The Notorious H.E.R.B. Sr.

I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:

High School Musical 5
Inaugural Balls
HOOKERS CAUGHT ON TAPE
do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida
miss america susan powell
Herb Recipe Magazine
esoteric herb
real hookers caught on Tape
what do they do at the inagural ball
maveric Herb
DC brothel
orville redenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob
etc

Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!

Wait, "esoteric herb?"

That's a new one!

Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.

Awesome!

Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.

I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?

Some choice lyrics to "Herb"

You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time
But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme
A herb, if you claim your raps is official
But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue

Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:

A herb, actually, better yet a joke
If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke
If you traded in your comic books and stamps
For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants
You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump
But go to school tying your bandana in the front
"Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd
Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb
Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame
But hide yaself online with a fake screen name

More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:

You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads
Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads
A herb, if you never pay for a date
A big herb if you never reciprocate

And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:

A herb, if you steal out the tip cup
If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up
You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this
If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless
If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans
If you dis the goon group because you left a bean
You're a herb, m*therf*cker

I don't even know where to begin.

Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class.

Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:

Herb

1) (on the streets) A stupid person.

2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.

3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.

Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...

5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t

Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.

And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this?

So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.

It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.

This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result: Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.

Don't mess with Herb Sr, people!

Why I Must Reject "The Certified Honest Blogger" Award

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The "Yes Dance" and Advice for the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow

Definitely not naked High School Musical 6 or the all lesbian High School Musical 7 or the porntastic High School Musical 10. And I am not just saying that because 1/3 of my Google searches are due to the fact that I once made a joking reference here to High School Musical, 3, 4 and 5. It would be wrong to mislead the Young Adult Leaders of Tomorrow (and Google search) again, wouldn't it?

Speaking of my readers under 21, I just want to remind you that lavish Social Security benefits, like the SATs and the Lynn Spears "book" tour will always be around. Do not get tricked into opening one of those fake 401K thingys at work. It is well known that 401ks cause adult acne. Do you think Miley Cyrus estranged from her parents has a 401K? I should say not. And that alleged company match? They totally take it away when you leave or if you ever get caught checking Facebook or MySpace on the job.

This is the "Yes Dance" video and is not about Zak Efron who has never had NAKED PICTURES in Playgirl or gay Porn or that dirty, dirty girl Vanessa Hudgens and her all girl shopping orgies.

Just two wholesome guys (I think) doing the life affirming "Yes Dance." May Not be Safe For Work or the Seventh Grade.



Not to be confused with this "Yes Dance."

This Blog Is Not About Hookers or Losing My Virginity at the Bunny Ranch!

Really Google, stop delivering all the hooker searches to my blog. This week alone:

lost my virginity at the bunny ranch
hookers with their feet on the car window caught on tape
Nevada brothel costs? -gas -fuel hooker
hooker porn star pics ppt
tape on hooker
DC brothel

So cease and desist, okay?

I Continue to Disapoint [sic] Google!

Google searches bringing folks to my blog this week include:

female super bowl

how to please people

fired employees of lowes

how to run a corn shucking contest

DC emoticon

sally struthers porn

youtube pig mouth sharpie

and my favorite, one that is almost Haiku in its simple beauty...

Hillary Clinton Iowa, corn, wow, "State Fair"

Insane People Visit My Blog!

I noticed today that a Google search of "insane people" delivered someone from Weston Massachusetts to my blog. Okay, so maybe this person wasn't insane but he skipped this first seven Google results and selected my link.

He stayed 10 seconds. Crazy!


Please, please people Google "insane people" and select my blog. I want to be #1.

Christmas in June and Judging Miss Oklahoma

Once again I am flummoxed by some of the Google searches that bring folks to my blog. Today the two most bizarre are "judging miss oklahoma" and "conspiracy satan or santa." What kind of blog does Google think I am running here? Me judgmental? Satan/Santa conspiracy theories?

Oh wait, I did blog once that Santa=Satan and how some guy with lots of time on his hands (why do I know that only a guy would do this?) discovered that if you play "Silver Bells" backwards you hear some satanic message. Or is least he does. It was kinda lame but since it is so freakishly hot out, if a little devil-may-care Holiday music puts you in a cooler mood, you can listen to it here.

There do you feel a little cooler now?

The Miss Oklahoma 2008 crown was won by lyrical dancer Kelsey Cartwright. Ms. Cartwright prepared for winning the title with "a lot of calf raises and Fox News watching."

Oh Kelsey! I don't judge. I just present the facts and like the Fox News slogan: "We report. You decide."

2007 Blog Wrap-Up!

Herb of DC
Blogging Like a 12 year Old Since Jan. 2007

I often wonder why folks stop by my blog--it's not particularly well written, the photography is amateurish (yet I think improving) and I freely admit the humor is often sophomoric.

Regardless, people stop by daily and waste some time in my corner of the Internets. So what were the most popular reads here in 2007?

The most popular items were posts linked through some inexplicable process by DCBLOGS, Wonkette, or DCIST. Leading the pack was this DCBLOGS, Wonkette, and DCIST favorite The Rat Killing Hawk of Red Cross Square.

Another post duly noted by Wonkette and DCBLOgs was my coverage of the tribute to the
mysteriously missing bees.

I joined the Harry Potter frenzy with my likely sounding (but often not) plot spoilers with my farmers market interpretation of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in a piece that became a Google and DCBLOGS pick
Bloody Harry Potter Plot Details Revealed During Mount Pleasant Rampage.

International Google searches often delivered very disappointed readers to the very non-pornographic Porn Stars and I Are for the Environment.

Of course the #1 Google search to my blog involves tweens looking for information on
"High School Musical 3 or 4." Uh sorry kids. I was just kidding. No hard feelings, right? You won't withhold my Social Security in a few years will you?

One of my favorites, if anything for JessiCubs ability to sneak pictures of me into a pretentious street performance "Does This Sharpie make My A** Look Big?"

The post Halloween only-in-DC true story
that still astonishes me in its brashness is my "On the Second Day of Halloween."

Thanks again for stopping by during 2007. I look forward to your visits in 2008!

Herb

I Disappoint Google Daily!

Loving those spot-on Google searches! People use this new fangled thingy to garner information and as a result, strangers from around the world visit my blog. Based upon search details from my Sitemeter account, I think I am leaving many of them sorely disappointed.

1. Is Mike Rowe Mormon?

I don't know and why do you care? He's not running for President. However, I don't think I have ever seen him wearing Mormon underwear on "Dirty Jobs."

2. Washington DC porn stars

OK, I mean really. What an oxymoron!

3. People who are poo pot.

Marie Osmond stay off my blog!!!

4. Scholarships for brunettes

Huh?

5. Finding herb in DC

Something tells me I don't think you are looking for me.

6. Why do dogs lick their blankets?

Because it is covering their butts?

7. Picture of a duck killing a rat.

Sorry, this isn't a porn site.

8. Where can I race my street car?

Have you seen my car?

9. Fashion through the years

Have you seen me in person?

10. Ann Curry leather

Sorry, this isn't a porn site.

11. Miss Utah dress

Sorry, this isn't a porn site

11. Possum soup labels

Yes, I was raised in Southern Indiana/Western Kentucky and ate burgoo but we never labeled it. Or really asked what was in it.

12. Are Fisher-Paykel refrigerators quiet?

YES!!! I can help with this. My FP refrigerator is very quiet and has been quiet since it stopped working the week before Thanksgiving. The "expedited" part is now in and I am on the schedule for Friday December 7. ("Your repairman will call between 8 and 10 to let you know what time he will be there.")