Don't you just hate it when you spend months planning a party and then the guests complain about the seven layer dip only having six layers or having to dry their hands on the curtains because you put out the good guest towels in the bathroom? Yeah me too. Regardless, please have a seat, listen up and I will offer up a few suggestions for what I would have done if I had been asked to add some Fun-guration to the Inauguration of Barack Obama.
Security
To have a Fun-guration we need you to relax the Butt-Clench of Death you have on the District this week. I understand your need to secure the area immediately around the Obamas but the greatest demonstration of the strength and vitality of our democracy is a free and fabulous Inaugural, not one where residents of DC are locked in and Virginia locked out.
Let our people go. And Virginia in. Let's have fun!
The Inaugural Parade
Oh where do I start with this one? Everybody loves a parade and this should be the one event that all the residents and visitors to DC can come together to knock back a few beers and view. Unfortunately the traditional route along Pennsylvania Avenue from 4th St past dreary government office buildings to the White House doesn't leave a lot of room or opportunities for our guests to share body shots. Even my beloved Southern Indiana West Side Nut Club Fall Festival parade has a longer and wetter route.
Here's a suggestion: turn right on 6th St and march up to I Street and return to Pennsylvania Avenue by traversing down 7th St. The parade route is now tripled in size and weaves by the bars and restaurants of Penn Quarter and the Verizon center! PAR-TAY! Won't that also be good for the local economy and great national publicity for the Verizon Center? Maybe Verizon will kick in a big contribution to the Presidential Inaugural Committee and comp me a hot new Blackberry Storm Smart phone 'cause this was my idea?
View Larger Map
Okay so maybe there might be an awkward photo opportunity when the Obamas drive by "Hooters" on 7th St but isn't that something for the incoming Press Secretary to deal with?
The list of parade participants is a bit bland and predictable with its marching bands, military drill teams and mounted horse guard units. At least there aren't any clowns. No one really likes clowns. But change we believe in would add some fabulous drag queens to the Fun-guration parade.
By the way the already scheduled parade participants, Alabama's "Azalea Trail Maids" are not technically drag queens but I understand your confusion.
Parking
Here's how to fix the parking problem: instead of being all Inaugural Debbie Downers by closing bridges and roads and telling everyone within 25 miles to walk or swim, just simply announce that DC will have the normal weekday parking restrictions and if you park illegally YOU WILL BE TICKETED AND/OR TOWED by DC's astonishingly efficient army of
Think of all the extra money the District will collect! Fun-guration? Maybe not but at least I will be able to park on my street.
The Inaugural Balls
Don't get me started on the tickets to the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball that for whatever reason, didn't necessarily go to your neighbors. Or me. But at least I'm not bitter about it. Much.
So instead of talking about my tux that won't be seen, let's address the music. The word is out that the first dance the Obamas will waltz to is Beyonce singing the Etta James hit "At Last."
Really?
"At Last?"
Is this a Fun-guration Ball or my cousin Norman's wedding reception?
You have Beyonce there and she currently has a monster hit "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It." Let Beyonce be Beyonce and sing the song everyone came to hear her sing.
It's a Fun-guration!
And Mr.Big Shot President-Elect, maybe after twirling Michelle across the stage you could put some new bling on her finger. The girls are going to get a dog for putting up with a long campaign, Michelle deserves something nice also.
The "We Are One" Opening Ceremonies Televised on HBO
We want to see BHO but
A Fun-guration would have this shown on any network that desires it.
Not fun!
Boo! Hiss!
In Closing
I don't want to be a totally ungrateful guest at your Inauguration. I think you have succeeded in making this an inauguration that reflects the new Administration's commitment to leadership that sets aside partisanship and unites the nation around our shared values and ideals. However, with just a few tweaks to your plans like having Barack take the new 2009 Cadillac Presidential Limousine and race Joe Biden helming President Bush’s old 2006 model down Constitution Avenue will make this a real Fun-guration.
Regards,
Herb of DC
P.S. Let me know where I can drop the Hostess present off. It's a cheese ball!
P.P.S Wouldn't it be fun to invite Sarah Palin?
1 comment:
I'm sorry, but "funguration" sounds like something that grows under your toenails.
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