Monday, August 18, 2008

If Apple Offered the iDoorbell Would You Ring Mine?

For the love of Alexander Graham Bell will you people stop calling me from your freaking cell phones when you are at my front door?

When did people stop ringing the doorbell? My friends, neighbors and even Pizza Hut now arrive on my stoop and arrogantly announce their presence by summoning me via their omnipresent cell phones.

Why? Has the electromagnetic doorbell become obsolete like the rotary phone, Hummers or Reston? Have people forgotten how to use the doorbell?

Doorbells don't have cool names like the iDoorbell or the ChocolateBell. Paris Hilton will never be photographed lounging beside a pool holding a doorbell to her ear. The good ole fashioned doorbell only has one ring tone, doesn’t take photos, is completely useless for text messaging and can't be thrown at your assistant.

Sports Star of the Minute Michael Phelps will definitely not sign a deal hawking doorbells but I could picture his mother doing it.

Since you people aren't using my doorbell any more I want to remind you of the Herb of DC Doorbell Process:

1. Arrive at my front door (and you better be on time or I will blog about it)

2. With your index finger firmly press the doorbell button (sometimes this may even be helpfully labeled “Doorbell”) which causes an electrical circuit to be closed so that household current flows through the electromagnet by way of a transformer. This current is then passed through the electromagnet wire to a noisemaking apparatus.

3. Listen to the noisemaking apparatus make “ding dong” sounds which sets off my dogs barking like maniacs

4. While hearing me yell at the dogs to shut the f**k up, use this time to wipe your sweaty palms on your pants and make any last minute wardrobe adjustments

5. Put the candy and liquor in your left hand in order to free up your right hand for firmly shaking my hand when the door opens (I am assuming this is at least the fifth date)

6. Eavesdrop on what sounds like two dogs yelping after being kicked

7. Look for my beady red eye peeping through the appropriately named “peephole”

8. I open the door and act surprised to see you

9.You hand me the candy and liquor

10. I invite you in while examining the candy box for near expiration dates and the liquor for high proof content

11. The dogs joyously throw themselves at you and start humping your leg

See, it's very simple. Only 11 steps. So much better than calling me on your cellphone! Come ring my doorbell!


the newly-ENGAGED washy said...

ha ha ha ha. dang herb, you find the funniest stuff to blog about. sorry you had to learn my big news on my blog - i've been making the bloggy rounds. hey, maybe blog happy hour is in order lots to celebrate.

and as for your doorbell, i'd ring it anytime, whether made by apple or not! (footnote: i mean that absolutely chastely, since I'm a soon to be married lady and all)

james in washington said...

actually, I think you can get doorbells with different ringtones. :-)

Herb of DC said...

Actually James the electromagnetic doorbells only basically offer versions of bong-bong. You are thinking of newer electric doorbells that can play classics like "The Yellow Rose of Texas."

Srini Ram said...

Interesting article. Rather funny.