Thursday, October 2, 2008

Does This Muffin Make My A** Look Big or My Lifetime in Corn?

s any regular reader of my blog knows, I tend to recycle corny jokes, not to mention blog posts, “comments”, relationships and for that matter, corn. If something was funny ten years ago it is still funny today, right? Who doesn’t still love a good Monica Lewinsky joke?

In my rare interpersonal reactions with people, I have the same corny Pavlovian one liner response in certain situations. For instance if you say, “I have a bad cold” and it is wintertime, I will automatically say “I told you not to go skinny dipping during [insert cold winter month’s name here]". Yes I have been slaying them with that one since 1984! I come by this lifetime of corn naturally and not just from growing up in the Hoosier State—for as long as I remember every time HerbSr of Kentucky/Florida hears the name Pierre he asks “The dehydrated Frenchman?”

Oh the years of laughter we have had over that one!

Broke your foot or ankle? Yep, I’m the one who will say “I told you to give up bungee jumping.”

How can you even read this through your tears of laughter?

"Herb, are you working hard?"

Okay, all together:

"No, I am hardly working."

HA! Reading this blog is like reading Shaw (George, not the neighborhood, although maybe a little of the Metro stop) isn't it?

So today I was standing in the cashier line at the cafeteria of the Big Humanitarian Non-Profit waiting to pay for my food, and someone behind me said rather loudly, “Hey there!” Turning around I was surprised to find an Important Female VP who for as far as I knew, did not know me from Adam. Or my rib. (NOTE: I need to add that one to my repertoire). I looked down and noticed she was only purchasing a corn muffin (MORE CORN!) and a Vitamin Water. Here is the conversation as I best recall it.

Herb of DC: That’s not much of a lunch!

Important Female VP: I was sick last night so I just wanted to get a little something in my stomach.

Herb of DC: That’s a good idea. You want to ease back into it.

Important Female VP: My daughter and I both got food poisoning from dinner at a friend’s house.


Herb of DC: Really, hey there are much easier ways to lose weight.

Important Female VP (startled): What? (Translation: “Are you calling me fat?”)

Herb of DC (back peddling as fast as he can): Not that I think you need to lose weight. Or your daughter needs to.

This did not end well.

So what should I have done?

A. Grandly told the cashier “And the little lady’s lunch is also on me.”
B. Asked if the cafeteria had any spoiled mayonnaise since “bathing suit season is only six months away.”
C. Be supportive and point out that Delta Burke also likes Vitamin Water
Yelled “I can see Russia from my house!”
E. Any others?

What would you have said?

1 comment:

Gilahi said...

1) You could have paid her a compliment. "You don't sweat much for a fat VP."

2) You could have expressed an interest in her condition. "Was it a one way thing or coming out of both ends?"

3) Or you could have referenced her obvious intelligence. "Yeah. Corn. THAT'S a good way slow things down in the old digestive tract."