Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Great Brothel Throwdown--The Washington Metro's Hookers Versus the Bunny Ranch's Bunnys!

Now that we have learned that the Washington Metro, especially the red hot Red Line is offering prostitution as a new service to generate revenue and relieve the stress of its record crowds, I decided to compare the Metro's newest service with the oldest profession as represented by the famous Nevada brothel the Bunny Ranch (NSFW).

In comparing the two by viewing their FAQs I found remarkable similarity between the two service providers but over all for Customer Service the Bunny Ranch comes out a head (cough-cough).

What are your hours?

Bunny Ranch: 24 X 7 365 days of the year since 1955.

Metro: Opens 5:00 am weekdays, 7:00 am weekends. Closes Sun-Thurs Midnight, Sat and Sunday 3:00 a.m. Closes sometimes in inclement weather (or threat of inclement weather).

How many bunnys are there?

Bunny Ranch: There are over 500 ladies licensed for your pleasure here. There are approximately 40-50 at any given time.

Metro: Two station managers and a custodian named Pam.

I don't want to be recognized. Do you have private entrances?

Bunny Ranch: We do have private entrances here at the ranch. Anonymity is not a problem.

Metro: Public elevators and frequently broken down escalators.

Do you take credit cards?

Bunny Ranch: Credit cards and there is an ATM on site

Metro: Cash, Credit cards or SmarTrip Cards

Do you take virgins?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. The Bunny Ranch has turned into the devirginizing capital of America.

Metro: Yes and they usually can be seen standing to the left.

Do I have to have a line up?

Bunny Ranch: No. A line up is not required. You are welcome to come in and have a cocktail at our bar or in our parlor and select your Bunny.

Metro: Pam will be paged over the Metro loudspeaker system.

Do you serve food?

Bunny Ranch: There is a restaurant called Dick’s Roadhouse located less than a half-mile away. Delivery is available upon request.

Metro: No. Up to a $100 fine for eating or drinking.

Do you sell alcohol?

Bunny Ranch: Yes, we have a full service bar. We charge neighborhood prices, not inflated strip club prices.

Metro. No but patrons are frequently heard screaming "I am soooo drunk!" on weekend nights.

Do you sell Merchandise?

Bunny Ranch: We sell shirts, hats, lighters, hot sauce, cozies, water bottles, shot glasses and other items customized with a picture of your favorite Bunny.

Metro: T shirts, mugs and umbrellas customized with your favorite Metro station name.

Is there a Dress Code?

Bunny Ranch: You don’t have to get dressed up, but cleanliness and a little common sense helps you get a little further with the ladies.

Metro: Tourist casual.

Military Discount:

Bunny Ranch: Talk to your favorite bunny. They take pride in themselves in taking care of our servicemen.

Metro: No

Are you Handicap Accessible?

Bunny Ranch: Yes. As of Dec. 2006

Metro: Yes

Do you Have She-Males?

Bunny Ranch: No. But all the bunnys can accommodate you with their personal [adult toys].

Metro: Well. Not sure. But it is the Dupont Circle station.

Slogan:

Bunny Ranch: America's Hottest Cat House!

Metro (current): Metro Opens Doors!

Metro (new): Metro's Open Whores!

Any other suggestions for a new slogan?

3 comments:

jimbo said...

Some cities have a red light district, but we have the Red Line in The District.

Bob said...

Best. Post. Ever.

MightyMe said...

I think I actually encountered the PA madam once. She was awfully nice. I really just wanted to fund my lost SmarTrip card--nothing else!