If Avocados Could Scream...

So thats how you make guacamole! A Super Bowl sendable from the boys at JibJab.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Versus DC Gentrification

Everyone's favorite underage anthropomorphic turtle misfits, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have left the sewers of Manhattan to fight crime, litter and gentrification in DC in a colorful wraparound mural to promote the Meat Market Gallery's Performance Week.


















Located at the corner of 14th and T NW, this exhibit once again demonstrates the prominance of the Logan Circle area as the new center of the local art movement.

"I see London, I see France! Where are the Rapture Loft occupants?"

Wait, isn't this the former site of the Church of Rapture that was featured in a two part article in the Washington Post about the impact of gentrification on this very corner?
























Is this loft conversion another project that has been put on hold due to the economy? Did God help the Church of Rapture's Doctor Theresa make the real estate sale of the decade just in time? If so will he advise me before my adjustable rate mortgage... adjusts?

With no lofty granite countertops or rapturous churchgoers this leaves me and my rarely washed Carhartts to take on Raphael's sai as I protect brunchers at neighboring Cafe Saint-Ex from his sarcasm and unrelentless demands for simple pizza.
























Leonardo joins reporter April O'Neil as she gets the scoop on the new three story bar/restaurant "Policy" rumored to be opening on the northwest corner of 14th and T which has some residents concerned about increased noise and more parking difficulties. Will this project succeed in the new reality of today's real estate climate?

























Gentrification or not one thing remains the same on this corner and the Foot Soldiers join me in my Sisyphean battle against chicken bone litter that has engulfed 14th St.

























Wow! In such a short time from Church of Rapture to Rapture Lofts to Meat Market! I think it is going to be another tough year. We are all going to have to remain calm, Rocksteady and pray for future real estate rapture.
























Credits:

Murals painted by Provincial Painting 1-800-775-0905.

























Photos by JessiCub

Chicken Bones by KFC

Bacon Vodka--It's Not Just for Breakfast!!!

From the"Brownie Points" blog her fascinating recipe for making Bacon Vodka.

I mean everything is better with bacon, right?

New DC Cab Fares: Who Wins, Who Loses?

I decided to put the Washington Post's handy dandy

District Taxi Fare Estimator to the test to determine who comes out ahead with some sample trips from my house in the Logan/U Street area by comparing the old zone rate to the new time and distance fare system.

From my house to bars and restaurants on 17th St:

Zone $6:50
Fare: $4.00

Winners:

Bars and restaurants on 17th St and the cab drivers. Before I would just stay home instead of paying $6.50 for a short hop but now I believe cab drivers will stay constantly busy in the evening shuttling drunks riders short distances.

Losers:

My liver

From my house to the Columbia Heights Giant:


Zone: $8.80
Fare: $4.50


Winners:

Say "Hola!" to the Columbia Heights Giant since previously I didn't shop there since I don't like having to deal with their parking garage and carrying groceries on the Metro was just not gonna happen. Cab drivers once again will stay steadily busy shuttling passengers up and down the hill instead of cruising aimlessly around looking for fares or idling next to the Sticky Fingers Bakery.

Losers:

The Brentwood Giant and your big ass parking lot filled with day laborers. Maybe now I really can sell my car!


From my house to work:

Zone: $7.50 (including rush hour premium)
Fare: $7.50

Winners:

It's a tie baby! Kiss your Aunt and declare the Metro the winner since this reminds me once again how stupid it is for me to take a cab when I can get to my office just fine via Metro. Cab drivers win since what is not included in the above fare are the new wait charges for hitting traffic during rush hour if I do decide that is "No Mass Transit Monday" for me. (And really, if your cab is nice and clean I always add a extra dollar to the tip.)

Losers:

Other Metro riders who will have to deal with my morning crankiness and occasional rankness.


My house to Georgetown Park Mall:

Zone: $8.80
Fare: $ 6.75

Winners:

Oh who are we kidding? Have you seen my pictures on this blog? Like I ever shop at Georgetown Park. Maybe if they opened a Sears there or a rad Brew Thru outlet or something.

Losers:

Sears
My liver

How will fares for your favorite trips change?

...and the Winner Is....

I don't know! Why are you looking here? I'm still working on confirming the rumor of new ownership of Colbaltsss (Pronunciation hint: the third s is silent).

Let's move on people!


Update: Okay. Connecticut. A one in four chance of winning. Now really. You do know that "American Idol" is back, right?

"Oh Aunt Sandy, You Wonderful, Sloppy Drunk!"

I think we all squirrel away for a rainy day someone's particularly funny blog posting in order to enjoy again when we feel down or in my case, steal from it when I realize that I am the only person who thinks that my "Osmonds Monday" was a good idea.

Some of my favorites are from The Woolgatherer's rants aimed at the Food Network's cirrhotic High Priestess of Canned Goods and Tablescapes, Sandra Lee.

These will make you laugh!

Maybe even out loud!

Well played Woolgatherer!

Meters Made!

DC joins the rest of the zoneless world as Mayor McSpeedy scores another victory and announces the new fares for metered DC cabs today. The much reviled and abused zone system is as dead as my social life as of April 6, 2008.

The changes include a $3 base charge for passengers and an additional 25-cent charge for every one-sixth mile after the first one-sixth mile. The maximum fare for any trip starting and ending in the District will be $18.90. Sounds fair to me!

As part of the mayor's plan, additional fees for rush hour travel and that ridiculous fee for additional passengers will be eliminated. The meter system reduces the additional fare during a snow emergency to 25 percent compared to the outrageous 200 percent under the outgoing zone system.

Predictably there are already threats of a strike from cabbies. Bring it on buds! Maybe your replacements are already in the backlog of nearly 1,600 driver applications and will be DC residents with cabs that are kept in good shape, have working heating and cooling systems and interiors that don't smell like a week old chili half-smoke.

Cake and Bitter Clowns to Go

Don't watch this video if like me, you suffer from Coulrophobia.





The Food Network Addict reveals that in the premier episode of this season's "Ace of Cakes", Cake Bear Duff and the Gang make their largest cake to date--a fly Harry Potter Cake!


















I'd totally like to have a Charm City Cake for my next birthday. Maybe in the shape of something symbolic of the neighborhood like The Whitelaw Market or a big ole chicken bone on the sidewalk.

The Leather Merit Badges of 2008!

That infamous celebration of leather the Mid Atlantic Leather (MAL) 2008 weekend is almost upon us again. MAL DC is that special time of year when thousands of men and 11 women converge on Washington DC to visit museums, enjoy fine cuisine, stand in coat check lines and ponder the lack of leather related items at the confusingly named store "The Leather Rack."

Leather as clothing or a lifestyle is just not really something I am into. It's not a PETA thing it's just that I look sallow in black and instead of appearing sexy and menacing I look like an accountant who has made poor lifestyle choices.

Coming so close after my birthday, I try to attend a few of the Leatherati functions but each year I attend less and less. Regardless, it is always an adventure to suck in the beer belly for a few hours and wander through the crowd to observe this once a year party put on by Centaurs Club.

As I wrote before, from my experience those who attend MAL seem to fall into the following groups: First Timers, Fetish Veterans, Sash Queens and Locals.

The First Timers



Those fresh faced rainbow tattooed First Timers tend to be from small towns without leather bars or have that combo disco/leather/cowboy/drag/lube store bar that is ubiquitous in fly-over America. The First Timers buy the entire MAL "package" and spend their weekend enthusiastically being bused to Leather Brunches, Leather Cocktails, and earnestly attending workshops such as "Leather Symbolism or Free Mason Conspiracy in the L'Enfant Design of Washington DC?" and "Incorporating S&M Into Your 'Project Runway' Parties."

First timers stay to the very end of the marathon Mr. MAL pageant and never wonder why Miss America can be selected in two hours yet this crowning takes four.   First Timers may also be found en mass at Leather Cocktails gathered around the shrimp bowl finishing it off in the first 15 minutes.

First timers, when not exchanging the leather merit badges of the cow hide circuit (also known as "run pins") are the ones who arrive at the DC Eagle by 8:00 pm, are drunk by 10:00 pm and passed out at the hotel by Midnight. Due to their strict adherence to "THE SCHEDULE", First Timers are rarely seen by anyone besides other First Timers, the shuttle bus driver and the waiters at Annies. The one exception to this is the First Timer drunk dancing on the dance floor at the authentic locker room-like smelling "Reaction Dance" who will spill his drink on you on the dance floor. He is one of the few First Timers to stay out past Midnight but he will leave hours before last call thus missing the arrival of your more sketchy local friends who might be confused and frightened at the specter of a man drinking alcohol at a dance party.

First Timers are up early on Monday to make the long drive back home. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on leather they rarely wear it again except when riding in the back of a pickup truck covered with balloons in the local Gay Pride parade or attending "run pin" swap meets.

A few first timers return to become Fetish Veterans...


The Fetish Veterans




The Fetish Veterans spend their year planning for MAL or surgically recovering from it. They book their rooms for the next year at the the Washington Plaza as they check out. Fetish Veteran chat rooms vibrate with activity all year as they swap blueprints for newer and bigger leather subtraps.

Fetish Veterans arrive in large Winnebagos stuffed with soon to be repurposed apparatus purchased at Home Depot, the Sports Authority, PetSmart, or medical equipment supply firms. Much like a well stocked hurricane shelter, their hotel rooms are filled with duct tape, oxygen, First Aid kits, MREs, puppy kibble, lubricants and World War II Surplus items. Fetish Veterans, like First Timers, are rarely seen during the weekend except by other Fetish Veterans, the waiters at Annies, and a few local emergency room doctors.

Fetish Veterans will make an appearance at Leather Cocktails and may be found as a group devouring the oddly familiar stuffed suckling pig in a scene reminiscent of one of the gorier episodes of "Meerkat Manor."

Fetish Veterans all request a late check-out, on Thursday. Or sometime in February.


The Sash Queens



The Sash Queens proudly wear all weekend the leather sash that is the symbol of their triumphs in leather contests around the world. They are seen by everyone and are everywhere. At least half of the men between 9th St to 17th St will be sashily dressed as a dark Mayor of Candy Land searching for a ribbon cutting opening ceremony at Whole Foods or a Harley-Davidson dealership. Most of these titles you have never heard of and it's somewhat like the Golden Globes in that you never heard of the name of the winner until the envelope is opened but you still applaud the body of his or her work.

I'm starting to suspect that there is sash inflation and like in the Special Olympics, everyone is a winner.  Some day I will have a sash made with some generic title like "Mr Tri-State Leather 2005" since apparently Sash Queens only sleep with other Sash Queens. Or at least they don't sleep with me. In THIS decade. At least I'm not bitter. Much. Whatever, get me my Beadazzler!


Sash Queens attend the Mr. MAL pageant but only to the point when all title holders are invited to the stage, a moment of shared glory that leaves only the First Timers remaining seated.

Sash Queens do not need an early or late check out Monday at the Washington Plaza since they never check-in thus creating 24 X 7 opportunities to make the rest of us feel inferior by our sash-less existence.


The Locals



























Many locals spend the weekend in smug self-congratulation on their choice of such a fun place to live, crowded with hot men from around the world. This pink cloud lasts for the weekend and then they return to complaining about DC, the attitude of the men, housing prices, whether or not the Eagle will close this year and how much fun and how attitude free DC men are when you run into them in other cities such as NYC or Ft Lauderdale.

Most locals get the "package"a couple of times before realizing that they can save money by just sluttily hanging out in the lobby of the very busy Washington Plaza and purchasing tickets to the one or two things they wish to attend such as the Reaction Dance or Leather Scrapbooking 101.

At some point during the night, Washington Plaza security prevents anyone from going upstairs without having a room key or being with someone with a room key. Locals know to find a suddenly highly desirable drunk First Timer and flirt with him enough to get upstairs. As soon as he passes out in his room after you have helped him pierce his nipple with a "run pin", you are free to roam the floors looking for Fetish Veteran Jumper Cable parties, Sash Queen walkoff challenges, or the Locals Ice Machine Room orgies.

The greatest tragedy is when a local meets another local in the lobby of the hotel. This may work out if one of the locals lives within a few blocks of the hotel. However, in that this is someone you will eventually meet in a hot tub in Ft Lauderdale, I would hold out for finding a drunk First Timer. A free trip to the floors above is the very best leather merit badge of achievement a local can aspire to!

Update: Jimbo reminds us that your broiled turkey leg will still be there next year if you skip it this year.

Another Birthday!

Nothing like realizing your birth was greeted with telegrams to make you feel old! Well at least it isn't a scroll or a cave drawing.

And Jerry never did share those damn trains!

What I should do on my birthday today: take down the Christmas tree.

Pathetic, I know.

The New Whitelaw Market

No botox for this formerly gritty 13th and T NW landmark across from the historic Whitelaw Hotel but a full fledged facelift! The Whitelaw Market, once home of dusty bottles of Rock Creek Cola and several dead freezers, has been renovated and now offers more products and wider aisles under new management. The expanded wine section offers many moderately priced wines that you would not be embarrassed to take to a dinner party. Well, at least I wouldn't be embarrassed.

Drop by and support our neighborhood merchants and make a stand against the 7/11ization of Logan/U!

UPDATE 1/16/2008: And now there is an ATM inside!

DC Republicans Find New Neighborhood for Recruiting!

It's right there on the cover of the invitation for the DC Republicans 2008 Lincoln-Douglass Reception and Dinner "Celebrating the Neighborhoods of DC."

Chinatown (Ok, not many Chinese left but some good restaurants)

Mount Pleasant (Gotcha, going after that Hispanic vote)

Anacostia (Mmm, maybe you will find a Republican somewhere)

The Mall (!!!)

The Mall? Is that really a DC neighborhood? I checked the DC government neighborhood website and this neighborhood is not listed. Don't people have to actually live there to be classified a neighborhood to be celebrated?

Is it possible that the DC Republicans have given up on the Sisyphean task of recruiting locals and now is resorting to signing up leftward standing, but right leaning tourists from from Red States exiting the Smithsonian metro?

I also like saying "Sisyphean."

"Sisyphean, Sisyphean, Sisyphean!"

See this event in person on Thursday, January 31, 2008 ($150 per person).

Greg Brady Versus Mary Ann

One more sign that the televisions writers strike really needs to end soon:

On NBC tonight, potty mouthed comedian Bob "Full House" Saget's game show "1 vs. 100 Dolts" returns with "The Brady Bunch's" Barry (I Used to be the HOTTT Brady) Williams and Dawn (Ginger Still Is a B**** to Me) Wells of "Gilligan's Island" making appearances in a "battle of the sexes" show.

Must Flee TV.

UGH!

Another Bravo night here I guess. I am certainly not going to Bear Happy Hour since I would likely choose the wrong bar.

2007 Blog Wrap-Up!

Herb of DC
Blogging Like a 12 year Old Since Jan. 2007

I often wonder why folks stop by my blog--it's not particularly well written, the photography is amateurish (yet I think improving) and I freely admit the humor is often sophomoric.

Regardless, people stop by daily and waste some time in my corner of the Internets. So what were the most popular reads here in 2007?

The most popular items were posts linked through some inexplicable process by DCBLOGS, Wonkette, or DCIST. Leading the pack was this DCBLOGS, Wonkette, and DCIST favorite The Rat Killing Hawk of Red Cross Square.

Another post duly noted by Wonkette and DCBLOgs was my coverage of the tribute to the
mysteriously missing bees.

I joined the Harry Potter frenzy with my likely sounding (but often not) plot spoilers with my farmers market interpretation of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in a piece that became a Google and DCBLOGS pick
Bloody Harry Potter Plot Details Revealed During Mount Pleasant Rampage.

International Google searches often delivered very disappointed readers to the very non-pornographic Porn Stars and I Are for the Environment.

Of course the #1 Google search to my blog involves tweens looking for information on
"High School Musical 3 or 4." Uh sorry kids. I was just kidding. No hard feelings, right? You won't withhold my Social Security in a few years will you?

One of my favorites, if anything for JessiCubs ability to sneak pictures of me into a pretentious street performance "Does This Sharpie make My A** Look Big?"

The post Halloween only-in-DC true story
that still astonishes me in its brashness is my "On the Second Day of Halloween."

Thanks again for stopping by during 2007. I look forward to your visits in 2008!

Herb

Out with the Old, In with the Old

Trios Restaurant, 17th St NW
New Years Day, 2008

Young woman: May we have a menu to look at while we are waiting?
Cashier/Bartender: What do you need a menu for? It hasn't changed in 50 years!
Young woman: Cause we have never been here before?
Cashier/Bartender: What took you so long!