Saturday, October 27, 2007

Maryland SUV Drivers --You Know Who You Are!


After almost getting hit twice Friday October 26 5:00-5:07 PM 13th and U and 14th and U NW, Washington DC

Dearest State of Maryland SUV drivers:

1. I can understand your eagerness each day to leave as quickly as possible the squalid commuter tax-less confines of DC! I mean DC isn't even a STATE yet here is where the job is located that allows you to afford the lease on your big ass Chesapeake Bay polluting vehicle so SLOW THE F**K DOWN when leaving here until you see the Gladys Noon Spellman Parkway sign!!!! Repeat: I said SLOW DOWN and don't be so babe ruthless behind the wheel! Stop and smell the Black-Eyed Susans!!!

2. When attempting to turn left at a busy DC intersection, one waits until oncoming traffic has cleared before safely turning left. You do not spring forward like a filly in heat at Preakness the second the light turns green daring those in wimpy paid-for hybrids to hit your rolling over-sized Star Spangled Crab Trap while you are illegally turning left.

3. When pedestrians are in the crosswalk, you do not drive your Panhandle Wal Mart-on-Wheels into the crosswalk weaving your merry Old Bay between DC weenies who are wussy enough to walk or use Metro.

4. I am sure that parallel parking your
big carbon footprint Yeti is challenging and you have have few opportunities to practice in your souless suburban Eastern Bore Maryland apartment complex. However, your solution of parking next to a perfectly good parking spot while blocking a lane of traffic AND said parking spot is not only illegal but stupid and a Terrapin idea, hon! At least make an attempt to to parallel park that Ocean Pity Monster and if you Oriole a few bumpers of nearby parked DC cars, why that's their fault by not being a Demolition Derby visionary like you!

5. Putting your blinker signals on while doing the old "College Park Dine and Dash" into Starbucks when parked in a "No Parking from 4:00 PM to 6:30 PM" traffic lane does not make your Old Line trashy double-wide skipjack invisible or allow other cars to magically pass through it.

6. Get off your cellphone! It is against DC law and despite your clear disdain for anything or anyone DC, this law does apply to you even though you live in the great Free State of Maryland! I know! And DC isn't even a STATE! And you OWN lease a big expensive SUV!!! I realize your commute is edgar allan poe boring and you really need to update your big haired girlfriend on everything your raven b*tch boss said to you at the copier today but you are the one who chose to make a daily 60 minute steaming calvert contribution to global warming. Some day your Prince will come and his name will NOT be Georges! So channel your inner harbor, own it and GET the HELL off the phone, pay attention and drive a little more carefully so I don't have to personally...


Herb of DC

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