The Real Housewives of New Jersey Phone Call

The Real Housewives of New Jersey phone call after the reunion:

Thriller Album Mint Condition $800?

Seriously? Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album on Craigslist for $800? I have at least one copy in near mint condition I've found so far. There may be two more in the basement. Maybe all this hue and cry will be worth it.

For me.

Make me an offer.

More from the Couch

After the huge response from last weekend's post, not to mention that everyone is now whispering "How come all of a sudden Herb has all this time to update his blog during the day?", I feel I must publish more of the wit and logic of JessiCub, my very own couch surfing non-paying temporary tenant And by temporary I mean when he first took perch on the couch I was still blogging daily about Sarah Palin the VP candidate, goiters and the joys of the corn harvest 2008.

So instead of posting my hot naked mafioso XXX pictures of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey" (Google search please note this) and my word-for-word analysis of the table flipping episode (I am mildly obsessed with this show) I now present JessiCub Monday!

Compassion

On my panic attacks:

"I have them also. Sometimes I think I've lost my Blackberry and panic and then remember I had hidden it in my crotch. "

Culture

On the "Real Housewives of New Jersey":

"I've seen real snuff films and felt less personally violated."

Cuisine

After warning him not to eat the eight day old lasagna from the fridge:

"Why?"

Whack-A-Kitty

Feigned animal cruelty has never been cuter!

Pioneer Daze

I don't think we have had an update on JessiCub lately, my personal assistant, couch surfer and dog walker. And by dog walker I mean he carries previously mobile dogs from room to room. And by personal assistant I mean he eats my food.

In reference to the newly purchased organic peanut butter...

JessiCub: Have you tried that peanut butter yet?
Herb: Yes, it's good.
JessiCub: Don't you think it is kind of oily?
Herb: You have to stir it each time to distribute the oil.
JessiCub: I didn't think I would have to churn my own peanut butter every morning...

Okay Enough Already!

I mean yes he is the King of Pop, but he certainly is no Princess of Our Hearts. I am beginning to agree with this blogger.

Michael and Farrah and Martha and Samsung

I was going to write a long whining post about how today both my two month old Martha Stewart Salad Spinner and my two month old Samsung Healthy Living BSD-3007 Deluxe Thinline See-Thru Flat Screen Blood Pressure Monitor with Irregular Heartbeat Detector stopped working.

Given that Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died today, I think I should just STFU for once in my life.

RIP my Angel and the King of Pop.

Click here for Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone."

Chelsea Lately's "Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Special" Parody

"Bitch!"

"You're a WHORE!"

"We will beat your ass!"

"WHORE!"

This spoof seems almost word-for-word what I remember of the actual RHoNJ reunion except with the addition of Blair's cousin, Geri Jewell from the classic TV sitcom "Facts of Life" wanting to become the newest housewife.

Loud. Obnoxious. Twisted. Sick. But it made me laugh at 3:00 AM I'm embarrassed to say. And I'm not a Chelsea Handler fan at all.

Arlington: The Rap

Arlington: The Rap. For my homies trying to keep it real on the mean streets of Clarendon and Ballston.




Well I barely beat this into the Washington Post which must mean everyone and their Real Estate Agent saw this last week. My apologies if this is already stale. It's rare these days I even remember I have a blog much less try to update it.

The Real World DC--Please Take My House!

Dear MTV "The Real World" Producers:

It seems like the worst kept secret in DC is finally official-- the 23rd season of "The Real World" will start shooting in DC in a Dupont Circle house around June 20th.

DC is hardly known to be the World Capital of Good Behavior but with all the screaming and protests from your neighbors, you would think MTV was planning to host "Tila Tequila's Shot of the Dallas Cowboys" on S St instead of another edition of the creaky coming-of-age egofest.

There are anti "Real World" blogs and community meetings to express concern over this drunken invasion and now rumors abound that the cast is afraid to come to DC. Isn't this a bit of an overreaction to a show that everyone claims to have stopped watching years ago?

Here's my solution: move into my dilapidated retro house.


First of all I don't live in Dupont Circle. DUPONT CIRCLE? Seriously? That would be a great location for "The Real World 1982" but this is 2009, the Reagans are no longer in the White House and MTV doesn't play music any more.

Shaw is where it is at. Shaw, baby. U Street. Center of the Obama celebrations. In other words, my neighborhood. Where you can still walk home at 9:00 am in your underwear and people barely give you a glance.

The Real World Shaw!

Would you rather film a house member hysterically breaking up via Twitter with that nice guy back home who doesn't under the stress she is under at Connecticut Avenue's Anne Taylor's Loft or at the gay sports bar Nellies? Johnny Rockets or Ben's Chili Bowl? Chipotle or Dukems? Red Line or Green Line? Are these really questions that have to be answered? What, are you drunk? Oh wait, of course you are!

That fake-ass job for the house members that was added a few seasons back? I have my "Recession Garden" the group can pretend to work between blackouts and fights. Toilet in a small. cramped enclosure with a door to hide behind when whispering amongst each other about who in the house might be a tranny? Got it!

Dirty, viral infected hot tub?

Check.

Underutilized exercise equipment?

Yep.

Aquarium? Well I have a leaky roof. If this rain continues...yeah.

So Producers, stop dealing with the Dupont Circle hysteria and slosh your way over to my place where general douchery, bad decor and questionable decorum has reigned for years. The neighbors are already used to my guests hurling into the bushes and god knows there has been enough alcohol purchased at the Whitelaw Market on the way to my house over the years to sink even Ruthie's liver.

Oh and one more thing, like "The Real World Brooklyn" this cast will have 8 members not the usual 7. I am staying to chaperon the feuds, hookups and the over-the-top examinations of lives not yet worth examining. I've learned the hard way what happens when you rent to people under the age of 26 who stop being polite and start getting real.

Regards,

Herb

My YouTube Coma

During my sinus infection, Ativan and alcohol juice induced coma Monday, did I possibly see over and over on VHI a commercial that featured race car driver Danica Patrick signing man boobs? Oh YouTube please tell me this was just another Ativan side effect along with my blurred vision, confusion, constipation, decreased hearing, depression, slurred speech, and sweating?







After seeing moobs, one needs to see something good on YouTube. Something uplifting yet dramatic. One with lots of symbolism and metaphors like they put in the music videos of the 80s 'cause we were deep back then due to the war in Grenada, the Reagans and very special episodes of Family Ties. Something like a literal-video in which the lyrics express EXACTLY what is happening visually, like in this retelling of Bonnie Tyler's overwrought 1983 power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart."


"What kind of private school would let in these kind of guys?
It started out Hogwarts now its Lord of the Flies"