Monday, August 9, 2010

Parking Tickets with Attitude!

DC has added some new text to parking tickets. Not only did I over stay my two hour limit but these terms were "CLEARLY POSTED."

Oh, snap.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

DC Is One Thing DC Housewives Is Not!

10:03 PM Quick Recap of "The Real Housewives of DC" premiere (RHoDC) a/k/a "The Real Housewives of I-66."

Michaele and Tareq Salahi host the sparsely attended Goat Cup Polo match at Frying Pan Farm Park in Herndon, VA and she scares the few guests by sneaking up and hugging them. "This is why I was casted just for my hugs. I'm shy so instead of talked I hug" she said as she made up odd baritone verb forms and clumsily attempted to hugged the caterer, a process server and the cameraman.

We are introduced to Lynda and Mary at the Manassas Mall IHOP splitting a Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Breakfast platter (Janet Jackson's favorite!). Lynda is bitter that Mary ate both buttermilk pancakes crowned with cool strawberry topping while she was trying to recruit the waitresses to join her "Top Modeling Agency in the
Washington-Baltimore-Northern Virginia, DC-MD-VA-WV Combined Statistical Area." Mary blathers on and on about the Kennedys and hints at a "special" relationship with JFK and Lynda is puzzled as to why she would drive so far to that NY airport when Dulles is practically next door.

Cat calls Stacie to invite her to lunch assuming that the only restaurant in DC is Ben's Chili Bowl. "My husband's rude boss ate there once" Cat purrs "and he didn't pay." Stacie wonders why someone from Baltimore has such a posh accent and tries to trick her into revealing her Charm City roots by ending each sentence with "Hon."

Cat further complains about Obama and reveals her previously hidden knowledge of constitutional law by referencing a heretofore obscure part of the 14th Amendment that requires the President to attend all White House Correspondent Award ceremonies. "Bush attended when my husband won an award and Obama didn't. George couldn't find weapons of mass destruction but he could always find his manners." Stacie informs Jason that he will have to hold her gold the next time she runs into Cat.

Surprise Sixth Housewife, former DC City Councilwoman and everyone's favorite moderate Republican, Carol Schwartz agrees to meet Michaele Salahi at Sweetwater Tavern in Sterling, VA as soon as HOV restrictions end for the night. Carol, alarmed by Michaele's gaunt appearance suggests that she might be anorexic which Michaele hotly denies and then offers to split her dinner with Carol--a Tic-Tac and mineral water. Carol refuses the offer and instead orders Drunken Rib Eye Steak with horseradish sauce. While Michaele gets up to hug a Bail Bondsman, Carol ashes in her mineral water and then hides the basket of dinner rolls in her hair.

Mary takes her large brood to Sears Family Portraits at Fair Oaks Mall for a holiday photo. Instead of asking them to say "cheese" she attempts to get them to say "Outer Loop" and "Inner Loop" and then fails miserably at explaining the difference. She also suggests that "Cabin John" is named after JFK Jr as is "I-270", the "Wilson" Bridge and "Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport."


The Real Housewives of D.C. introduces six intriguing women whose relationships with each other, and with the city in which they live, are a compelling combination to explore the nexus of politics, society, and even race, as well as how the proximity to political power dictates where one fits within Washington-Baltimore-Northern Virginia, DC-MD-VA-WV Combined Statistical Area society.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Four Reasons to Return to Blogging

1. The Power of Being a Blog Bitch--I've had some success using Facebook and Twitter to escalate complaints about customer service suckage but there is nothing better than a long and snark filled blog rant about how The Large Monopoly Cable Company can kiss your Area of Dominant Influence (ADI) as defined by the Telecommunications Act of 1996. Plus there's the satisfaction that knowing that your rant will remain somewhere out on the interwerbs for years for anyone Googling "Eat my rancid maggot-filled compost pile, ComTwat." Contrast that with getting upset and yelling into the phone "I'm going to Tweet my ass off about about this." Yeah I know, lame.

2. Albert Haynesworth. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Repeat 21 million times.

3. Corn shuckers. Can you believe that there still are poor misguided people out there who insist on shucking their corn at the grocery store? I thought I had wiped out this scourge a couple of years ago but surprisingly no other blogger has picked up this crusade since I retired. Please people, just stop it. You look idiotic stripping your corn in the produce aisle of Giant.

4. The Real Housewives of DC (RHoDC). Bravo TV offers up one more reason for America to despise Washington by bringing it's hair extension pulling Housewive franchise to the DC Metro Area. And by DC Metro Area I mean Front Royal, Va. Bravo TV Senior VP Andy Cohen has said that this will "be the Masterpiece Theater of Housewives" which presumably means that the table will be properly set for tea and dainty cucumber sandwiches before it is flipped.