I will make this brief and to the point. I have noticed that you now serve Swedish Meatballs on Wednesdays and Fridays at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit Cafeteria.
If I wanted Swedish Meatballs twice a week I would go to work at IKEA.
Thank you,
Herb of DC
P.S. Just as a gentle reminder, Wednesday is "Soup Day" and Friday is "Fish Sticks Day." Now let's dance it out!
The prequel to yesterday's post, the first postcard in the series from Whimpy in January 1957 to Col. and Mrs E.B. Walker.
So how did these wonderful postcards end up in a church rummage sale in a bag labelled "APO Posted Cards ASIA $1"? Are there any family members remaining who would be interested in them?
"Hi! I am returning to Korea after a wonderful seven days with Art and Eva for 4 days, Tokyo 3 days. It was grand. Love to All, Whimpy."
From a package of 20 vintage postcards I purchased for $1 at a church rummage sale.
A serviceman (Whimpy/Jack/John) writes from Southeast Asia to his mother (Mammy/Mother/Mrs. E.B. Walker) in Chevy Chase, MD at the height of the Vietnam War.
May 1967: "Hi Mammy-I have a conference in Washington soon and will see you before long. Get strong! XXOOWhimpy"
June 1967: "Dearest Mammy...So glad to get your card that Lily Mae wrote for you...I have my leave orders and will see you soon! Much Love Whimpy"
July 1967: "Dearest Mammy-Finally caught up on my work and already planning my next leave home with you. Your late afternoon dizzy periods will soon get better. Next time we go to a Chinese restaurant! Much love Whimpy!"
Dec. 1967: (Mother has a new address) "Dearest Mother-Miss you very much!... XX Jack"
Feb 1968: "Dearest Mother-I think you will enjoy seeing this beautiful picture...Much Love! XX Whimpy"
October 1968: "Dearest Mother I am three days late in writing....but a long letter soon. Much love XXOO Jack"
The last postcard in the series.
Nov 5, 1968:(Election Day, Nixon defeats Humphrey) "Dearest Mammy - I am listening to the election. Seems to be very close. Mailed you a Christmas present and am going to try and come home. XXOO Much, Much Love Whimpy."
Names: Jack Walker, Col John W. Walker, Whimpy Walker, Mrs E.B Walker, Art and Eva, Lily Mae, Jony, Art Sweberg, Nancy, Jean O
I checked my blog's key word analysis stats today and saw the usual suspects:
High School Musical 5 Inaugural Balls HOOKERS CAUGHT ON TAPE do you have to call the state you live in tickets to the inauguration florida miss americasusanpowell Herb Recipe Magazine esoteric herb real hookers caught on Tape what do they do at the inagural ball maveric Herb DC brothel orvilleredenbacher corn on the cob doesn't taste like corn on the cob etc Yep, mostly hookers and herbs--that would be my blog!
Wait, "esoteric herb?"
That's a new one!
Is the secret out? Have the masses finally recognized Herb of DC as THE cultural blog of the new Millennium? After all I am the best source in DC of the latest news in fashion, music, art and corn-based products.
Awesome!
Following the link back I discovered to my horror that the reader was most likely looking for a rap song by "7L & Esoteric" apparently dedicated to me.
I have my own rap number? Did you know about this?
Some choice lyrics to "Herb"
You're a herb, if you say you dig all the time But can't find a sample from beats to the rhyme A herb, if you claim your raps is official But everything you sample is a f*ckin' re-issue
Sounding more and more like Cole Porter with each verse:
A herb, actually, better yet a joke If you glorify suicide and doin' lines of coke If you traded in your comic books and stamps For an Avirex and some SouthPole pants You're a herb, if you live next to Forest Gump But go to school tying your bandana in the front "Yo herb", if you got skills but dress like a nerd Just cause you can rap don't mean you ain't a herb Herb, you're a herb if you claim fame But hide yaself online with a fake screen name
More lyrics that would make Stephen Sondheim smash his piano in frustration and write hummable tunes:
You're a herb, if you fallin' for the Puma fads Cause they got a pair of turntables in their ads A herb, if you never pay for a date A big herb if you never reciprocate
And the big inspirational "Up with People" style finish:
A herb, if you steal out the tip cup If you wear your hat with the visor flipped up You're a herb, if you like this but don't own this If you think it's funny when you f*ckin' with the homeless If you tuck your sweatshirt in ya jeans If you dis the goon group because you left a bean You're a herb, m*therf*cker
I don't even know where to begin.
Since when is Herb not a cool name? I remember in high school how Irving Schmitt, Milton Thayer, Sheldon Buck and I would regularly torture all the Jasons, Jacobs, Justins, Christophers and Tylers in the cafeteria. Oh and Madison. Especially Madison in gym class. Checking the Urban Dictionary I found even more Big Rap attacks on Herb:
Herb
1) (on the streets) A stupid person.
2) (on the internet)A geek or a dork. A stupid person.
3.) synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations.
Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test! Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!
4.) A loser...someone who tries to be like like other people to much...someone whos a cornball etc...
5.) Someone who tries too hard to be cool. An overzealous poseur. When you think you're on some next sh*t, but you're really on some bullsh*t
Panicked I went into Google search overdrive and I found a local sports website that regularly features a "Herb of the Week!" I don't think this honor is meant to be a compliment.
And you didn't tell me? Are you sure you didn't know about this? So I have to wonder, is this the beginning of some Herb vs. Rap war? Does "7L & Esoteric" know who they are dealing with? Yes you may have your booty shaking hos, platinum ice, Escalades with 22 inch spinning rims and ferocious pit bulls. I have garden raking hoes, Sarah Palin Limericks, Pumpkins with spinning 401Ks and Herb Sr.
It's hardly even. Tupac himself would rise up from the grave and run if he knew I had told Herb Sr that rappers oppose the Senior Citizen Discount at the Golden Corral.
This is not the first time the good name of Herb was dragged through the mud. In 1985 Burger King ran a series of ill-conceived and borderline libelous ads about a customer named Herb. The result: Burger King was the #2 hamburger purveyor in 1985. Today it is the 4th largest fast food chain.
1. I know it's none of my business but I would really like for there to be a little White House baby in 2009. I'm not above starting internet rumors to make it happen. Barry and Michelle?
2. Some complain about blogs that only provide links without comments. Here is the link to the latest internet sensation, the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam. My comment: Lucy and Lizzie, you can be replaced!
3. Due to my blog posts or comments, I have been contacted twice in the past month by Mainstream Media to participate in their stories. This is sad.
4. Sarah Plain reminds me of one of those American Idol contestants we laugh at who never makes the finals yet shows up up each new season even more determined. Instead of taking voice lessons or studying music theory she spends the off season memorizing a new song, one more intense and that can be sung at a higher volume than all previous ones. Through sheer determination, tenacity and personality, she dares us to overlook her lack of talent and reminds us over and over that she and she alone deserves to be the next American Idol.
5. I like lemons. I like lemon drops. If you want to smell like a lemon drop use this body scrub. Yum!
6. Those who are saying blogging is dead haven't seen my blog. Well haven't seen my blog in 2009 when I have all those great blog posts about that White House baby.
We all have seen the footage of the crowds celebrating Obama's victory but what happened the moment it was announced? I found on CNN.com today an article about this amazing blog dedicated to showing clips of crowd reactions the instant the Obama victory was announced on CNN. I have to admit I got a little teary eyed at watching and listening to the young and enthusiastic crowd at Georgetown University.
You will hear the crowds begin the countdown, ready to cheer when the countdown clock hits "1" except this time CNN follows that with calling the race for Obama.
What I find stunning is that on some of the clips you can hear the moment it registers with them--the cheering for the countdown switches to screams of joy at the victory!
So who is in a panic trying to find tickets to the Inauguration? If you are Oprah, Gayle, Grandma Biden, Katie Couric, teachers at the Chicago Lab School, Tina Fey, Amtrak conductors, Joy Behar, Bruce Springsteen, John Stewart or are from Scranton, don't worry, you are in. You may confidently purchase your ball attire. If you are a Kennedy, most likely you are in except for, well you know who you are.
Those who are going to a Ball to Nowhere: Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joe the Plumber Country Singer, Aunt Zeituni, Bill Ayers, Scarlett Johansson, anyone Lieberman, Jeremiah Wright, Chuck Norris and the State of Alaska. Hope you kept those receipts! So for the rest of you, how will you get tickets? How can you avoid being scammed or paying high prices for free tickets? I answer many of your emails below.
Dear Herb of DC:
Please send me tickets to the Inauguration Swearing-In ceremony. Could you also include a check refunding your Mother's and my contribution for your 4 years of college at that Prestigious Basketball University? I thought by now you would be a big-shot corporate executive not that I am not proud that you are a Systems Analyst III at the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit.
Thanks
Herb Sr (Retired)
P.S. Please have that check certified
Dear Herb Sr (Retired):
You have a much better chance than I do to obtain tickets! Put down your remote control, pick up your JitterBug phone and contact your Congressman or Senator in one of those Red States you live in and ask to be put on the list for one of the 250,000 free Swearing-In ceremony tickets. You must pick the tickets up in person the week before the inauguration.
There will also be space on the Mall that will not require tickets.
It's already too late to request tickets if you live in DC. Rep. Eleanor "Holmes Rule" Norton has said "Yes We Can't" and asked that people stop contacting her for tickets. Just STOP it people!
You should also know that no website or other ticket outlet actually has Inaugural Swearing-In tickets to sell, regardless of what they may claim.
"Any website or ticket broker claiming that they have inaugural tickets is simply not telling the truth," said Howard Gantman Staff Director for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies. "Tickets for the swearing-in of President-elect are all provided through members of Congress, and the President-elect and Vice President-elect through the Presidential Inaugural Committee. We urge the public to view any offers of tickets for sale with great skepticism."
I am desperate to go to an Inaugural Ball. I will do anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Sexual favors, house cleaning for a year, dog sitting, limericks, free legal advice, etc. I see websites offering tickets now for outrageous sums to Inaugural Balls. Are these legit?
Sincerely
Pink Crocs in the Drive-Thru Lane
P.S. Did I mention that I would do ANYTHING?
Dear Pink:
Take a cold shower, chant "Yes We Can" and calm the heck down! The locations of the Official Inaugural Balls have not been announced. The Presidential Inaugural Committee (PIC), which hasn't even been established yet is responsible for all official balls and galas hosted in honor of the newly-elected President.
Be very cautious in purchasing these tickets online now unless you are purchasing tickets for one of the unofficial Inaugural balls and you can confirm the ball's existence. Exercise great restraint in purchasing tickets to a ball with a location of TBA, has a generic name like "Inaugural Ball" or has tickets that cannot be delivered yet. Those sound like a croc of a scam to me.
Fashionably Yours,
Herb of DC
P.S. Could you define "anything" in the form of a limerick? Oh wait, you did last week.
Dear Herb of DC:
Okay Mr. Smarty, so what's the difference between an official and unofficial Inaugural Ball?
Violating My Restraining Order,
Dave the Auditor
Dear Dave:
That's easy, Dave. Barack twirling Chris Matthews Michelle around the dance floor. Joe and Jill Biden'sJ-Setting dance routine. These take place at the official balls. You will also see politicians, celebrities and people from all around the country celebrating this historic moment. You may also find overcrowding, uninspired food choices, long lines for coat checks and stout Swing State women wearing the best of The Quacker Factory. Ticket proceeds from these balls are used to offset the cost of the inauguration.
The unofficial balls are often more fun with better music and entertainment but there is only a remote chance that you will see some presidential star dust. Unofficial balls are hosted by state societies, veterans organizations, universities, Gay and Lesbian organizations and entertainment media. Celebrities, politicians and ordinary folk will be seen exchanging fist bumps and most likely be better dressed and better fed.
Unofficially Yours,
Herb of DC
Dear Dude of DC:
I had a dope sky Presidential Seal Beer Bong made especially for the Inaugural balls. Which ball venue will be the best for heavy dude partying?
Regards,
DC Hipster Prince
Dear Hipster:
Try Clinton's first Inaugural.
Party on,
Herb of DC
Dear Douche of DC:
But you still haven't told us how to get tickets to Inaugural Balls!
Getting Annoyed,
Doug in LasFelices
Dear DILF:
Okay, my friend here you go.
Start networking now! Do you have a relative in another state who is a party official or a big donor? That relative is now your favorite! Send homemade "Change Happened" cookies now! Have them start working their connections!
Call your own Senators and Representatives. Email anyone you know who worked on the Obama campaign. Continue making donations to the Democratic National Committee, State Parties or the Obama campaign. When The Presidential Inaugural Committee is formed contact individual members or any website they may set up. Don't forget to mention how you knocked on every door in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Florida until your knuckles bled.
Watch online for the unofficial balls as they open up. Buy your tickets now directly from the organizations (charging on a credit card for safety) and not through a ticket broker.
Do not pay cash for any of these tickets!
And if all else fails chill out and organize your own party.
Regards,
Herb of DC
P.S. Oh yeah the Inaugural Parade. Free bleacher seat tickets from your Representatives and Senators.
