Sunday, October 19, 2008

You Too Can Be "Joe the Plumber" in 15 Minutes or Less!

Let's face it, Wall Street Bankers and Washington Bureaucrats are so last month and plumbers are in right now! Who cares about your mastery of arcane financial derivatives? How are your plumbing skills? Are you tired of paying outrageous hourly rates to rich plumbers for what should be a simple fix? Follow these directions and you can fix a leaky faucet, stabilize the financial markets and become the "Joe the Plumber" of your block in 15 minutes or less!

First put on your plumber's coveralls. Coveralls prevent an outbreak of the dreaded plumber's crack when bending under the sink and guards against showing your bear market when running from the elite liberal media.

Next turn off the water beneath the sink. Don't know which way to turn the shut off valve? Remember the phrase "Righty Tighty and Lefty Loosey!" You will want to make a turn to the right here to stop the irrational exuberance.

As Herb Sr would say, don't start the job until you have the right tools! This is a plunger and although it would be helpful to unclog the credit crisis that is paralyzing markets it is the wrong tool for fixing a leak. You need a flat head screwdriver and perhaps a Phillips head screwdriver!

Possum the cat is not a Phillips head screwdriver or a Mortgage Backed Derivative. Henry F. Phillips (1890 – 1958), a U.S. businessman from Portland, Oregon, first patented the Phillips head screw and screwdriver. Mr Phillips was the first to say "It is your patriotic duty to pay taxes." Later he lost his patent proving that you can faithfully pay taxes for years yet still get screwed.

This is not a flat head screwdriver either (it is Lizzie who is technically a dog). Dogs are great as plumbers assistants especially if you need to test the potability of the water in a toilet bowl.

It is an unfortunate Urban Legend that the flat head screwdriver is named for American choreographer Erie Flatt.

When you finally find the correct screwdrivers, you are ready to go where no man on your block has gone before!

Pop off the top of the handle with your flat head screwdriver. Drill, baby drill! Loosen the screw inside with a "Lefty Loosey" until you can remove it.

Now pry off the handle.
Replace the washer with a new one you purchased at Home Depot or Lowes. What you haven't done that yet? You might want to add an hour (or four) to your 15 minutes. Actually washers come in packages of 10 so if you carefully slide one out and kept your receipt...

Put the handle back on and tighten the screw with some "Righty Tighty" action. Be careful! If you tighten to the right too much you could raise interest rates and stifle growth. Too little tightening can set interest rates too low and encourage inflation. Feeling the pressure?

Put the top of the handle back on.

You are almost done! Go back under the sink and do some major "Lefty Loosey" to turn the water back on and be prepared for a sudden bailout. However, if you followed these steps your leak should be fixed and you will have your "Joe the Plumber" cred! CNN will have your number on speed dial, crowds will chant your name and your opinions will be sought on Collateralized Debt Obligations!

Enjoy your 15 minutes!

Photography by JessiCub


Gilahi said...

Who's the photographer?

Herb of DC said...

Thanks Gilahi. I should have made it cleared that JessiCub took the pictures.

I will make an update.

Anonymous said...

your the best

Katherine said...

I think I just peed my pants laughing. Really, I need that. Thanks.