said rather loudly, “Hey there!” Turning around I was surprised to find an Important Female VP who for as far as I knew, did not know me from Adam. Or my rib. (NOTE: I need to add that one to my repertoire). I looked down and noticed she was only purchasing a corn muffin (MORE CORN!) and a Vitamin Water. Here is the conversation as I best recall it.

Herb of DC: That’s not much of a lunch!

Important Female VP: I was sick last night so I just wanted to get a little something in my stomach.

Herb of DC: That’s a good idea. You want to ease back into it.

Important Female VP: My daughter and I both got food poisoning from dinner at a friend’s house.

WARNING: HERE COMES THE "JOKE" I ALWAYS MAKE WHEN SOMEONE HAS FOOD POISONING

Herb of DC: Really, hey there are much easier ways to lose weight.

Important Female VP (startled): What? (Translation: “Are you calling me fat?”)

Herb of DC (back peddling as fast as he can): Not that I think you need to lose weight. Or your daughter needs to.

This did not end well.

So what should I have done?

A. Grandly told the cashier “And the little lady’s lunch is also on me.”
B. Asked if the cafeteria had any spoiled mayonnaise since “bathing suit season is only six months away.”
C. Be supportive and point out that Delta Burke also likes Vitamin Water
D. Yelled “I can see Russia from my house!”
E. Any others?

What would you have said?

The Day My Mama Socked It to the Harper Valley P.T.A.

This has been my ear worm all day. No reason, really.

I Am "Dismayed" by the Washington Post Express

My blog entry for the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin parody on SNL was featured on the Blog Log of the Washington Post Express Monday, September 29. I have been featured there before and quite frankly, you don't get a lot of new traffic to your blog from it. I guess it is hard to link to a blog from the paper you are holding in your hand.

The money quote:

"THE REALLY SAD PART is that the opening few minutes of the bit were not very different at all from the actual interview that they were parodying. I walked into the room after it had just started, and it took me a second to realize that it [was] 'SNL.'"
Herbofdc.blogspot.com was dismayed by the similarities between parody and reality in a 'Saturday Night Live' sketch about Sarah Palin's CBS interview.

Wow that makes me sound very smart. Analytical. Sober. Unfortunately it wasn't me that said it. It was commentator Gilahi of Gilahi Blog.

Does anyone actually edit this page? Another blogger recently had a similar problem in regards to a very thoughtful post she wrote about 9/11.

So was it sloppy editing or did they read my entry on why I had to turn down the "Certified Honest Blogger" award and just assume that this was another comment I had made up to post to my own blog? Really when I said that I was kidding...KIDDING!!! Hehe.

October 1, 2008 Update

Blogger Gilahi dashes into a phone booth, dons his cape and Belt of Righteous Indignation and comes to our defense as Super Gilahi! Take that Washington Post Express! BAM! POW!!!

October 1, 2008 Update #2

The WPE replies via email:

Hello Herb, in the edition that day it was simply a mistake. If you read that section frequently, you'll notice that we often use the verbiage 'a commenter at xblog' said such and such. That day's was just left out erroneously.

Thanks for reading and please forward this to your friend Gilahi with my apologies

October 1, 2008 Update #3

WPE thanks for responding. We all make simple mistakes, like my mullet, now and then. But based upon all the comments over at Gilahi World today, this seems to happen frequently.

No need to respond. Thanks! Still love the Post and all things Stanley Kaplan!

Why I Must Reject "The Certified Honest Blogger" Award

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"Katie, I'd Like to Use One of My Lifelines"

Tina Fey and SNL hit another one out of the ballpark with the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin interview part 4.

The "Yes Dance" and Advice for the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow

Definitely not naked High School Musical 6 or the all lesbian High School Musical 7 or the porntastic High School Musical 10. And I am not just saying that because 1/3 of my Google searches are due to the fact that I once made a joking reference here to High School Musical, 3, 4 and 5. It would be wrong to mislead the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow (and Google search) again, wouldn't it?

Speaking of my readers under 21, I just want to remind you that lavish Social Security benefits, like the SATs and the Lynn Spears "book" tour will always be around. Do not get tricked into opening one of those fake 401K thingys at work. It is well known that 401ks cause adult acne. Do you think Miley Cyrus estranged from her parents has a 401K? I should say not. And that alleged company match? They totally take it away when you leave or if you ever get caught checking Facebook or MySpace on the job.

This is the "Yes Dance" video and is not about Zak Efron who has never had NAKED PICTURES in Playgirl or gay Porn or that dirty, dirty girl Vanessa Hudgens and her all girl shopping orgies.

Just two wholesome guys (I think) doing the life affirming "Yes Dance." May Not be Safe For Work or the Seventh Grade.



Not to be confused with this "Yes Dance."

What If Everyone Bought Wall Street a LG - 50" Flat-Panel Plasma HDTV Instead?

Having trouble picturing $700 billion ($700,000,000,000)? This is all it is--a really nice LG 50" Class 1080p Flat-Panel Plasma HDTV for $2293.37.

If all 305,227,684 Americans personally ponied up to help out Wall Street, they could buy 305,227,684 incredibly kick a** plasma TVs from Best Buy to contribute. Maybe Wall Street could hawk them on eBay or create baffling plasma based derivative instruments to sell to each other? (Okay, so technically this TV is on sale for $2,299.98 but I think Best Buy will come down $6.61, just based upon sheer volume.)

This is a big investment; we probably also want a service plan in case of power surges or stagflation, right? The Best Buy Geek Squad Black Tie Protection 4 Year Plan for 305,227,684 TVs at $199 each adds another sixty billion ($60,740,309,116) to the tab.

Of course we are going to buy a really nice wall mounting system. With
The Sanus - Full Motion Wall mount you can get mounted for $106,826,637,123.16.

Misc cables, surge protectors, adapters and MREs are $103.98 for an add-ons of $31,737,574,582.32.

The Bill

Plasma HDTV $700,000,000,000.00

Geek Squad Service Plan $60,740,309,116.00

Wall Mounting Kits $106,826,637,123.16

Misc Cables etc $31,737,574,582.32

Total before taxes $899,304,520,821.48

DC Sales Tax (8%) $71,944,361,665.71

Total: $971,248,882,487.19

Don't have that much cash laying around?

Best Buy's financing Program A (Variable Standard APR = Prime Rate + 14.4 percentage pts) is currently offered at 19.8% so you would pay interest of $192,307,278,732.46 the first year.

WHEW!

The Bottom Line:

$1,163,556,161,219.56

That's right over one trillion dollars.

You buy a plasma TV, throw in a couple of add-ons and before you know it, you are talking real money.

305,227,684 freaking LG 50" Class 1080p Flat-Panel Plasma HDTVs!

You can mount them on the wall and stare at them for years. Maximum picture quality and Clear Voice technology for enhanced audio performance. Fluid Motion (180Hz effect) ensures that action scenes look smooth and natural as long as you, you know, still have electricity.

I still don't feel any better about this. Thank god Best Buy is offering free shipping.

I need to call Comcast now. I am available each Monday from 8 am - Noon now through 2055.