Thursday, January 1, 2009

I Pick Your DC Resolutions for 2009!

1. I promise to accept the fact that the check-out lane at Giant is not one big Super Market Sweepstakes game. I will no longer be surprised when the cashier suggests I have lost again and must actually pay for my groceries. I will start digging through my purse for my payment long before I hear this sad news.

2. Unless I professionally scan groceries for a living at another store, I will not use the Self Service Check-Out lane at Harris Teeter when I have 20 or more items in my cart. I also promise to use a cashier if I have produce such as Jerusalem artichokes or white asparagus that can only be scanned after paging through pages of electronic pictures of similar looking vegetables.

3. I will post more to my blog while drunk.

4. Unless it is for TMI Thursday.

5. On Sundays I shalt not double park.

6. Growing up in a snow belt state taught me how to safely drive in 3 feet of driving snow. However, driving the family station wagon with chains on its tires down an empty country lane to the Tractor Supply Company store is not the same as navigating the snowy DC Beltway with thousands of other drivers, most who did not have the privilege of graduating from Snow U. I will no longer endlessly complain when the DC area closes down due to the treat of two inches of snow.

7. As Chairmen of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, I will happily give Herb of DC two Inaugural Ball tickets for his embarrassing and desperate "Escort Herb to the Ball" blog contest.

8. As Manager of Marshalls at DC USA, I will provide a better explanation for why the Peppermint Bark is not 75% off other than saying that it is not holiday merchandise because it "don't have a picture of Santa Claus or a Christmas tree" on it.

9. I am proud and happy over the election of Barack Obama and look forward to attending his historic inauguration. No matter how well I know DC I will take public transportation and will not park in the close-in neighborhoods.

10. I worked very hard creating my blog that now gets thousands of well deserved hits a week. It would not hurt my blog to occasionally link to other more modest blogs who might have something interesting to say that day or perhaps have creative uses of spelling or grammar. Especially if Herb that blogger regularly posts comments and links to yours mine.

11. I now know that using foul language while waiting on customers at CVS only dooms me to forever work at CVS.

12. Creating blog posts with as many DC hipster references as possible for the express purpose of being linked through DCBLOGS or DCist is pathetic and sad. I resolve to no longer feature any of the following in posts in 2009: Ben's Chili Bowl, Whole Foods, Sasha and Malia, Comet Pizza, Morning Joe, PBR, the Orange Line, Falafel, Aunt Zeituni, drunken Metro bus flashing, Mika, Petworth, Michelle Rhee fantasies, Sasha Fierce, World of Warcraft, sex in a Filene's Basement dressing room, tweets, bears, the Bloomingdale Farmers Market, tourists, independent coffee shops/book stores/clothing stores, madras, H Street, Ambien, Pat Buchanan look alike strippers, cankles, Nellies, Cabinet Nominees I Would Like to F***, Jefferson Memorial priapism and Audacity of {insert word here}.


LiLu said...

Oh please. There is NO way you're going a week without mentioning Pat Buchanan look alike strippers.

Scenic Wheaton said...

Um, eating Jerusalem Artichokes will definitely make you participate in to TMI Thursday.

Katherine said...

You'd be a DCish shoe-in if you posted about the 38B: it's the Orange Line but with windows!

Smarts said...

I am enamored with you witty blog.