Parking Tickets with Attitude!

DC has added some new text to parking tickets. Not only did I over stay my two hour limit but these terms were "CLEARLY POSTED."

Oh, snap.

DC Is One Thing DC Housewives Is Not!

10:03 PM Quick Recap of "The Real Housewives of DC" premiere (RHoDC) a/k/a "The Real Housewives of I-66."

Michaele and Tareq Salahi host the sparsely attended Goat Cup Polo match at Frying Pan Farm Park in Herndon, VA and she scares the few guests by sneaking up and hugging them. "This is why I was casted just for my hugs. I'm shy so instead of talked I hug" she said as she made up odd baritone verb forms and clumsily attempted to hugged the caterer, a process server and the cameraman.


We are introduced to Lynda and Mary at the Manassas Mall IHOP splitting a Rooty Tooty Fresh N' Fruity Breakfast platter (Janet Jackson's favorite!). Lynda is bitter that Mary ate both buttermilk pancakes crowned with cool strawberry topping while she was trying to recruit the waitresses to join her "Top Modeling Agency in the Washington-Baltimore-Northern Virginia, DC-MD-VA-WV Combined Statistical Area." Mary blathers on and on about the Kennedys and hints at a "special" relationship with JFK and Lynda is puzzled as to why she would drive so far to that NY airport when Dulles is practically next door.

Cat calls Stacie to invite her to lunch assuming that the only restaurant in DC is Ben's Chili Bowl. "My husband's rude boss ate there once" Cat purrs "and he didn't pay." Stacie wonders why someone from Baltimore has such a posh accent and tries to trick her into revealing her Charm City roots by ending each sentence with "Hon."

Cat further complains about Obama and reveals her previously hidden knowledge of constitutional law by referencing a heretofore obscure part of the 14th Amendment that requires the President to attend all White House Correspondent Award ceremonies. "Bush attended when my husband won an award and Obama didn't. George couldn't find weapons of mass destruction but he could always find his manners." Stacie informs Jason that he will have to hold her gold the next time she runs into Cat.

Surprise Sixth Housewife, former DC City Councilwoman and everyone's favorite moderate Republican, Carol Schwartz agrees to meet Michaele Salahi at Sweetwater Tavern in Sterling, VA as soon as HOV restrictions end for the night. Carol, alarmed by Michaele's gaunt appearance suggests that she might be anorexic which Michaele hotly denies and then offers to split her dinner with Carol--a Tic-Tac and mineral water. Carol refuses the offer and instead orders Drunken Rib Eye Steak with horseradish sauce. While Michaele gets up to hug a Bail Bondsman, Carol ashes in her mineral water and then hides the basket of dinner rolls in her hair.

Mary takes her large brood to Sears Family Portraits at Fair Oaks Mall for a holiday photo. Instead of asking them to say "cheese" she attempts to get them to say "Outer Loop" and "Inner Loop" and then fails miserably at explaining the difference. She also suggests that "Cabin John" is named after JFK Jr as is "I-270", the "Wilson" Bridge and "Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport."

**************************************

The Real Housewives of D.C. introduces six intriguing women whose relationships with each other, and with the city in which they live, are a compelling combination to explore the nexus of politics, society, and even race, as well as how the proximity to political power dictates where one fits within Washington-Baltimore-Northern Virginia, DC-MD-VA-WV Combined Statistical Area society.

Four Reasons to Return to Blogging

1. The Power of Being a Blog Bitch--I've had some success using Facebook and Twitter to escalate complaints about customer service suckage but there is nothing better than a long and snark filled blog rant about how The Large Monopoly Cable Company can kiss your Area of Dominant Influence (ADI) as defined by the Telecommunications Act of 1996. Plus there's the satisfaction that knowing that your rant will remain somewhere out on the interwerbs for years for anyone Googling "Eat my rancid maggot-filled compost pile, ComTwat." Contrast that with getting upset and yelling into the phone "I'm going to Tweet my ass off about about this." Yeah I know, lame.

2. Albert Haynesworth. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Repeat 21 million times.

3. Corn shuckers. Can you believe that there still are poor misguided people out there who insist on shucking their corn at the grocery store? I thought I had wiped out this scourge a couple of years ago but surprisingly no other blogger has picked up this crusade since I retired. Please people, just stop it. You look idiotic stripping your corn in the produce aisle of Giant.


4. The Real Housewives of DC (RHoDC). Bravo TV offers up one more reason for America to despise Washington by bringing it's hair extension pulling Housewive franchise to the DC Metro Area. And by DC Metro Area I mean Front Royal, Va. Bravo TV Senior VP Andy Cohen has said that this will "be the Masterpiece Theater of Housewives" which presumably means that the table will be properly set for tea and dainty cucumber sandwiches before it is flipped.

Happy 4th of July from the Brady Bunch and Herb

Sometimes I miss my blog, especially around the holidays when I turn to the Brady Bunch for familial love, companionship and coordinated outfits.

What could be more Americana, 4th of July and apple pie than the Brady Bunch singing, dancing and synchronized swimming to "Yankee Doodle Dandy?"

Have a Happy and Healthy 4th, y'all*.

*Y'all includes the 4 or 5 people who still come to this blog daily from Google searches of "Why do people shuck corn in the store?", "Hookers on Tape" or "DC brothels."

Waiting in Line--The Review?

As the #1 Fanboy, I staked my place in line early last week so I would be first to purchase the coveted goods. All weekend I huddled in my sleeping bag through the cold, wind, rain and finally heat all the while fighting off nerdy line crashers. I even had to listen to daily renditions of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" in 1323 different programming languages including I think, European but I would not be dissuaded from my mission! Yet here it is Monday, 7:00pm and CVS STILL HAS NOT PUT ITS EASTER CANDY ON SALE! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT???? SRSLY!

Snowmageddon 2010--Don't Forget the Bikes!

14th St NW

"Dude, where's my bike?"

Meridian Hill Park Snowball Fight

Or you could've just stayed inside on your warm couch!

The $6000 Tweet!

I've had a Twitter account for a few months and never really used it. I couldn't get into Twitticisms like “I'm enjoying my delicious Eggo now” that seems to be Lingua Franca of the Twitterverse. So my Twitter ID sat unused like my gym membership and my blog for most of the year until January 19th.

That night while watching the "Haiti: How Can I Help" telethon hosted by Larry King on CNN it seemed like the perfect opportunity to try some celeb Tweeting. I mean they even had a Tweet Suite for chrissakes (puns are big in the Land o' Twitter) to read viewer Tweets on the air. Maybe amongst Jennifer Lopez, Paula Abdul, Jared Leto, Maria Bello, Ryan Seacrest, Nicole Richie, Joel Madden, Snoop Dogg, Sean "Diddy" Combs, Ben Stiller, Mick Jagger, John Mayer, Jeff Probst, Ashley Judd, Kobe Bryant and others I could find someone (or their assistant) to at least Retweet one of my requests.

My chance at fame and fortune! Or at least a way to kill some time on the Tweekend. (Clearly my life is boring but we've discussed that before--see all blog posts here, 2009 and most of 2008).

Going for the low hanging Tweet I sent a message to Larry asking him to auction off a pair of his suspenders. I followed that up with the same Tweet to Ryan Seacrest and Jeff Probst.

@Jeff_Probst Larry King CNN Telethon Jeff please ask Larry King to auction off his suspenders at the end of the auction.

Twaiting for about an hour, am I hearing this right? Pay dirt! Jeff Probst read to Ryan Seacrest my Tweet on air. My Tweet was displayed in the background in HDTV. I'm in Twittercal mass!

Except Jeff got my name wrong.

Herbal.

HERBAL!

Some sort of combination of my first name with my fancy frenchified last name.

HERBAL??? Was that a Tweetsult? Had I been Twittsed?

Thanks Jeff. Or JeffPro!

Immediately I started getting emails—"Was that you, Herbal?" My FaceBook account also lit up like Herbs on fire. Even the French challenged Jeff Probst Tweeted me back:

"Jeff_Probst @herble Dude, look what you started. already at $1000 because of your idea"

Jeff Probst called me DUDE! Srsly! Okay, maybe I could forgive him for calling me Herbal.

I'm now King of the Twitterati as my Tweets bounced around the Twittosphere!

Soon we learned that it was Jared Leto who had purchased the suspenders for $1000 outbidding Ryan Seacrest.

Next Ben Stiller bought another pair of Larry's suspenders for $1000 and I'm feeling Twittastic!

Total: $2000

Auction momentum builds as Sean "Diddy" Combs announced that a caller buying a pair of Larry's suspenders was also going to pay $1000 for Diddy's sunglasses. Twitterphoria!

Total: $4000

In the below video Sean "Diddy" Combs ups the ante and said he has a doctor on the phone that would pay $2000 for a pair. Meanwhile I'm twitterpated!

Total: $6000



Diddy said the next 5 pairs would go for $5000 and the 5 after that for $10,000. I'm not sure if any of those sold at that price but regardless I'm Twitterific! Shortly thereafter the telethon ended and viewers saw Jared Leto leave carrying Larry's suspenders. Fortunately the world was spared from seeing a Larry King wardrobe malfunction.

Did I tell you that Jeff Probst called me “Dude?” What a Tweetheart!

Maybe I'm tweet-dropping here but I'm happy to say that my little Tweet raised at least $6000 for Haiti Relief! I'm not even Twittish that the news media thinks this was Ryan Seacrest's idea.

My name is Herbal, I'm a Dude and yes, I'm a Tweetaholic!


















Jared Leto leaves the CNN Studio with his new $1000 suspenders.

You Missed My Birthday!

Again!

But Herb Sr remembered:

The Annual Birthday Call from Herb Sr:

(Ring)
"Hello"
"This is your Dad-Happy Birthday!"
"Aw thanks. How are you..."
" Whoops, commercial break for American Idol is over. Have a good birthday. Your card is in the mail."
(click).