Goodbye Crack House Bathroom!

I finally decided--the 3rd floor Crack House Bathroom has got to go! Not the best time financially to do this but I can't take any more of the bizarro 80's layout with leaky outdated fixtures, a desk area, two window seats,an interior Peek-A-Boo interior window, two phone jacks, gray "industrial" carpeting and a floor that is 3 inches higher on one side from the other.

Using Servicemagic to help screen contractors I eventually settled on JNR Construction of Port Republic, MD. which promises:

#1 in customer service
Your own personal project manager from plan to finish
Over 20 yrs experience
Competitive prices Top value

Okay, maybe it wasn't the lowest bid (or the highest) but I felt comfortable with owner, John Jimenez who had some helpful ideas in the intial planning.

I won't miss the cracked, cold water only sink with the interior window that looked out into the master bedroom.




















What was in the purpose of those window seats, anyway?



















The demolition begins and J N R Construction gets busy! And I really need to select the tile...

Fu-Tile Part 1

Let's say that despite the pretty pictures on your blog you are design and color challenged. Let's just pretend okay? I didn't say this is about ME!

So despite your current financial, employment and other life challenges you decide that now would be a good time to renovate a master bath. Remember this is just in theory, a theory like "Evolution" or "Kate 2.0."

After several trips around town to various tile emporiums you are overwhelmed by the selection of porcelain, ceramic, stone, slate, marble, sandstone, granite, metal, glass, limestone or travertine tiles all costing the equivalent of the price of an education at one of America's prestigious colleges such as Monroe College.

What's a boy to do? Let's explore more for our hypothetical home owner, "Bert."

Option # 1 is from the Tile Shop". Classically handsome "Bert" likes classic but fashionable slate tile but doesn't want slate tile with boring old slate trim. The nice young salesperson at the Tile Shop ("Calvin") recommend using 1" X 1" glass tile along with the slate as a "focal wall" in the shower and the back splash over the vanity. There's also something about a one inch strip of the glass tile along side of the 16" X 16 " slate squares on the floor. In addition there are 15" X 23" and 4" X 4" slate tiles applied on various walls and floors.

A "knee wall" is also required to be encased in slate tile. The "knee wall" surrounds a toilet.

The mind boggles.

What have I, I mean "Bert" been doing wrong all these years without a "knee wall?"

Mongolian Desert Slate Tile



















Hartford Glass Mosaic


















Questions:

Do you think this combination will work? Is this too busy?

Are slate tiles already a passe 2008 trend like matching 401K contributions or "Change We Can Believe In?"

How many bathrooms have you seen this year and why? What tile trends have you noticed? By the way who was holding back your hair?

Please describe your first encounter with a "knee wall." Did your mind boggle?

Is this all a huge waste of money since no one will ever see "Bert's" shower anyway?

Up soon, Option 2:

"Tumbled" Travertine with Listellos. Dry.

You Too Can Be "Joe the Plumber" in 15 Minutes or Less!

Let's face it, Wall Street Bankers and Washington Bureaucrats are so last month and plumbers are in right now! Who cares about your mastery of arcane financial derivatives? How are your plumbing skills? Are you tired of paying outrageous hourly rates to rich plumbers for what should be a simple fix? Follow these directions and you can fix a leaky faucet, stabilize the financial markets and become the "Joe the Plumber" of your block in 15 minutes or less!

First put on your plumber's coveralls. Coveralls prevent an outbreak of the dreaded plumber's crack when bending under the sink and guards against showing your bear market when running from the elite liberal media.

























Next turn off the water beneath the sink. Don't know which way to turn the shut off valve? Remember the phrase "Righty Tighty and Lefty Loosey!" You will want to make a turn to the right here to stop the irrational exuberance.


















As Herb Sr would say, don't start the job until you have the right tools! This is a plunger and although it would be helpful to unclog the credit crisis that is paralyzing markets it is the wrong tool for fixing a leak. You need a flat head screwdriver and perhaps a Phillips head screwdriver!

























Possum the cat is not a Phillips head screwdriver or a Mortgage Backed Derivative. Henry F. Phillips (1890 – 1958), a U.S. businessman from Portland, Oregon, first patented the Phillips head screw and screwdriver. Mr Phillips was the first to say "It is your patriotic duty to pay taxes." Later he lost his patent proving that you can faithfully pay taxes for years yet still get screwed.


























This is not a flat head screwdriver either (it is Lizzie who is technically a dog). Dogs are great as plumbers assistants especially if you need to test the potability of the water in a toilet bowl.

It is an unfortunate Urban Legend that the flat head screwdriver is named for American choreographer Erie Flatt.
























When you finally find the correct screwdrivers, you are ready to go where no man on your block has gone before!
























Pop off the top of the handle with your flat head screwdriver. Drill, baby drill! Loosen the screw inside with a "Lefty Loosey" until you can remove it.

























Now pry off the handle. Replace the washer with a new one you purchased at Home Depot or Lowes. What you haven't done that yet? You might want to add an hour (or four) to your 15 minutes. Actually washers come in packages of 10 so if you carefully slide one out and kept your receipt...

Put the handle back on and tighten the screw with some "Righty Tighty" action. Be careful! If you tighten to the right too much you could raise interest rates and stifle growth. Too little tightening can set interest rates too low and encourage inflation. Feeling the pressure?

Put the top of the handle back on.


























You are almost done! Go back under the sink and do some major "Lefty Loosey" to turn the water back on and be prepared for a sudden bailout. However, if you followed these steps your leak should be fixed and you will have your "Joe the Plumber" cred! CNN will have your number on speed dial, crowds will chant your name and your opinions will be sought on Collateralized Debt Obligations!

Enjoy your 15 minutes!


























Photography by JessiCub

Martha Stewart's July 4th Eviction!

Dear Martha Stewart:

You know I admire you and think you are a marketing genius, but I finally had to evict you from my kitchen. I gave you a year but I never really liked your paint color, “Pumpkin Pie” that I painted it with. I really thought this deep earth tone would be a warm and rich color but frankly Martha Stewart, sometimes it didn’t look so much as earthy as it looked dirty. (There I did it: I used “Martha Stewart” and “dirty” in the same sentence. Let the perverted Google searches that bring Martha Stewart fetishists to my blog begin.)

Admittedly "Pumpkin Pie" looked good October-November but once Christmas season was upon us it was starting to look a little tired and stale. You taught us all how to make Birch-de Noel

but in the orange glow of my kitchen, it looked more like Rachael Rays Smoked Salmon Pizza.

February rolled around and while your TV show featured a "Tribute to the Red Carpet" at the Oscars, the only Oscar tribute my kitchen could muster was to actresses wearing orangey Spray-on-Tan

On St Patrick's Day you made Irish soda bread. It looked so warm and delicious in the dignified and restrained colors of your TV kitchen. In mine it looked like it was covered in Velveeta. Oh wait, Martha Stewart, you probably don’t know what Velveeta is. My bread had the glow of an orange prison jumpsuit butternut squash.

The 4^th of July this year was a three day weekend and I knew it was time to finally quit you. I went to Lowes since it carries your brand and I ended up being part of a Lowes staff meeting being held in the paint department. It was very unsettling. Maybe you should speak to Mr. Lowes about this.

Wanting to go green I hoped to try your melons ("Rainwet Melon Patch" or "Westport Honey Dew") or your cans ("Green Tin" or "Gooseberry Preserves") but I had trouble concentrating on your wares. Maybe it was all those Lowes employees clapping and chanting next to your sample cards? There was a lot more room by Olympic Paints and that is why I went with the simply named "Green Grape.”

I have attached some pictures below. I think you will like this color and I feel that your brown transferware would look great displayed on the walls if you would like to send me some gratis to make up for my year held hostage by your pumpkins.

Regards

Herb of DC

Zen Waterfall

The sound of running water is very soothing unless it is coming from your ceiling. Turning off the air conditioner during the biggest heat wave of the year seems to stop the tide.

Refinancing with My BFF!

I'm no Alan Greenspan but I suspect the recent decline in mortgage interest rates will be as short-lived as an appearance by the sisters Spears at a Planned Parenthood meeting. Therefore, I've been looking for options to refinance my mortgage and my outstanding home equity line of credit (HELOC) balance.

My equity has not been used as my personal piggy bank for hair plugs fancy vacations or lipo and I tried to wisely use my HELOC to replace mechanicals, remodel a bathroom and update the kitchen-- all jobs that I am assured on HGTV I will receive close to a 100% rate of return on my investments. Or at least they said so last season. My concern though was that since the HELOC is a variable rate product at some point in the high interest rate future it will be difficult to make the increasingly large payments on my not so high non-profit salary.

After some online research I found a rate that I thought was really good. Really good! Since my loan hasn't closed yet I won't reveal the name of the mortgage company but it is the one that currently services my mortgage and is often mentioned in relation to the mortgage meltdown. Let's just say it kinda rhymes with County Slide Mortgage.

My County Slide mortgage consultant, Bo was your typical frat dude turned telephone sales guy. He wanted to have fun. It's Friday!!! He confidentially told me wanted to make his boss mad and find me a great deal. He wanted me to join him me doing body shots off of the loan processor. He wanted to be my BFF!!!!

I'm a very poor negotiator but I know that saying "I need to think about it overnight" after a lengthy discussion of loan terms is like saying "I think HE is innocent" to Nancy Grace. Lots of frothing at the mouth ensues and considerable effort action will be taken to prevent you from having the last word. Ever.

Points started coming down. Fees shaved. Rules bent. "Dude my boss will kill me but..." However, my great rate stayed the same. I agreed to proceed with the application and Bo-bro and I engaged in a series of telephonic congratulatory chest bumping.

Since I was already a customer and have a good credit score, the loan was eligible to be a "Fast Track" mortgage. No proof of income. No new appraisal needed. Am I really that good of a BFF? Shouldn't County Slide at the minimum ask to be my friend on MySpace first? Isn't this how the mortgage crisis occurred to begin with? Regardless, Bo-dude and I would be rolling a big fat HUD-1 and smoking it in seven days to celebrate.

My main shortie Bo explained to me that my appraisal on file would be used to calculate my current value:

"In 2005 your house was appraised for $XXX, XXX. Our computer program now shows it is worth $YYY,YYY. "

OUCH! Bo-boi you and your computer are killing me!!!!

I've lost over 20% of my appraised value in three years? Does the DC Office of Tax and Revenue know this? I've updated the kitchen and bathroom! Have you seen my new boiler? I think this is when on TV they cut to commercial and the HGTV hostess is attacked with a satin nickel towel bar, her head violently slammed against natural stone counter tops before stuffing her lifeless body into a stainless steel bottom mount refrigerator.

"Uh oh" said the Bo-ster. "Unfortunately, we DO need to get an appraisal. Your property is rated in a '3' zone which means it is in a soft market. This will delay your funding another week to 10 days."

I am at the age where the word soft is normally only welcome in relation to "food" or "porn" but I didn't think this was a deal breaker. However my Bo-meister wingman was determined to Fast Track my deal so we could cash out in time to head to Spring Break together.

"Let me try this. I'll lower your appraised value and submit it again. OK. That worked. Awesome! We should be closing in seven days."

So in the space of a 30 minute phone call I lost 20 % of my home equity and now the consultant lowered it even more to get my loan approved without an appraisal? I've been Fast Tracked! Shouldn't I be celebrating?

I'm not complaining. Much. I have a great low rate (4.125%). My new payment is less than my combined mortgage and HELOC payment were before with about a two year payback to cover points and fees.

I also have a new BFF. Bo, call me! Seriously, we can get manny peddies.

But somehow despite being Fast Tacked I feel a little poorer.

Conversations with My Fisher & Paykel Harem

My Dear Fisher & Paykel Appliances:

Oh my lovely dishdrawers! I loved you from the moment I saw you! Two drawers! No matronly Midwestern Whirlpool monogadishwasher for me! I will wash dishes using a minimum of water and power! I will be green! Clinching the deal was when the nice Bray and Scarff salesman asked if I was aware of the "party mode."

"Party mode?"

"Yes, when you are having a party, pop out the dish racks and fill the drawers with ice."

Although the last party I threw was somehow connected with the now long gone night club Tracks, this convinced me you were my eHarmony match in polygamist appliance heaven.

I will be green. I will be popular again. I will have dishdrawer three ways. I will always be in party mode.

However, in less than five months this is the second time you have abandoned me. The first time the helpful Bray and Scarff repairman said I had overloaded you. How is that possible? We haven't even had a party yet! Just quiet romantic dinners followed by a little one or two drawer action.

Regardless I started loading you with fewer dishes which means I have to run you more often. I don't think that is very green of you quite frankly.

After the most recent breakdown the repairman suggested I was using the wrong kind of soap. Since the dishwasher was starting to smell I had wiped down the inside of the drawers using liquid dish washing liquid. Through some kind of on-the-spot CSI analysis he assumed I had been using this soap when running the dish drawers.

"No. I only did this AFTER it broke down and started to smell."

Once again a circuit board was ordered and I await for you to be returned to my fading green household on Monday.


Joining the two of you in jilting me is your trollop sister--my Fisher & Paykel refrigerator. How I was seduced by your curves. How you fit perfectly in my non-standard size kitchen. How I loved the fact that you were a bottom mount.

But yesterday I noticed a little water in the mount of your bottom. By the morning it was clear, both the freezer and refrigerator sections weren't cooling. Were you jealous of the attention your tramp dish drawer sisters were getting? Did I overload you with love? Am I using the wrong kind of soap?

I feel sad right now because I still love all three of you. Please come back! Let's try to make this work!

I am fervently hoping that on Monday your love for me will be restored and my Fisher & Paykel harem will be complete again. It's unfair to ask the GE cooktop to do all the work on Thanksgiving. In the meantime I am off to get some paper plates and another bag of dry ice--five pounds at a time. I don't want to overload you.

Love,

Herb